Relationship Advice request: finished relationship, feel compelled to write, unsure if useful or appropriate

[Orangesfrompears]

Hey there everyone,

Situation is, my relationship recently finished with a person who experiences after effects of childhood trauma and neglect. Not in therapy.

I work in this area so am more aware than some of my ex’s day to day living struggles. The biggest of these is the inability to bond, trust, be present, and being triggered when it comes to intimacy.

My ex goes through repeated relationship honeymoon phases and then discards when there is a near bond. Often appears to be acting from the childhood self, appears constantly triggered. Is extremely confused about any kind of decision making, operates with a number of realities (different opinions and thoughts on the same thing at different times). At the same time, is functioning at work, sort of socially.

I never said much of this to my ex. I was always waiting for the right moment. My ex believes they are just fine and wants to avoid the story of the past.

I’m wondering.... I feel, as the only person that knows about this childhood history.... and as something can see their behaviours clearly.... that I have a duty to express and address what I see. In a letter.

But, I wonder, do I have a right? To write to them about the thing they don’t wanna think about. To give my observations of what I saw of their life. To even suggest to think about these things if all they wanna do is avoid them.

What do you think?

 

[Kubash16]

Since they are now your ex, no I wouldn’t. It would make them defensive and may chock it up to you being vengeful somehow. They have to hit their own rock bottom to truly get help. If they weren’t the ones to fully make that decision it’s just going to crash and burn.

 

[Friday]

Personally, I think I’d file the entire notion of writing to an ex outlining exactly how f*cked up they are... and expecting that to not go badly... as the crazy shit we do when drunk or heartbroken.

 

[Hojay]

I’d advise against it. Nothing good will ever come of telling someone “all about themselves,” especially when they’re evidently not willing to really take a look. I believe you that you’ve seen through his behavior entirely. Use that to come to terms with and heal from the effect that has had on YOU, rather than trying to help or enlighten him about his condition. I prided myself in not being codependent in my relationship. The fact that I knew more about him and his condition than he did himself showed me how wrong I was about that. Telling him about himself would likely be a codependent act.

 

[dulcia]

Hard no from me, as well.

 

[EveHarrington]

I never said much of this to my ex. I was always waiting for the right moment.

I think maybe this was the issue, waiting for the right moment?

The thing is, most of the time there isn’t a “right moment”.

If you care about someone, I mean truly care about them, you’ll be willing to say the hard stuff, even if you know it will put the relationship on the line. Saying these things now means no threat to the relationship because there is no relationship, thus you’re not at risk for losing anything. To me it’s putting the relationship above the well being of those in the relationship, which can never work.

Next time, be willing to say the hard stuff, because if you’re at the point of not being able to discuss this serious stuff, the relationship is already falling apart.

 

[LovingH]

I agree w the people who say no, don't do it--but only because you may not be strong enough to deal with the anger that results from it. I've done this. It never works out well for anyone. My exes have never ever gotten into therapy due to my urging. Trust me on this. She needs to figure out she needs therapy, on her own.

 

[Justmehere]

This is my very biased perspective as a sufferer, so please feel free to disregard if not helpful.

I work in this area so am more aware than some of my ex’s day to day living struggles.

But, I wonder, do I have a right? To write to them about the thing they don’t wanna think about. To give my observations of what I saw of their life. To even suggest to think about these things if all they wanna do is avoid them.

If my ex, who worked in the area of childhood trauma, sent me their analysis of my mental health and behavior in the relationship related to childhood trauma I had been avoiding, and they did so after the breakup, even calling it finishing the relationship (which almost sounds like a termination, not a romantic breakup), I’d be even *less* likely to seek help or address those issues.

If you want them to get help, I strongly suggest not mixing up profession-informed observations of mental health with the pain of a breakup. They know options to get help are out there.

 

[grit]

You were another person who did nt say the right thing at the right time just like all the others before you. No one was ever real with him so why now?
Is it to show you know him better than he knows or you want to set him on fire.. Like revenge.. Poke him while down.

I would say keep your coolness and integrity and let him find himself.