Hi everyone, I am grateful to have stumbled over this forum.
I have been very lost lately.
My relationship started 5 years ago, we are in a long distance relationship but already lived together and have regular visits.
Right at the beginning, I noticed distance and insisted he'd tell me what was going on. He broke down in tears and admitted he had seen a fellow soldier with a self induced headshot.
This man had been isolated, eating alone. My partner decided to join him during lunch and for two weeks they ate side by side.
He blamed himself (maybe still does) for not having been able to prevent it. Him and I talked for hours and he seemed to do better. Our fresh relationship grew and turned him into a more outgoing and positive person. On hindsight I think it was careless to avoid consulting a professional.
3 years later there is a conversation that stood out in its raw honesty & has stayed with me
One night he confessed that in fact no one truly knew him, neither friends nor family. That carrying a mask has made him wish to pack a bag and disappear. He said that if people knew his true self, they'd be surprised of how different it is and probably reject him .
Anything involving emotions is problematic. It pains him greatly that he can't ask certain questions, say about his deceased grandfather. No matter how much his grandma would enjoy a talk, he seems blocked and it frustrates him greatly.
When his mother cried due to a friend's cancer, he stood on the other side of the room, lost and unsure of what to do.
His friends and family assume he is a calm & carefree character,they seem to have an almost shallow perception of him . Not at all attuned with the person I know.
He has a strong urge to be available and liked, I assume to avoid conflicts and uncomfortable displays of emotions. And will neglect his own needs in order to keep outer peace.
Something can crush him internally, yet outwardly he will have a relaxed expression and listen closley. Never demand for help. Grateful the focus is not on him, yet lonely.
I feel I am slowly being pushed away for having seen what nor family member nor friend ever has. The vulnerable, disappointed side of him that wants to stay hidden yet feel understood.
He tripples the amount of sportive activity and admitted it keeps him from overthinking.
His communication is kind but somewhat distant. When voicing my concerns, he ignores them by changing the subject or being annoyed.
We don't have much sex (which is nothing that concerns me for now)
Problems are usually brushed underneath the rug as he can't deal with conflict. He shuts down or retreats.
After a week of silent treatment, a first in our 5 year long relationship, I started to be concerned.
The last time I felt a wall like this is the night he told me about what had happened in the barracks. I think he is afraid of intimicy.
Do certain points sound familar? He has no trouble sleeping and doesn't have serious violent outbursts. He displays many traits of a fearful-avoidant,though.
Any perspective and insight is highly appreciated. Thank you very much for taking the time
Trecy
I have been very lost lately.
My relationship started 5 years ago, we are in a long distance relationship but already lived together and have regular visits.
Right at the beginning, I noticed distance and insisted he'd tell me what was going on. He broke down in tears and admitted he had seen a fellow soldier with a self induced headshot.
This man had been isolated, eating alone. My partner decided to join him during lunch and for two weeks they ate side by side.
He blamed himself (maybe still does) for not having been able to prevent it. Him and I talked for hours and he seemed to do better. Our fresh relationship grew and turned him into a more outgoing and positive person. On hindsight I think it was careless to avoid consulting a professional.
3 years later there is a conversation that stood out in its raw honesty & has stayed with me
One night he confessed that in fact no one truly knew him, neither friends nor family. That carrying a mask has made him wish to pack a bag and disappear. He said that if people knew his true self, they'd be surprised of how different it is and probably reject him .
Anything involving emotions is problematic. It pains him greatly that he can't ask certain questions, say about his deceased grandfather. No matter how much his grandma would enjoy a talk, he seems blocked and it frustrates him greatly.
When his mother cried due to a friend's cancer, he stood on the other side of the room, lost and unsure of what to do.
His friends and family assume he is a calm & carefree character,they seem to have an almost shallow perception of him . Not at all attuned with the person I know.
He has a strong urge to be available and liked, I assume to avoid conflicts and uncomfortable displays of emotions. And will neglect his own needs in order to keep outer peace.
Something can crush him internally, yet outwardly he will have a relaxed expression and listen closley. Never demand for help. Grateful the focus is not on him, yet lonely.
I feel I am slowly being pushed away for having seen what nor family member nor friend ever has. The vulnerable, disappointed side of him that wants to stay hidden yet feel understood.
He tripples the amount of sportive activity and admitted it keeps him from overthinking.
His communication is kind but somewhat distant. When voicing my concerns, he ignores them by changing the subject or being annoyed.
We don't have much sex (which is nothing that concerns me for now)
Problems are usually brushed underneath the rug as he can't deal with conflict. He shuts down or retreats.
After a week of silent treatment, a first in our 5 year long relationship, I started to be concerned.
The last time I felt a wall like this is the night he told me about what had happened in the barracks. I think he is afraid of intimicy.
Do certain points sound familar? He has no trouble sleeping and doesn't have serious violent outbursts. He displays many traits of a fearful-avoidant,though.
Any perspective and insight is highly appreciated. Thank you very much for taking the time
Trecy
