Anniversary of my suicide attempt creeping closer...

[Muttly]

I hope you are hanging in there. I know it's a hard time.

 

[Tinyflame]

It feels petty to write that but it's honest.

Not at all petty. Honest and knowing yourself.

I am unfamiliar with how to rise again while relinquishing control especially over other's opinions of me.

You are very sensitive. You can't control them, only how it impacts on you/ reduce the hurt. You need people that value that, and treat you accordingly.

I was told once, "You have to protect your heart". :hug:

 

[Ellabella44]

No that's fine. I'm getting myself back from a bad weekend when this was very much on my mind because my emotional pain felt physical.

 

[Ellabella44]

@Tinyflame I never thought of getting help (therapy and meds) as an option back then either. Drinking seemed to be the answer to dealing with my symptoms instead. It just made it all worse and the urge to end things stronger.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Ellabella44 I tried the drinking amongst other things too.

 

[pamcoco]

I expected to be all fired up and expressive as the days move along. But, I feel numb, avoidant and am slowly but surely fastening my space suit so I can exist outside of this atmosphere.

I leave effectively and completely. There is no one to notice, still.

I feared focusing on gathering the means again, but I am not. Having contemplated taking my life backward, forward, sideways and inside-out, there are very few methods I determined to be realistic options. Last year, the thing was, I had found the drugs in a cabinet at a thrift store. I opened it and there they were, handfuls of drugs. I just slipped them into my bag and honestly felt mercy had finally befallen me.

I didn't use them for a long while, but felt relief that they were an option. It's interesting, I am not sure I would have gone out of my way to extinguish myself, but presented with the option without effort, it was eventually irresistible.

I feel shame wash over me as I write. I should be more poignant, it seems. I should know myself more, made strides inward and outward, volunteered for good causes, recycled with diligence, come to peace in some monumental way...

But, here I am on this Sunday, floating like a helium balloon.

 

[Ellabella44]

Shame , regret, feeling like you've been a total a** to anyone who cares for you. Yes a whole list of bad feelings about an attempt. Try to go easy on yourself for it. Every day you have lived past that is the hard part. Congratulations you survived that's the important thing. Hugs if you accept them.