Advice On How To Say/explain This?

[saffy]

Monster1977 has a good thought with mentioning medication

I would err on caution about making things up to get out of things. When will it end? You cannot be on antibiotics forever. One excuse after the other may not help at all.

For me I would feel like a fraud and fake if I lied to get out of something like this. Being in your truth is more powerful in the end and they will respect that more that making up excuses.

Just my opinion :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[KP the nut]

How did you get on? I hope that whatever you did, it was right for you and that you enjoyed yourself.

 

[inspirit]

I often get the same kind of pressure from my friends, and it can be extremely hard to be firm with them. Drinking makes me feel vulnerable so I resorted to making excuses why I didn't want to drink - medication, can't afford to etc etc but there are only so many times you can use them before they start to get fed up. Being upfront is difficult when your friends are as pressing as mine, so if they won't take no for an answer, I just make sure that I order my own drinks, if you normally drink rum and coke like I do, just order a coke - they won't know the difference unless they taste it, and chances are they won't notice after they have had a few drinks anyway. It works for me.

I hope that it went okay for you!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think you are very wise and need some new friends. You have the right not to do anything that makes you feel unsafe. Just say no and stick to your guns. Being the designated driver was a good idea. Please take good care of yourself and do what you want to do so you do not have any regrets later on that will haunt you. Take care.

 

[Orglethorp]

How did you get on? I hope that whatever you did, it was right for you and that you enjoyed yourself.

It hasn't happened yet, they want to take me out this coming weekend.

I think you are very wise and need some new friends.

I don't actually think that my general friends would care one way or the other if/what I chose to drink at a party. The ones wanting me to experience drunkenness are my sorority sisters.

Being the designated driver was a good idea.

This sort of situation is pretty much the only sort of occasion when I actually wish I had a car. Normally I hate driving, but if it would get me out of drinking without the awkwardness of revealing why or trying to substitute the reason why, it would be worth it.

Being sisters implies that these are girls I could tell the truth to and not be judged, but I think it's too soon to do that. We're a new chapter, so we are also all new to the group and have only known each other for 2-4 months (depending on when each girl got involved). I'm also their president, as of this past Saturday, and I don't want them to doubt my abilities as a leader if I choose to tell them about PTSD and they don't understand what it all means.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry I misunderstood you. It is a very complicated situation. Do you have a counseler that you can talk to about this. Because I am stumped. You are really put on the spot. I think you are very wise and have a good head on your shoulders. You really know how to take care of yourself. I think that is a very good thing. I hope they do not do shots. It would be nice if they did drinks then you could sip very slowly on yours. I am wishing you the best with this decision.

I understand that you are the president. This is a real test of your character and a real serious and complicated problem. You really have to watch your own back. I sure hope someone comes up with a great solution for you because you deserve it.

I do not know about sorority sisters and how that works. It is like a club right? Do you live with them too? Is there a house mother? Is there any wise adult that you can go to with this problem? I am concerned for you. this is pretty bad peer pressure. I wish you had one of them that thought like you do and you could watch out for each other..

 

[Orglethorp]

I suppose you could think of a sorority as a club, yes, in a way. It's meant to be a bond beyond friendship, since friendships can come and go but your sisters are supposed to be your sisters forever. Many/most sororities revolve around the ideas of unity, philanthropy (charity work), and academics. It isn't supposed to be like the herds of brainless popular girls like you see in comedy films, and the one I've joined definitely is not like that, but I've definitely seen ones that do appear that way.

No, we don't live together / have a house. Our chapter is too new for that! Our mentor chapter doesn't even have a house yet. Even if we did, though, being president of the founding class I would be the house mother myself.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Orglethorp)))

I don't know how to say this so as not to make it sound condiscending (sp). If it comes across as that please accept my apology as that is not my intention.

If I start by saying I am 52 and have learned a lot as I have gotten older. I think I am no longer at the age that I care about what my peers think. I do what is best for me and I don't care if that involves white lies. If it is comfortable for me, I'll do it.

If you don't want to go into details, then the antibiotic is a good one. Start laying this down in advance, even to the point of taking a low level pain killer eg mild parecetamol. Folk will accept that.

If you are in one bar only. I'd suggest having a word with the barman. Ask him, if you can only be served a soda, make this for health reasons, for a small tip, he should play along. I don't know about where you live but licensed premises should have a duty of care to their patrons.

Believe in yourself (((HUGS)))

 

[maddog]

I'm chiming in late here, I hope that's ok, but I just wanted to say how much I empathise with how complex this situation is for you on so many levels. Yes, of course all of the pragmatic advice about having the right to simply say no is good advice and very very true.

But I also know that it can be extremely difficult to pull off in reality and is sometimes a stressor in itself that can feel worse than the thing you are trying to say no about. And with the added complicating dynamics of the serority (which I admit I don't really understand but can imagine are very binding and significant), I think you are wise to give this lots of consideration with an eye to all possible consequences.

I agree with KP, I really do. "Whatever gets you there" is my favourite motto sometimes. If that means lying, enlisting the help of a co-conspirator, telling the truth and hoping for the best, strategically arming yourself with a single drink that *miraculously* never runs dry throughout the evening, or whatever else, then do it. You owe nobody other than yourself anything, and to yourself you owe the greatest care and respect that you can. Sometimes doing "the right thing" is just about what's right for you.

As someone who used to drink heavily in social situations for the sole purpose of conquering my social phobia and extreme inhibition, and who now can't dare to do so because of an inability to manage PTSD symptoms, I can attest to how hard it is to find a new social self and context that feels safe and ok. It's actually a really big deal personally, no matter what anyone says.

I really deeply empathise with you. Ideally, an understanding sister within your group who could keep an eye on you, help you to manage and divert drinks, help buffer you with the other girls if explanations are required, etc, would be ideal. Do you think there is a chance that such a person exists in your group?

Maddog

 

[Orglethorp]

Thanks, Maddog.

I've been considering revealing the truth to the sister who is our VP, since she's my "partner in crime" for everything else we ladies do and she's a psych student. Alternatively, there's another coming-25 year old interviewing for the sorority soon who might decide to come along to our parties in the future (probably not in time for this weekend, though), and I think she and I would understand each other quite well. We older-than-average students in the engineering faculty have slowly been uniting into our own little social group, so I've just recently met her, but I'm seeing someone who thinks a lot like me and who has had some more tangible life experiences than these younger students. She has also left her home province, she's working on a second degree, she has army experience, and I know from a conversation we had earlier today that she disapproves of students who prefer to get drunk on a regular basis. Maybe in the future she can be my co-conspirator.

 

[Sailorgal]

The little white lies only work if you are strong enough to handle it, and the risk of being exposed to any possible triggers. At times just the mere thought of something triggering caused anxiety. Be completely honest with yourself. Will they really not pressure you? Will you REALLY be able to stop an one or two drinks or stress yourself over insulting them by not drinking away?

I personally wouldn't go into details but maybe just say that you are going through some difficult times including not feeling all that great and you don't want alcohol to affect you. You mentioned earlier about it causing you to do things you might regret. Stick to your guns. Good luck!

 

[saffy]

Being sisters implies that these are girls I could tell the truth to and not be judged, but I think it's too soon to do that.

I think it is very important to set the ground straight away. Saying what you like and what you do not like straight away lets everyone know your boundaries for the future.

Setting boundaries now will help in the long run. Making excuses or being passive will only cause trouble later on. Believe me on that one. Been there, done that, worn the Tshirt, It does not pay to not be in your truth.

What you do now will set the path for the future. Make sure you say exactly what you mean.

If they do not respect your boundaries they have a problem not you and they are not worth spending time with anyway.

Be strong, write a script if needed but be truthful and set your boundaries quickly. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)