Acceptance

[VioletButterfly]

I'm not really sure where to put this, so please move if appropriate.

How do you get to a point of acceptance of where you are at and why without judgment; what you need to do to heal; and, what you need to do to move on? I'm so confused about this. I have a new T and I really appreciate her, but I'm still lost and don't even know the questions to ask her to get me started. I have so much "real time" stuff going on, that I feel she only vaguely references this as there is WAY too much on my life plate right now. What I am getting is that the oxygen mask needs to go on my face first. Just confused. Therapy is not like it was before and life certainly isn't after the past 2 years of BS with job/mom.

I think I'm just looking for some talking points/perspective. I'm so confused. I don't want to die anymore which is a step forward, but I don't know what or how to move forward with life at its current trajectory. Sorry if this is a wreck and doesn't make sense. I think I'm lacking perspective or even a framework for perspective where PTSD works in real-time with real life issues. I do think that I need to accept where I'm at before I can begin healing, but how do I do that? VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you for indulging me. I know I've been posting a lot in the past few days. Just some questions came up in therapy on Thursday that have me vexed. I now understand why this post is under the anxiety heading - I can't accept where I am in life, and it's crushing me and resulting in horrific anxiety about the present and the future. So many balls in the air and they are mostly made of steel, so I'm afraid of them all coming down at the same time. Yet, I have so much to be grateful for - my relationship with my God, my faith, worship music (LOVE Hillsong), my church, my mind, my willing heart, a father who is trying to be supportive, people who check in on me from time to time, access to therapy with someone who knows what she's doing, my former employee who is helping me to find a job (irony), and all of the wonderful niceties that I have - a roof over my head in a safe area, technology to keep me connected, a safe and functioning car, access to communities like this.... I have what I need for today, so what's my deal? I'm terrified of not being able to financially support myself. This is a reality and looming large . It is complicated by this darn PTSD which then complicates the condition I seem to keep finding myself in - being financially unstable. They are like two dark clouds that circle over my head and in my heart. My anxiety level is ridiculous, hence the addictions rearing up again. I will not judge myself for these anymore, just try to find something else to meet that need - to fill the void, calm the nerves and worries. I don't know that I can solve much else right now, so finding an alternative will have to do in the short term. All I have is today anyway. I do accept that God loves me wherever I am and is "for" me. I am working on my end of that equation as well. For now, I'm giving the PTSD stuff to God as soon as it pops into my mind, so I am basically handing it over all day, but I figure that is better than going under the waves with it again and again. The undertow is going to remain until I have time to really spend time on other non-real-time issues that underlie the real-time issues. I just wanted to share in case anyone is running in the same circles as I am. I pray that I will get on the other side of this and into a good job, that life will settle down, that I will build a real-time support group/FOC, and that I will find what I need to heal and start living a life worth living. I guess many of us are working toward that goal. Sending up prayers for us all to find the peace and joy we deserve. VB

 

[Tinyflame]

@VioletButterfly , I understand. Among other things I fear loss of work/ financial issues, & that ups my addictions (worse cycle). I know you have so many worries, I am sorry. :( Me too. I have an idea, am going to post a thread. Maybe we have to start with very small steps? :hug:

 

[holdenmonty]

I know this was posted back in 2015 but I'm wondering if anybody can shed some light on this matter? I have been doing some heavy self searching today and figured out that I'm in general tired mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And I think me being tired ends up coming down to acceptance. I don't think I have truly accepted my diagnosis or who I am now. There is still a part of me that wants to get to a point that I don't have any symptoms that I know probably isn't very practical so I'm trying to figure out how other people have learned to accept themselves and their diagnosis.

 

[DreamEater]

I'm not the wisest person on this subject as I have the same problem consistently but I'm getting better with this. I've found that the best cure to these problems is to look outside yourself and see others for what they are. Know that all people are fundamentally human and therefor more similar to you then not including the problem you're having right now in accepting yourself. Look back at yourself not as an introspective viewer but from the outside as a very close friend. Learn to forgive your failings and compliment the good you have in your life. Have sympathy for your struggle instead of passing judgement and you'll learn to be your best friend with enough effort. At least I hope, I'm not quite my best friend yet.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm in general tired mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And I think me being tired ends up coming down to acceptance.

Hi @holdenmonty - I'm wanting to make sure I'm understanding you regarding your definition of "acceptance." From what you've written above, it sounds more like either settling or that acceptance is something we have to take on as an end game because we are so exhausted that we can't fight anymore. Can you expand upon what you've written? Perhaps, where you're at in the recovery process? Are you working with a T? Do you have other support?

The path to recovery and healing varies from person to person depending upon a myriad of variables. In general, I've seen others write about the value of mindfulness, self-care, and self-compassion. Learning coping and ground techniques also seems to be helpful, especially with anxiety.

I'm still struggling, as are you, with financial instability. Frankly, I'm a bit terrified, so I've had to give that to God and walk in faith while believing He will be with me no matter what happens. I don't know what else to do right now. I'm still dealing with addiction issues. I'm sorry you are in that boat as well because it really does affect how we think and feel. Exhaustion comes with the territory as emotional and physical stress does very bad things to our bodies. I've seen it play out on my body's stage. It ain't pretty.

I read a thread yesterday about healing and about hope. I found it through Google, but it's here on the website. I think there is hope. I don't believe we have to settle for a life that is less than - but, this is a very individual concept at well. Do you journal or like to doodle/be creative? I find both of those very helpful when I can't find my words.

Let us know how we can help. Until then, best to you on your journey. VB

 

[holdenmonty]

It's interesting reading what I wrote and wasn't completely clear. I think the main thing I was getting at is trying to find stability. I still fight the thoughts that I'm not worthy of the ptsd diagnosis and that people with ptsd have been out on convoys and blown up or in the civilian sector that they have experienced something extremely traumatic. I know from head knowledge that what I went through is considered traumatic and the lasting effects of it has came to the point that a couple different psychologist agree that I am diagnose with ptsd but in my mind it is still something that only hero's get, and I'm not a hero at all.

I am seeing a therapist on a weekly basis and I think I'm going to talk to them about all this on Friday when my next appointment is. I think I might be looking more at trying to settle for how things are because I know the goals that I have always had are unrealistic of being completely symptom free and even though I know it's unrealistic and have talked about knowing that it's unrealistic trying to take the knowing and turn it into believing is the next struggle. I think I'm just tired of struggling.

My wife brought up a perfect example the other day that when our pastor preaches on sin and different forms of sin she feels like he's poking her in the eye so to speak and I told her that it always feels like when any of our past pastors have preached on healing and faith I feel like they are always poking me in the eye because of the struggles I struggle with everyday with my stuff.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Two quick thoughts - Great that you have an upcoming therapist appointment and that you have that support. :tup: Also, maybe it would help to sideline the "importance" of a diagnosis or a diagnostic term since it seems to be giving you trouble. It's not really important. It's addressing what you're experiencing that's important and helping you find your way toward healing. At least this is how I think about it. I don't internalize labels; only use them as shorthand when needed.

Maybe just continue your work in trauma therapy/recovery, making small changes, not putting big goals out in front of yourself. Big goals are overwhelming for me. It's all about what I can manage today and even sometimes on an hourly basis. Hoping your therapist can provide you with some good guidance and support in this regard.

One tiny note, from what you wrote about your past preachers, I'm wondering if self-judgment is entering your thoughts and feelings surrounding trauma and healing? This might be a good point to discuss with your therapist as well.

 

[Deadman]

I don't think I have truly accepted my diagnosis or who I am now.

What would let you accept your diagnosis and who you are now?

 

[holdenmonty]

That is a mighty fine question. I'm thinking maybe once I start getting my disability money from the VA that it might help me to realize and accept.