General Accepting Support - Being There For Someone Who Struggles To Accept It

[Bella\B]

Hi. Does anyone have any insight on how to help a ptsd sufferer contact you when they need to but are scared and anxious?

My boyfriend of 3 years has delayed on-set ptsd. It stems from a serious of traumatic events which have happened to him throughout his early life. Prior to this summer he was incredibly mentally strong - a few anxiety and anger issues, commitment worries and enjoyed time alone but no more issues than most of us have, it was just part of his personality.

In June 2016 cracks started to appear. Last week I realised how bad it had become for him when he stayed with me for the first time in a while (he has been pushing me away and blocking my phone) I discovered that he had blacked out a number of times and that his panic attacks were increasing. He had a nightmare that night about one of his past experiences and told me this now happens most nights.

The iron lock he had on all these memories and experiences has broken and his brain and body seem to be breaking down. He went to a clinic in another country (at the insistence of his work psychiatrist) 3 days ago and the last I heard from him was an email from the airport saying goodbye. I have not contacted him apart from 1 message that same day to tell him that I had bought a phone if he needed to contact me (mine had been broken for 1 week)

I have read hundreds of posts on this website (which is full of amazing people by the way and I'm so glad to have found it) and think I understand the need to give him his space and allow him to be alone, especially as I am often a trigger to his anxiety. However, I also know (as he's told me) that sometimes he really needs me but he doesn't want to hurt me, cause me stress or for me to see him as what he views being mentally weak (or in his words - a f**k up). He says that I'm better of without him, he's also never been used to having a confidant or someone to rely on before - not his family nor even his ex-wife - so he's used to dealing with things alone.

I'm not going to contact him, especially while he's receiving treatment as I understand it will cause stress and distract from his own mental fight. But is there a way that I can make him understand - I am always here, I'm proud of him, I know he's an incredible person and that actually the thing which hurts me the most is not being able to support him when he needs it?

I really believe that he needs someone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is a hard thing for supporters... Learning to let it go. We can't help them. We can't fix, we can't talk them into doing anything, we can't make them trust us.

We have to accept the fact we are powerless. It doesn't matter what we think they need, what makes sense, or what they should want, etc.

All you can do is what you've already done... Tell him you're there for him, and mean it. When he reaches out and sees that you mean what you say consistently, he may start to build some trust and reach out more. Of course he may not either. You can't know.

 

[ISupportHer]

I remember reading a post several years back here. Basically that, sometimes, the best way you can show your love as a supporter is to let them be themselves, give them room to heal. Not make it about you, the supporter. I am not remembering the exact words, however.

Sadly, there are times when expressing the ultimate love and support is, in fact, letting go. Sorry you are struggling.

ISH

 

[Glara]

I wish I could tell you what's best to do but I can't. My guy is MIA 4 weeks now. The longest was 5 weeks. I knew it was coming this time, unlike the first time. Back then I was clueless. Often I feel like it's a dead end. I wish I had answers for you but I don't. I do know exactly how you feel. You've come to a great place for support.