Afraid Of Dying And The Feeling Of Being Drawn To Jump...

[Fraenzy MDM]

Hey everyone,
thanks for your time and thoughts.

I do not know if I am right in this sub-topic. I never had, as far as I can remember (and I do have a huge lack of memory when it comes to my first 20 years of life...) been suicidal, never thought about it even once. Indeed, my CPSTD is accompanied by panic disorder and anxiety. Means that I actually feel that I do not fear anything more than dying, or the loss of beloved ones.

The fear of dying is actually so strong that I started to have some fixed habits like, never staying in front of a window when it is dark outside, passing by these windows when it is dark outside - cause I fear of being shot. (its rooted in something that was threatened to be done to me by my IP), also during nighttime I am afraid of me and everyone around me of dying.

So, why I am posting here and not in the panic sub-topic?
It has me now since months, something that slowly, slowly started and now became very strong, very present. I cannot stand in front of any open window anymore, because I fear that I might jump. I also have this fantasie of sth. dragging me down, like calling me, no voices included, just like sth. I should do, have to do... And I am so scared of myself, so scared that I might lose control over myself, that I do not come close to open windows anymore.

I did not talk about it with my therapist. I dont know...I feel like I come every week bringing up sth. new. And I also doubt myself.
Am I making this up?
I hear the voices of my father and my ex-husband: You are making things up, you are imagining, this never happened.... blaabla
I dont know...I really dont. I still have a hard time understanding what is real and what is not.
This feeling got very real, but is it? Its so contradictory to my other thoughts, fears...everything...

Of course, I do not need to do it, I dont need to stand infront of an open window...its just that I dont understand whats going on. Should I worry? Should I bring this up during therapy?

Is here anyone having experiene with these kind of feelings...situation?

Even writing this makes me feel being overly dramatic...
Thanks for having this forum...
Thank you all...

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I actually thought this was quite common, feeling an urge to jump when near a place where you can jump from, and such stuff? Do you have anything that helps with the fears?

Sending hugs, and hopefully any of this helps. Also I just realized I dissociated and haven't clicked "Post Reply"... Sorry. :hug:

 

[Fraenzy MDM]

Thank u a lot Saelben for your reply :)

I am new in this forum and starting here is, beside the therapy I started a few months back, the first time I am in contact with ppl that might understand or know whats going on, what PTSD or C-PTSD....
Hearing that this might be a common feeling does give me some relief.
I had prozac for my panix attacks and because my old psychatrist did diagnose me with major depression, but I do not take it anymore. I do have access to diazepam (controlled) in the worst moments. My fears are sth my therapist started to work on...but actually we are still in the "getting to know" phase somehow and....there are many things I did not talk about...(like checking if my dog is alive like every half an hour in the night...same with my husband sometimes when he is sleeping....and my fear of getting shot...) so far. I am planning to see a new psychatrist ( I moved to another city) and check if I should start medication...
I feel like I am in a bad phase right now and it starts to interfere in my work....

Thank you again :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Just try to remember, it won't last forever, it's just a current state

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @Fraenzy MDM I don't think you are being overly dramatic. Panic or behavior that develops over time must have a root cause coming from somewhere in your psych., perhaps something repressed I have no idea, but I am certain you have not engaged in your avoidance strategies or more & more struggling with these very disturbing thoughts because you want to!
I would suggest you print out your post & be as brave as you can be, make an appointment with your Therapist & tell him/her about this asap..
Something is really going on in your thoughts& feelings. It has become a worry that you can't explain or find any rational reason for. That is all the validation you need to be here & to get help. Do it soon.

 

[maelstrom]

Yes, I totally understand that. It may sound like it doesn't make any sense, but it does really. At one point of my life I was really suicidal, but at the same time I was also really anxious and scared--in fact I think the anxiety and fear were the very thing that drove me to it, because I could not bear living in fear anymore. To think of the long life ahead full of such unbearable fear and anxiety was too much, and death almost seemed like a way to escape that. For many people who have not had this kind of experience or who have never considered death or the fear of it seriously, it may sound ridiculous, but it makes a lot of sense really, and you shouldn't blame yourself for it. You are not making things up, and you are not overreacting. You are obviously suffering from a kind of anxiety that's very hard to talk about to people, but I do think you may want to bring it up with your therapist, because they are the most likely to help. I think you are very brave for bringing it up here, even when you are worried that people may not understand and think you are overly dramatic. But I hope all the replies here have shown you how that is not true, and there are people who do understand. Hope you will feel better!