Afraid to get a dog

[frogthroat]

What would be the benefits (if any) of having a dog?

I don't think there would be any. I normally don't text my therapist but I was so distressed about this I actually did today.
I told her that I've been really distressed ever since she mentioned me getting a pet. I told her that I saw too much animal abuse as a kid and that I have no idea if I'm a monster or not. I prefer that vulnerable beings that would need my care like animals or children are kept far away from me and that it makes me extremely uncomfortable to even think of having to care for something that can't fend for itself.
I've just seen something completely innocent get completely obliterated by sadism too many times. I just can't handle things that are "cute" or unsuspecting. It bothers me too much. I would rather just die alone.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don’t eat meat. Sorry if that is contrary to your attack on my character. But you asked for advice about getting a puppy. I expressed my opinion, you didn’t like it, fine with me, poor puppy.

 

[frogthroat]

I don’t eat meat. Sorry if that is contrary to your attack on my character. But you asked for adv...

Good for you. Nice low blow with the "poor puppy" bit as well. Congratulations.

 

[hithere]

I don't think there would be any. I normally don't text my therapist but I was so distressed about t...

this sounds so hard... and I think I can understand what you are saying and why you are so distressed by the thought of it.

 

[joeylittle]

I like dogs. I had a Chihuahua as a teen and I took care of her and I loved her.

So, this would be the benefit.

If I’m understanding your timeline right, you were caring for your chihuahua after the period of abuse you describe - is that correct?

 

[frogthroat]

So, this would be the benefit.

If I’m understanding your timeline right, you were caring for yo...

Yeah, that's correct. It was after my abuse ended.

 

[joeylittle]

That’s great - so, in some ways, you have already learned that you can care for a dog without being the same person your father was. And that it was your abuser who forced you to behave in ways that you would not do, if you had a choice.

None of this means it’s the right time or not the right time, now, to get a dog. But does it allay some of those fears that you are in danger of acting like your father or abuser?

 

[frogthroat]

But does it allay some of those fears that you are in danger of acting like your father or abuser?

I don't know. I was 15 when I had the dog, heavily medicated, and probably very dissociated. Now I'm a very salty adult. Kind and patient are not adjectives I would use to describe myself.
Plus love just messes me up. There's so much that live involves that has to do with power, domination, and humiliation. I'm so terrified of it. I almost feel like if I even touched an animal it would wither and die. That's a very dramatic example but my thoughts are almost that distorted. It's like when a random kid decides they're going to talk to me it feels like my jaw locks. I'm so afraid I'm a pedophile or something I literally just want to get away as fast as possible. I don't trust myself.

 

[ZoeGirl12]

My mom used to throw our childhooft dog down thestairst, hold him over the electric fence so he would be shocked over and over, beat him with a broom, and put him down when they were leaving for the weekend and that was cheaper than boarding him.
I now have a beautiful puppy! I struggle with the rage I learned from my mom but I'm NOT her! My dog is my emotional support animal, she goes on trips with me and many businesses are okay with her accompanying me. She has a lot of energy so I've started hiking and running with her- something I didn't do before her. She's the best when I don't have the words for what I'm feeling. When it's morning and I'm paralyzed by anxiety I can just lay next to her and let her soothe me .
Dogs are so much responsibility, when we first got her we were panicked (I recommend an ebook I Got A Dog- What Was I Thinking?). Having a little ball of positive energy in the house has been irreplaceable with my healing. Peeing a dog decreases cortisol and making eye contact releases seratonin. Amazing!
I hope you'll have some clarity in what's best for you!


I'm sorry for the typo! I meant petting a dog, not peeing a dog

 

[frogthroat]

My mom used to throw our childhooft dog down thestairst, hold him over the electric fence so he would...

Thanks for this. I'm sorry for what you went through. That was a huge step for you to get a dog and I'm glad the addition has been an improvement to your life.
Maybe one day I'll get a dog but for now it's not a good time for me.