Afraid To Be A Woman

[Nebulustrix]

I have a problem that isn't quite the same, but your post really reminds me of it - and I think it is because both touch on the same "core" if you will.

I have never been a very feminine woman. I hate wearing makeup, only wear dresses when I must, refuse heels, never do much more with my hair than put it in a ponytail, could care less about what fashion is currently in style, and won't even shave my legs unless I know I will be in a situation with shorts/swimsuit where not shaving will make me feel self-conscious. I have been classified as a "plain-Jane" or a "tom-boy", but I am, despite my disinterest in conforming to any kind of social standard for women, very in touch with my womanhood and desire to display my confidence by dressing and grooming the way I choose.

I do not neglect my hygiene, and much of my confidence is tied up in my weight/physical health. As a child/teen, I was always overweight, but I was healthy enough to do the things I wanted to do. Then I went to college and took signed up for some PE-type classes that interested me - self-defense, weight training, conditioning, and judo. Through these classes I became more interested in more physical activities and became very active in the gym. I lost about 60 pounds and felt GREAT! I was at a confidence peak.

That was when I met my abuser. He was the first man to show any romantic interest in me. The first man to call me beautiful. And then, among the many other abuses that caused my trauma, he started picking apart the way I dressed, did my hair, the fact that I didn't shave, etc. He started telling me that certain things I would wear were "advertising" and "asking-to-be-raped". He became very angry/possessive if I had any sort of interactions with other men, even something as benign as an "excuse me" to someone next to me in a line.

Since leaving that situation, I have returned to my overweight status. I have extreme anxiety issues when attempting to do any of the activities I previously did to get my health/weight back under control. And my confidence is shot. I believe a part of me is afraid of regaining my healthy weight and confidence because I am afraid of finding another abuser.

I think that for both of us, the underlying issue is a sub-conscious connection that looking "nice" will attract a repeat trauma. Right now I am striving to overcome this by pushing myself to go to the gym despite my fears, to set a schedule for myself, and to not even bother with a scale, as measuring my weight (whether I'm succeeding in burning it off or not) causes too much anxiety. Being at the gym causes stress - especially being around a lot of muscular men, but it is the one outlet I feel comfortable enough with for exercise and I want to be at a healthy weight again, even if it terrifies me.

 

[Abendroth]

Hello, I'm new to this site and I never thought I'd be writing in something like this...but what do I have to lose right?

I'm scared of being feminine, not matter what I wear how I wear it I'm anxious I feel as if people are looking at me. I suppose you could call it a false or maybe real sense of danger? I wear baggy clothes, I've only recently in the last two years stopped wearing jumpers every season. I know its a self protection mechanisms so hopefully people don't consider me attractive but I've found since I've been going to gym and losing weight to try to empower myself I'm left worrying what might happen. I just want to hide myself away...I guess its also because I was never taught how to be a woman, I have no idea how to dress in that manner and when I do I feel dirty like I've been licked all over. Any help or advice would be great I really want to be comfortable in my own skin for once

Sorry this is brief but its mostly feeling based and I can't say I'm that wonderful at expressing them.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello and welcome, Abendroth.

I can relate to your post so much. I am not overly feminine either and was never really taught to be. I am overweight, wear baggy clothes and have weird hair. I wear makeup just because that's what I've been conditioned to do but it is minimal. I don't want people look at me. I don't want to be noticed. This is difficult to talk about.

All of that being said, I hope I'm not always this way. I am hoping, in all of the upcoming years of therapy, that I can find a way to like and have a more balanced view of myself and make an effort to present myself that way as well. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Though I don't have any sage words of wisdom or advice for you, I hope it helps just a little bit to know that you are not alone in this.

 

[arfie]

During my formative years, "You're such a pretty girl" meant molestation was already underway. No exceptions. What I was wearing, how my hair was combed (or not), etc., had no bearing on it. That is pretty deep conditioning. I was a young adult before I had meaningful exposure to healthy people of either gender. Well-dressed girls and women were even meaner than the men and boys to my child senses.

Be gentle with yourself. Not being a fashion diva is real low on my own healing priorities list. Let your freak flag fly!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think I understand a little bit. My issues manifest a little bit differently though. My sense of safety fluctuates with my weight. The heavier I am, the less "feminine" my looks, the fewer looks I get from BOTH men and women. The looks from men are that of interest, while the looks from women are more of scorn. I hate it.

I "scrub up well" and can make myself look really good. But, when I want to be inconspicuous I throw on whatever, don't bother to make myself look good, and I'm able to hide from the world. (My everyday look is average; nothing special, I'm not naturally blessed in the looks department!) It's made me realize just how much people judge you by your looks. Sometimes it feels nice to have the attention, but in the end it's just made me more bitter. It has reinforced the notion that if I'm not pretty and skinny that I'm an unloved nobody. It makes me feel unsafe because if someone pays attention to me simply because of how I look, it's not because they like me, rather they want something from me.

Sorry if this is too much of a tangent.

 

[Abendroth]

@Unraveling1 I've now lost 20kg so I'm now close to my healthy body weight, I'm a tomboy at heart I can't deny that. I just wish I wasn't scared of wearing feminine clothes due to passed experiences, believe it or not your words were wise enough. Thank you I truly mean it

@arfie I can agree with a similar statement in regards to sexual molestation/assult. I know it has no bearings and thank you for sharing your wise words. But I will have to agree women can be much meaner to you then men I suppose it depends on the person. But my anxiety always makes me feel I'm well disliked in a room anyway due to my awkwardness I'm sure its a common thing to think depending where you are at. :) But again thank you, the let your freak flag fly made me giggle which I wasn't expecting

@Solara I will admit I gained weight to make people not like me my view was who on earth would want to touch or be attracted to a bigger person. I relate to what you said most of all it runs similar with my views . it is truly sad how much people judge you based on your looks. Thank you!

(sorry that I am relating myself to all of you! You just had all good points and I wanted to point out what I was thankful for that you shared I'm really not narcissistic I promise you that.)

Thank you :) It means a lot to hear there are people out there going through similar things or have in the past

 

[Echo]

@Abendroth - I have had issues with my weight since I was raped and abused as a child. I was always really slender, and my body was really annoying to my mother. She mentioned on several occasions that it was inciting to my father and other men (her sick worldview). However, I think I must have internalised some of the warped thinking.

I put on weight for the first time after a miscarriage - my body didn't want to let go, I don't think - some kind of unfinished business. Then I put on loads of weight after the love of my life left me. I know this was me trying to make myself ugly in the hope of keeping men away (it never worked). Eventually I lost it and was nearly down to my normal weight and I had nearly regained my figure. I felt sexy again but it did freak me out how vulnerable I felt. I tried to stick with it. However, I suddenly realised that a guy I was falling in love with was returning the feelings, and within a fortnight of realising it, I had put on masses of weight. He also got scared (he also has CPTSD I think and a very rough childhood), and he ran away from me with no explanation. And wow, suddenly even more weight, along with feelings that I must make sure I was so ugly that no-one would want to touch me with a barge-pole. Now I am in a total state about it, because the last guy is circling around me again and I can't stand the idea that he'll see me like this. On and on it goes.

Actually, I do think it is all related to abandonment and emotional neglect as a child and then being blamed for being raped by my jealous mother. And ironically, I had low self-esteem and was utterly unaware that my body might even be attractive to men at that age - probably due to the endless put-downs by my abusive parents. It has taken me a long time to realise that I was raped because I was vulnerable and the rapist could read that somehow. The fact that I had a lovely figure or was dressed whatever way had no bearing on it at all. All of that is my mother's stupid way of seeing things and typical of all the vile, pervasive rape myths that we have forced down our throats as survivors. It is victim blaming and a load of rubbish. It just takes so long to realise it, and then to do the work on changing our negative core beliefs - well, I don't know how long it will take me to do it. I hope you and I do manage it nonetheless. Whatever were the circumstances, WE WERE NOT TO BLAME.

Take care of yourself and take small steps towards reclaiming your body, your sexuality and your femininity (however you want it to be). Create your own rules and don't allow yourself to be pressurised by what society says you should feel and look like.

 

[Abendroth]

@Echo wow, your indeed strong to go through all of that. I'm sorry to hear about your mother and her twisted logic. I will admit I've finally found the word I couldn't describe "Vulnerbale" that is exactly the feeling the more I am seeing of my natural figure. I hope you find the happiness your seeking, however I do agree with you there negative core beliefs and self hatred can make the path harder to get too. I know life is full of unexpected twists and turns but I hope from now on dear that life is good for you thank you so much for sharing your story it means alot. I look forward to creating my own rules & I hope you do too

 

[Echo]

@Abendroth - thank you for your kind words. Yes, vulnerability is somehow part of moving forward along with trust. We can't rush it, but I hope we get there nonetheless.

[I love your avatar, by the way!]

 

[broken brain]

I can relate, and I'm glad you started this thread. I feel ashamed for being a woman/feminine. When I meet guys (whether at school, in a pub, my bf's friends) I make myself like a bro to them so that they don't like me in that way. I do have a rather masculine energy, so I become one of the guys to push the attention away. I get disgusted by male attention. I am very rude and outspoken to idiots hitting on me and I swear you can almost touch the force field I put up around myself. Don't talk to me. I'm not here for your pleasure. A man walks behind me and puts his hand on the small of my back? It takes everything I have to refrain from punching him in the face. Go away!! I get honked at walking down the road? Out come the middle fingers and the f**k offs. It makes me feel sick. It always has. My 'normal' girlfriends don't get it.

I apologize for liking 'girly things' like getting my nails done, watching 'chick flicks', and dressing up.And in a very serious way, I don't feel like a female on the inside. I don't know how others feel, but when that thought occurred to me and the realization that I've always felt that way, I was more than freaked out.

In my teens, I didn't know how to manage my anxiety and I cut myself in more visible places to keep people away. I shaved my head to be less attractive. I felt preyed upon. I felt dirty. I felt out of control. Male attention made me sick and ashamed.

Now as I find myself in a straight relationship, I still blur the lines of 'male' and 'female' roles. My T is aware of all this and we will be hopefully addressing it in the near future.

 

[RussH]

Abendroth
As a man I cannot tell you how to feel femine, but if you will allow me; I would like to give you suggestions on how to dress.

A woman can dress very femine, and be very beautiful without being overly sexy. I personally pefer seeing a lady dressed nicely, in femine cut clothing that is modest, or conservative in taste. I find, as a man, it is much easier for me to appreciate the beauty of a lady, as a person, when she is dressed in this manner, rather than seeing her a sexual, or even worse a sex object. It is not that I am prudish; I just prefer to see a woman sending the message that she is confident, that she is beautiful, and and her own person, rather than she is available.

There is nothing more beautiful to me than a woman dressed as a lady.

I hope this helps and if it is offensive, then I apologize, my intent is not to offend, just to offer an opinion

 

[Abendroth]

@broken brain haha funny you should mention that I've shaved my head twice Its only been let to grow for the last 12 months but i'm grinding my teeth trying not to touch it. Plus who needs to brush your hair when you have none :p makes mornings easier.

Female or Male I think it just depends on the person you end up being with and who can love you for who you are. I'm lucky I'm living with a partner that loves my quirks as I didn't think I'd find that but my self hate levels are still horrible and self esteem.

Thank you for sharing :) I'm honored that you took time to speak.