Relationship Advice Needed For Isolation Tips Please

[A13]

Good morning,

I'm relatively new in dealing with my sufferer. We've been seeing eachother for just over a year and I've only properly educated myself in dealing with ptsd over the last 6 months or so, I'm still pretty new. If I say anything wrong I'm sorry as I said I'm still educating myself.

Sometimes (in my own head) I get angry because I just can't explain his yoyo moods sometimes and can't find A trigger as such.
I know this is wrong and I keep it to myself but I'm struggling with not getting frustrated recently.

Basically he's ignoring all my text messages, pretty quiet, a little stroppy. Last night got into bed after working nightshift where we usually cuddle and chat. He got in lay still had nothing to say. Which this time I'm struggling with. (yesterday he did get let down by a guy who was doing him a favour) is this enough to push him Into this mood.
I asked him are you OK. He told me yes I'm tired leave it!
I know him. I know this isnt tiredness, isolation at its best.

How do I stop myself from feeling like he's being unreasonable as I've.not done anything on him yet it's only me he's taking it out on.

I've learned so much about ptsd but I'm a bit pissed off this time for some reason and feel like everytging I know about the sufferer has just disappeared out of my head. Why am I the only person he isolates with. His work colleagues he's normal with, customers in work he's normal with...

Do I just feel irritated because it's happening so often now?? Do I feel fed up with it?? Or why does this time feel different??

Please help me get this right in my own head.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Why am I the only person he isolates with. His work colleagues he's normal with, customers in work he's normal with...

This is a backhanded compliment. He is pretending with everyone else, but being himself with you.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand how frustrating and upsetting this can be. My husband calls family every night and it can be very confusing to hear him laughing and chatting on the 'phone with them, then quiet and distant with me.

I've learned to deal with it by keeping myself busy. I have lots of hobbies, and I keep a journal for when I need to get everything out.

I may be the one he shuts out at times, but I'm also the one he comes to, the one he opens up with.

I leave him alone when he needs space, but he knows I'm there and he has told me that is one of his biggest comforts.

You need to find out what he needs from you at these times (best to ask when he's in a better place), and work out together what will work for you both.

Good luck.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Like @Purplemunchkin said, you may be getting the brunt of it because his guard is down with you.

It's OK to get frustrated or upset... Supporters are allowed their emotions too. It takes awhile to get to the point where you really know it isn't about him being upset at you. It's a confusing learning curve, and logically you may know it, but eventually you'll know it instinctually.

Also, there's no way you'll ever be able to identify all his stressors or triggers. He probably doesn't know a lot of them until he runs across them. Some of them won't make sense to anybody but him. It's easier to learn how he reacts when he's stressed, and learn to recognize it.

For example, I can recognize my vet's "boiling point" sigh from across the house. He does it when he is super stressed, so that's my cue to give him a little room. If I went in and tried to cheer him up, he'd eat me for breakfast.

It will make more sense to you as you go along, but don't feel bad for getting frustrated a long the way.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that a good idea is for you to start a trauma diary in the supporter section as there are so many supporters who have been going through what you are going through and there you will find excellent tips and help and support. I wish you the best.

 

[Sighs]

I second @Sweetpea76. He is probably not aware of all his triggers. My vet often only realises its the anniversary of an incident AFTER he has been in a shitty mood for a week!

You're the only person he can be himself with. As Missy Higgins says "I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see so we can both be there and can both share the dark." The better you get to know him the more dark you will share. If you want to. If not (and its ok to say - nope - I'm afraid of the dark - I'm going back out into the light) then you should probably end the relationship.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[A13]

Thanks guys. This has made me feel alot better!!!

 

[shimmerz]

yesterday he did get let down by a guy who was doing him a favour) is this enough to push him Into this mood.

Absolutely it is. It most likely has not occurred to him yet though that this is possibly what set him off. Tired may well be exactly how it felt to him as well. As a sufferer, I can tell you that it was almost impossible for me to identify the 'normal' feeling for the proper trigger.

What may help him is what my people did for me. They would (and still do) make the parallel for me. For instance, I don't feel cold. They would notice cold for me and taught me to see the signs that my body was reacting to cold 'Shimmerz, you have goosebumps, here is a sweater. Now, isn't that warmer?'

Not sure if it is appropriate for your situation but am wondering if perhaps it would be a good idea, when you see that he is affected, rather than asking him what is wrong (which can be frustrating when one can't put the pieces together), a short (very) mention of how his friend's backing out must have been disappointing to him might start helping him put words to an emotion.

Just a suggestion. No idea if it feels right in your situation.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@shimmerz makes a good point about "what's wrong" questions... They set my vet off. Same with "are you OK?" He's told me many times, nothing's OK, and everything is wrong even when he's having a good day.

 

[JM318]

Like @Purplemunchkin said, you may be getting the brunt of it because his guard is...

"He'd eat me for breakfast" hahahaha. My veteran has that sigh too but more so him breaking something, then getting frustrated and breaking it more then saying "China shit" under his breathe. haha thanks for the laugh this morning. I miss my veteran, 3 weeks isolation from me :/

 

[JM318]

@shimmerz makes a good point about "what's wrong" questions... They set my vet off...

Yes, I have noticed this recently and I'm glad you mentioned this! The day of my veterans breakdown 3 weeks ago, I showed up at his house because we had a wedding. I knew he had been off all week and something was different, I said "Is everything okay? Is there anything that I can do for you?" and he said, "Just leave it alone" and I just said "Okay" and hugged him. He HATES when I ask him. Not sure why but it always feels like it's something I've done, when I KNOW that this isn't about me. I wish he would reach out but I'm not sure when that will happen anytime soon :/