This week my butt was been kicked when I was forced to see I have impairment of my ability to focus and concentrate. I hate to admit I have limitations. My reaction to my discovery of my limitations was to take flight and quit my job out of total embarrassment. An act I deeply regret now, but I was triggered, missed that I was triggered and self destructed. Cannot undo that now, I blew it and I feel like crap about it. I certainly did little to show I was a stable employee.
I was under a lot of a stress this week, 2 floods in the house, extensive damage, insurance companies, my son moving, my son's roommate grabbed my arm and pushed me against the wall and then I returned to work where my boss told me that 80 to 90% of what I was doing was wrong and I was f*cking up big time. My mistakes where actually costing the company money. I cried and my inter critic saw the opportunity and took full advantage of it. I now know that I was triggered but at the time, I did not.
Here is they way I described it to a friend. Picture a large piece of unbreakable thick glass. Now picture yourself looking through that glass and you can see your life and your abilities before you became sick. You can see how capable your were, and your confidence. Now picture yourself trying to perform those same tasks but instead of being an exceptional performing employee your are performing at a 10 to 20 percent rate. You use to perform at 100 + %. You use to get awards for your work. You use to get bonus money and additional bonus money reserved for outstanding employees. Now you cannot even copy data from a purchase to the computer without messing something up.
It is frustrating, embarrassing and left me wanting to run away, which I did. I was so embarrassed I could not even talk to my boss about it. All I could do is cry at the thought that I have become so useless and that I cannot work due to my limitations. My frustration at myself boiled over and I became very angry with myself and I punished my "inability to perform" by quitting. I justified my fear by say to myself that I was costing the company money. That I needed to be fair and give my boss away out because I was such a screw up and I was not honest with him in the first place.
Of course my boss took my resignation because I was acting like a crazy ass bitch and who needs the drama.. Like I said I did little to help my case and look like a normal stable person. No wonder he jumped at it.
I am such an idiot. This company was willing to work with me but I the panic of being treated differently and needing help for such easy tasks overwhelmed me. UGH! I hate myself for this mess and over reacting. I feel like a complete loser. UGH!!! Why cannot I just be normal
How do you get your confidence and self-esteem back? How do you stop being a f*ck up?
I was under a lot of a stress this week, 2 floods in the house, extensive damage, insurance companies, my son moving, my son's roommate grabbed my arm and pushed me against the wall and then I returned to work where my boss told me that 80 to 90% of what I was doing was wrong and I was f*cking up big time. My mistakes where actually costing the company money. I cried and my inter critic saw the opportunity and took full advantage of it. I now know that I was triggered but at the time, I did not.
Here is they way I described it to a friend. Picture a large piece of unbreakable thick glass. Now picture yourself looking through that glass and you can see your life and your abilities before you became sick. You can see how capable your were, and your confidence. Now picture yourself trying to perform those same tasks but instead of being an exceptional performing employee your are performing at a 10 to 20 percent rate. You use to perform at 100 + %. You use to get awards for your work. You use to get bonus money and additional bonus money reserved for outstanding employees. Now you cannot even copy data from a purchase to the computer without messing something up.
It is frustrating, embarrassing and left me wanting to run away, which I did. I was so embarrassed I could not even talk to my boss about it. All I could do is cry at the thought that I have become so useless and that I cannot work due to my limitations. My frustration at myself boiled over and I became very angry with myself and I punished my "inability to perform" by quitting. I justified my fear by say to myself that I was costing the company money. That I needed to be fair and give my boss away out because I was such a screw up and I was not honest with him in the first place.
Of course my boss took my resignation because I was acting like a crazy ass bitch and who needs the drama.. Like I said I did little to help my case and look like a normal stable person. No wonder he jumped at it.
I am such an idiot. This company was willing to work with me but I the panic of being treated differently and needing help for such easy tasks overwhelmed me. UGH! I hate myself for this mess and over reacting. I feel like a complete loser. UGH!!! Why cannot I just be normal
How do you get your confidence and self-esteem back? How do you stop being a f*ck up?
