General Affection Without Intimacy

[gibs1177]

I am married to a wonderful man who has combat related PTSD. We were married before the onset of his disorder. In other words, I did not marry the man who came home but I love and support him today just as much as I did the day he left. We love each other very much and do have an affectionate relationship, though it severely lacks intimacy. We snuggle on the couch just as much as we snuggle in our bed. We have not had sex in over 6 months. His description of his non-interest is that his “hardware works, but my software doesn’t”. I am as understanding as I can be but it is getting hard to just accept that this is our intimate relationship and that’s it, forever. Sometimes it is confusing how he can be as affectionate as he is and not have any want or need for intimacy.

I have been reading other comments, comments posted on other sites, and researching medical/psychological literature to try to rekindle our intimacy. It appears that most spouses just “accept” this as the norm and for lack of better terms “just deal with it”. I’m not sure if I can accept this as the norm in my marriage though I don’t pressure him. We are nearing the one year anniversary of the event that caused his PTSD. He has not been to therapy but will have his first session very shortly which I will be attending (a step in the right direction).

I know there are a lot of similar situations. Does anyone have any advise, suggestions, hope, and/or methods I might try to help our marriage?

 

[Springer80]

I have not been in your situation but personally I would say that emotional intimacy is the foundation of a relationship and the building block of trust.

I would place everything before it. Love prevails over circumstance.
If the hardware works then with comfort and support and understanding your bloke will come out of this and be forever in awe of how lucky he was and is to have you.

 

[Miranda V]

Has he been checked for depression? Lack of a sex drive can be a symptom, and it can also be a result of certain SSRIs.
I would say that you need to prioritize the emotional intimacy first. That's what he needs from you right now, and if he feels like he is being pressured into sex and getting back to normalcy, then he might clam up sexually and emotionally.
Best of luck to both of you. I'm sure that the therapy will be a big help.

 

[RussH]

Another thing to consider is the PTSD can be causing a certain amount of survivors guilt, and makes him think he does not deserve to enjoy his relationship with his wife, because the men who did not come back cannot enjoy intimacy with their wives.

Can it also be a lack of self confidence on his part? I know that when I have a PTSD flare up it affects my self confidence, and I question my masculinity; after all if I were a real man I would not suffer like this. Just a thought. I really hope things work out for you and your husband.

 

[scout86]

"Forever" is a long time. Since he's only been dealing with this for a year, and has yet to start therapy, which should help A LOT, I think there's plenty of reason to hope things will improve with time. Good luck to you both!

 

[gibs1177]

He is suffering from depression and survivor's guilt. We are working on finding the right medication to help. We do have emotional intimacy, it's physical intimacy that we no longer have. We are very much in love. I take care not to pressure him especially since he hasn't addressed the main issues with therapy, etc. I know that our intimacy issues aren't the most important. What is the most important is getting help for his depression and guilt.

When he came back to the states, I admit that I expected our life to be like it was and was taken aback because things were so drastically different. Again, confusion set in because there was a lot of affection just like before he left so I assumed it was me. At the time I didn't understand any of it and I did pressure him. I have training in psychology. In my profession have had individuals in my care who suffer various psychological diagnoses. So when he and I talked about it I was able to ask questions in a manner that he would and could answer. It was very helpful in understanding where his heart was (with me) and where his mind was (at war).

There are a lot of wives and significant others who are not supportive and to me that is very sad. This is the time my husband needs me the most. It took about a month of me repeating, "I'm not going anywhere" for him to trust that I will be here for and with him through whatever comes along. I love him regardless of physical intimacy and will be here come what may. He's my best friend and I won't give up on him in any way.

Thank you all for your advise and encouragement!!

 

[scout86]

There's a book that's my personal favorite "PTSD book" that I like to recommend. It's called "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior." The first time I read it, I found it at the local library, but I liked it so well that I bought a used copy online. It's aimed at people with combat related PTSD and their families, but it has lots of useful general information too. You both might find it helpful. I hope things work out!

 

[GG-love]

gibs - I understand the affection without intimacy. Actually just had this discussion with my bf about this last weekend. Left me feeling like a jerk for calmly asking for an explanation. We have been together a little over a year now and when things got stressful and I guess things got real with us there was a shift and it took me awhile to even bring it up. It was hard but he always says I don't open up enough. I know my situation is very different from yours but he went through a divorce after being diagnosed so that adds a layer to his intimacy issues and his trusting that once I see all the triggers and things I will want to stay, I have no desire to go anywhere. Even on the days when I hear hardly a word and he is off in his own world. I admire you because you are adapting to a change, I never knew my bf prior to this. Thank you for inspiring me today to keep strong and keep reassuring him that I am not going anywhere.