Acknowledging The Shadows - Expelling The Darkness Of PTSD

[shiraz]

I write a lot of stuff which never makes it onto the forum. It is written to expel the demons, to get them on a page and out of my head, so that I can rest. I came across some of them today and I feel that they need a witness.

I am no longer in the dark place which inspired these words. But I was there for a long, long time and I need to acknowledge that and share it now that it feels safe to do so.

I am shameful and ashamed. I am a burden too heavy to bear. I recoil from my own insanity – in shock, I observe it and am repulsed. In horror I observe as I capitulate from reason and embrace madness. I beat my chest and tear at my flesh – willing an escape from torment. I am caught, I am trapped in a whirlpool; a cesspool of darkness – I feed off it and it feeds off me. It wrestles me to the ground and twists my left to my right and my right to my left. It is too strong, it overpowers my will, beats me till I can stand no more, renders my capacity useless and futile, discards me –limp and defeated, depleted to my shame. I am shameful and ashamed. I am weak and useless – burnt up, spent up, useless and sorrowfully ashamed.

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I wonder sometimes if the gift of PTSD is that we 'know' our darkness. People run form their shadows all their lives and never face up to them. We are forced to face them. Perhaps that is reason for courage - we have no choice but to face our shadows and overcome them and hopefully we will be stronger for the experience.

 

[a3a2]

Well said, Shiraz. Thank you.

 

[skyp56]

Very well put, Shiraz! And I agree that that we have had to know and deal with our shadows and darkness more than "normal" people have done.

So I will pat myself on the back for my "courage" in coming even as far as I have.

Thanks for sharing this.

 

[shiraz]

More Shadows

Thanks a3a2 and Skype, I have a few more to add .... exercising the demons.

I lean against the wall – feeling its rough, cold surface – pushing into it, kneading my body into it – willing it to absorb me, begging it to swallow me up and make me one with it – to cover me and hide me, to take me in without a trace.
There I will breathe again, there I will close my eyes and rest and be still … be quite … be nothing – observe without being observed, listen without being heard, allow guilt and shame to release me, for I am nothing and therefore they cannot hold me.

I wish myself to dust. To be swept suddenly away in a million minute pieces, for my pieces all together are too heavy to contain all in one. I wish to be dust, blown away on the wind, a curtain of dust, for a moment together – then swept away … released to freedom, without weight or restraint or desire for agency. Given to the wind, free entities without weight or burden, or sorrow, or past, or future – free to flow, to merge, to separate, without constraint, without obligation.​