Afraid Of Spending The Holidays With Others

[jcro0720]

Since Sunday I've had trouble with insomnia. I only slept for 3 hrs of a 36 hour period during my finals week in college. I know it's because of memories of the accident, I get this bad with the insomnia every few months, where I just sit up and/or pace and think about the accident. It seems only when my boyfriend stays the night that I'm able to sleep lately. But that's not while I'm doing this post.

I spent the entire day Christmas shopping with my boyfriend yesterday and we spent the night together and then went out to lunch this afternoon. We were finalizing our plans for Christmas this year when he teased me about what he got for Christmas. He dropped hints about the present and they included: sometimes needing to be plugged in, going to Target to get it, I'm really going to enjoy it, and that I've had one before but I don't anymore. I eventually guessed right that it was a digital camera but before that I asked if he got me an Ipod. He told me no but all through lunch I kept having flashbacks of the Ipod my parents gave me on Christmas Eve, and how much I used it in the 2 weeks leading up to my accident and how I lost it during the accident. I didn't say anything to him about the flashbacks and tried to stay involved in the conversation, even with these memories going through my head. Hell, even now I'm having them, but more intensely.

I'm supposed to stay the night with him at his parents' house on Christmas Eve, where we usually have dinner and drinks and they make small talk. I'm so scared about how I am going to handle this. Lately, especially when I'm awkward and uncomfortable(like when I'm with his parents) I withdraw much more than normal, thinking about either the accident or just being completely detached without much thought of anything, and I don't want to make things awkward for anyone. I worry that my flashbacks and detachment will make things more difficult, especially since I downplay it a lot around others. Another thing that scares me is that I am going to be sleeping in a different bedroom than my boyfriend. This poses a problem since the months following the accident when I've stayed with his family I am restless and unable to sleep and lay in bed having vivid flashbacks unable to go to him to be consoled. I know the typical response is either don't go then or just make sure people know but it's extremely embarrassing for me and hard to discuss, even though his family has been nothing but sympathetic about the whole situation. I don't want anyone to go out of their way for me, especially on Christmas. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

 

[anni]

Hi,

I know you just said it's hard for you to discuss, so do not wish to, but would you feel ok asking your boyfriend to sort of clear that path for you? It IS tough, having the sheer ego, or self worth ( whatever it is- I'm not defining it well, either, am I? ) to think you're 'worth' perhaps speaking up for, but really- you are. What our PTSD head insists on telling us is some HUGE big deal, possibly causing others all kinds of stress and turmoil generally really isn't and to this DAY ( ahem-20 years later) I'm still relieved when finding that this isn't the case-someone did care enough about me that it was ok to have 'said something'. Also that 'saying something' wasn't viewed as the huge big deal it is in MY head.'I don't want anyone to go out of their way for me'. Whew! That is awfully typical- and identifiable, too. WE see it like this- the self esteem is gone. Others truly, truly do not, that's all.

Possibly you and he could have it set up to where he can sleep with his phone, and you could call him to come console you if needed from another room? His family might know, then, but he'd be the one to sort of lay the ground work there, you wouldn't have to be involved and it sounds like everyone is probably kind enough to just behave in a way to give you as much privacy with this as possible. It's your Christmas too, and I'm fairly sure these people would wish you to feel welcome-perhaps do not know how. It's hard, I know, but try to not feel quite so 'in the way', like your PTSD head tells you. :) You're not, that's all.

I'm sorry the 20-questions present game triggered you. For what it's worth, my husband delights in doing this to me everyyyyy year- without fail. Tell your boyfriend he has to get better at it! :) I used to guess mine, too, and now get hints like 'You can't take it with you scuba-diving'. The rotter.

I did wish to take a moment to answer in case it would be at all helpful since gosh- quite well recognized some of this, especially your last 'not wishing anyone to go out of their way for me' statement. I'm a ton older than you but boy- sure heard that! :) If it wasn't in the least helpful, I hope at least you have someone find something which is, and have a nice holiday, and enjoy that camera.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[seedling]

I'm usually the one that makes people guess in our house ;).

Maybe you could think of an "escape plan" for times when you might feel overwhelmed and need some space. Do you know the layout of the house, is there a room you could go to, could you ask your boyfriend to suggest that the two of you planned to watch a movie or Christmas show together? Some small way to be alone, even for a short time might make things easier.
Could you make the excuse that you promised someone a short phone call on Christmas Eve and ask to be excused for a few minutes.
I think if they are sympathetic then they will not mind your withdrawal. Maybe if you could thank them a few times for something - the meal, whatever - they will know it's not something they've done to upset you and it won't worry them.

I like the phone calling in bed thing. Or maybe you could ask your boyfriend to either sit up with you or get up early with you and the two of you could snuggle on the couch and doze off together. I think they could understand the insomnia thing and it would be easier to "explain" or comment on than the flashbacks.

Take care, sounds like you have some nice people around you. It is so hard to reach out but it is worth it.

 

[Froggie]

I'm glad to read this post, I really was starting to wonder what was going on with me. I was with the people I love and care for the most and felt so out of it. Even the energie around Christmas and family felt different for me. Sometimes things seem to head or become triggers that I would just find a way to isolate - toilettes are great for this purpose. I'm starting to get a bit fed up with having to explain a few things about me and PTSD - even if in reality it hadn't happened often. ... like sorry if I'm weird to you today, but I'm normal for PTSD sort of thing ... it's hard because I remember having been different before this happened. Best of luck to you jcro0720