Advice for the first anniversary of my suicide attempt

[bellbird]

Been away from this thread a little as have been going through some bumpy patches (though not to the point of SI), but now I realise it's probably a good thing to come back and work through this stuff. It helps a lot.

Wow -- @shatter eyes thank you so much for posting. It's really helpful to hear from you, and I too am glad that you are alive!
I truly marvel at your strength to have come through such massive things in the way that you have and with the perspective that you now have.

So, Tues 21 May. The day will see me traveling by train to another city and staying the night at my friends’. (The next day I’ll be flying to Edinburgh!!!)

I've only been to Edinburgh once but I absolutely loved it. Such a beautiful city.

I think I’ll dedicate the time on train to listening to good music and watching some film I’d really like to see. Then, when I see my friends, I’ll let them know they really mean a lot to me. I guess we can also make dinner together. We have some old all-time favourites we often make.

And as for the butterflies... I’ll come up with something. :D ?

This makes me really happy to read. Thank you, @Freemartin .

Oh, and maybe you can start making those flipcards. You can share them with us if you want. We could help you come up with things.

Flip cards.
Last year May 21 I was...
-in the thick of an eating disorder
-clinically depressed
-experiencing chronic back pain due to scoliosis
-had severe insomnia as we had not yet sorted my sleep med combination
This year May 21 I am...
-in remission from my ED for just over 6 months
-no longer have my MDD diagnosis
-not in back pain! and I have a freaking straight spine!!!!
-have a med combo now that at least can put me to sleep (even if I still wake up 2-3 times from nightmares each night)

I will post any more that come to mind, and if anyone else would like to help that would be very appreciated! I'm not the best at coming up with "positive things" for myself :laugh:

 

[Freemartin]

Sounds great! So happy for ya!

 

[bellbird]

Sounds great! So happy for ya!

So I read this, and my first reaction was: huh? why?
And then I went back and reread what I had written and it kinda hit me like ohh... I am actually doing much better in several areas of my life than I was one year ago (well duh, bellbird, you wrote the flipcards...)

Apparently I can't see things that are staring me right in the face.
At least I got there eventually :laugh: thanks @Freemartin !

 

[Freemartin]

How are things today?
How does it feel now to wait for the anniversary?

One more thought: would it be helpful to make plans for the day after? I often find it a good idea to plan the day after the dreaded day.

 

[bellbird]

How are things today?
How does it feel now to wait for the anniversary?

Thank you for asking :hug:
Things today have been alright; I've been quite tired so have tried to get odd jobs done around the house that needed doing.

Waiting for the anniversary now feels... well, nerves still. But certainly better than before I started this thread.
This time last year we were getting into the last 10 days leading up to my attempt. So there are a lot of painful flagposts leading up to the actual day. Memories of just how much pain I was in. How agonising each day was. How hopeless I felt. How much I hated myself. My hospitalization for SI 5 days before my attempt. My utter disappointment when I realised they'd only prescribed me one lorazepam upon discharge (my suicidal naivety had thought (desperately hoped) there may be more.

I guess this is where the flip cards come in huh. Back tracking... re reading... deep breaths...

Last year May 21 I was...
-in the thick of an eating disorder
-clinically depressed
-experiencing chronic back pain due to scoliosis
-had severe insomnia as we had not yet sorted my sleep med combination
This year May 21 I am...
-in remission from my ED for just over 6 months
-no longer have my MDD diagnosis
-not in back pain! and I have a freaking straight spine!!!!
-have a med combo now that at least can put me to sleep (even if I still wake up 2-3 times from nightmares each night)

Ooh yeah ok that made me tear up just bu reading. Definitely a lot of emotions around this.

I have T on this Wednesday which is really good.

One more thought: would it be helpful to make plans for the day after? I often find it a good idea to plan the day after the dreaded day.

Really good idea, thanks. I think it would be.
I'll actually be seeing T the morning after, and I will definitely use that session to deal with anything that's hanging around. Especially good since "the morning after" one year ago, was when I was wheeled (too weak to walk) from ED where I had spent the night, to psychiatry, and was then admitted to inpatient.
I think I will talk to T about this all this week too.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why give it any weight at all?

Not good, not bad, just is.

I’ve never had anniversaries and I admit I don’t understand the anniversary concept. My boyfriend is a total anniversary person and his calendar is littered with bad days. Some months have so many bad anniversaries that nothing noteworthy can be planned in those months. It drives me batty. If we ever get married, he’d have to pick the date, not me. All I know is we started getting more serious in July of last year, still no idea of the exact day we became committed, it might not have been until August, who knows.

 

[bellbird]

Why give it any weight at all?

I think in my circumstances, the power was given subconsciously and by the time I realised, it had already become a "thing".

I also have a thing for numbers (which showed during my ED), which makes anniversary dates or "it's exactly X number of weeks since Y happened" really stick in my brain.
I know it's something I'll need to work on, in general, through therapy with my new T, and hopefully it can make anniversaries (trauma- & attempt-) less of a Thing.

I'd really like for my attempt to not be such a big thing right now as one trauma anniversary around this time of year is enough, but my brain just isn't there yet :) and I am mindful of giving my worry/anger/grief/guilt this outlet through words, as it's a whole lot better than other coping techniques.

 

[Freida]

I love that you are doing the countdown because it is helping (forcing? :) ) you to see the differences between this year and last. I do the same thing with my anniversaries -- I go back in my journal to see where I was one, two, three years ago and compare to today.
I read my entries and I'm like...wow I was a mess. There were times I couldn't even type in full sentences, or I was still struggling to understand what was happening.

I hold on to that when it feels like I haven't improved at all because it's me talking to me about how I felt. Not my t, not my hubby. Me. I'm the one who wrote those things then and who is reading them now. Kind of like you are doing with your list.

And I love the idea of a Day After Anniversary Celebration. Even if it is something simple -- get a mani/pedi, walk in the park, buy yourself something nice, whatever. Celebrate how far you have come!

 

[bellbird]

Oof.
Starting to feel my SH urges coming back... and I'm still in my office, dammit; there's not even a fkn razor out here.

It's a year ago today that I had a total utter meltdown; basically the one that triggered the last downward spiral to attempt one week later.

A lot of really really painful emotions going on rn.
Trying to write it out instead of acting it out but f*ck, this is really hard.

 

[EveHarrington]

My bad.

You tend to have verrrrrrrry long threads so forgive those of us who don’t have the patience to read through many many many pages to catch up beyond your OP.

There are those of us who comment based on the first post and the first post alone, even if the conversation has since evolved.

I’ll cease doing this in your threads.

 

[bellbird]

forgive those of us who don’t have the patience to read through many many many pages to catch up beyond your OP.

For sure. Never had an issue; I'm beyond grateful that people take the time to comment at all. Just figured quoting what I'd already said would save some keystrokes over typing it out again.

 

[bellbird]

A lot of really really painful emotions going on rn.
Trying to write it out instead of acting it out but f*ck, this is really hard.

Grounding tonight is one hell of a challenge. Had a big panic attack earlier.

Trying so hard though.
Accessing all my senses.
Sight : I'm currently in the kitchen with our fairy lights on. They go all around the kitchen/dining area. Seriously beautiful, especially at night. It's like being inside a Christmas tree. They're currently on the twinkly setting, and their dancing golden light is reflecting onto the ceiling edges. I had a different kitchen one year ago.

Sound: soft soothing music playing.
This track has been my favourite recently:

I didn't know this song one year ago.

Feel: my soft flannel pyjamas against my skin. I didn't own these one year ago.

Taste: my dinner that I've eaten; nourishing food for my body, that I didn't allow myself one year ago.

Smell: amaranth pudding cooking with fresh almond milk I made this evening. Ditto for ^taste.

Telling myself, that the pain I felt last year was real. And it was valid. But I'm not in that same pain this time this year. I'm safe. I have so many things I want to experience; I want to live.
I know some of me believes that, but there are parts that don't even want a bar of it. And they're making this really difficult, sorry.