After Being Strongly Triggered, How Long Does It Take To Recover?

[Laura 2]

@silkleaves, gosh, you've described my experience almost to a T. I can't deal with phone calls labelled 'unknown' and even those that are identified sometimes I just cannot summon up the strength to answer and hold a lucid conversation. I know it's a necessary evil of modern life but I quite loathe my mobile- except it can store lots of podcasts and music which I constantly listen to when I'm out.

I don't use email anymore because I know I can't deal with an unhelpful response (for more than 10yrs all it's been is what they call signposting to yet one 'service' after another, quite often you land up going in a great circle and landing up where you started).

Not sure if I would agree with your therapist though. For me, it's not so much about intrusion but rather to do with the fact that people generally expect me to be brighter, more upbeat than I actually am and the pressure to take part in a normal conversation is just too much and always reminds me of how much has been taken from me, how dysfunctional I am or, to be more accurate, have been made.

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't even own a cell phone any more even though I am panicked about driving without one in my rural area. I hate it when my home phone rings, which isn't often. I don't really have a reason for it, but I guess I always fear the worst.

I never answer and unidentified call. Even when my husband calls me from work, I get anxious. My first thought is, "Oh my gosh, he is calling me from work, what is wrong? There must be something wrong."

 

[silkleaves]

@Laura 2 I think that how my therapist saw it in me is on a personal level. Like, in group, one of our exercises was to write down something that was important to us (they gave us this huge list to choose from), why it was important and why we felt it was something lacking in our lives. Interestingly, a lot of people chose trust, being able to trust someone and feel secure was the main theme. My therapist would nod, ask a few questions, move on to the next. When she came to me and I said trust, she was like Nope. And told me that mine was freedom. Took her awhile to explain to me why that was lol but it dawned on me that she might be on to something.

So even though we had a lot of the same reactions, where it comes from and what we personally need from an interaction (or lack thereof) can really vary.

 

[Laura 2]

@silkleaves - yes, I can understand the need for freedom, makes perfect sense. Being free can also give a deep sense of security

 

[silkleaves]

Yeah, the way she explained it was that I'm lacking freedom to be myself, that in a lot of things I expressed, it was like I had a barricade between myself and the rest of the world, but even then, I had a barricade between myself and...myself. That there were so many things that I hid behind, and my way of coping, avoidance being my major one, made it so that I pretty much trapped myself into a corner, both emotionally and physically.

So even though being able to trust someone and having that security was important to me and lacking, that I couldn't even trust myself and couldn't be free to be myself, even when Im the only person in the room, that was a major thing that I needed to take a look at. I really hadn't seen it that way before, and it took awhile to "get it" (I argued with her on this hah!) but once I really started to evaluate myself, I realized that she had really hit on something there.

 

[Lidia]

@Laura 2 , gosh...I am so sorry to hear that...and, again, I suspect that is how my boyfriend may feel...he keeps saying that he feels barely able to keep up with me when he is well, never mind when he is feeling down. I no longer know how to reassure him. I tried to say that we can just be silent and go for a walk or do something. But he just refuses to see me most of the time...I really want to have a relationship with him but at the moment I have practically nothing of him, as his PTSD is eating away at his days...:( People who love one another don't need performances or special displays of intelligence or affection or anything...people who really care will just want to be around us without intruding in our space. I would be happy even just seeing him fall asleep...is that too much to expect?

 

[silkleaves]

Don't take it personally @Lidia I promise you, if it was something he could help, he would probably love to just have you there and spend time together. For a bit of perspective, there are some days when kiddo wants to talk to me and tell me stuff or just hang about and I have to ask her to please just give me a few minutes... and I feel *awful* about it. I feel like the worst mom in the world when I do that... but she's used to me and will go to her room and hang out, read, go on the computer, what have you. Sometimes I break out of it right off, other times, its like we are in this little apartment for days and barely see each other at all. And that's my daughter who I live with!

And I can tell you, knowing someone who cares about you just wants to be there, and you want nothing more than to just hide, and not being able to shake that feeling makes you feel like a total disappointment..because you know you're letting that person down. If I could help it, I would never ever be in the kind of mood where I just want to be left alone, or have to ask kiddo to give me some time before she launches into telling me about her day, or to go through with plans we made to go out somewhere or anything like that. I would just do it.

Because she's grown up with it, and she knows me so well...she knows its not personal. And there are some days when she will sit on the couch with me, hug me and say "I hope you feel better!" then bounce off again right quick on to something else. So it does reassure me that shes still there for me, but not in that hovering kind of way...which really does help *a lot*

 

[Lidia]

Thank you so much for sharing, @silkleaves , this really helps me understand. I have only known him for 6 months and been with him about 4. I am only just trying to come to terms with the situation I found myself in. I want to do the right thing by him but it is so so hard, as he does not know himself what may be wrong with him. He is not able to articulate what goes on when he shuts the world out, me included. In essence, I am trying to make a diagnosis for him based on what I observe in him and linking that with what people say in this forum. I also read whatever I can put my hands on on the topic of PTSD. I want to help him but it is hard when he is trying to be on his best behaviour with me (which means I hardly ever see him). Also, unless someone knows for sure it is PTSD, it is really hard not to read this behaviour as rejection, if that makes any sense? As you say, your kid is used to it, knows how to handle you, knows not to take it personal. Very different with an adult whom you have known for 6 months only and about whom you wonder whether he is into you as he says...

 

[silkleaves]

Yeah, thats where I would have to say you either trust him when he says he is into you and wants to be with you, trust that its not personal and you are not at the center of what he is going through... or accept that its going to be a lot to handle and decide for yourself if you will be able to deal with it.

I don't see how anyone would be able to deal with me...like you say, when I go out or see someone for a short period of time, I can be on my best behavior, but then I need a lot of time to decompress afterwards. So Im of the sort who, I could have an amazing time with someone, then they dont hear from me for a week or so. Because I want them only to see me as a great person to spend time with, not the space cadet I can often be.

It takes a lot for me to trust that the person will accept me for who I am, faults and all. But for sure, if I were with someone who was analyzing, diagnosing, trying to get more out of me than I could give, I would give up and save us both the trouble. I don't want to be someone elses problem, and I also dont want to be someone elses project to solve. I hope you get the gist of what Im saying? I can understand where you are coming from, but being at the center of that would not make me comfortable at all, and would end up making me pull away even more.

 

[Lidia]

I do understand what you are saying...I don't want to push him or anything...on the opposite, I just wish he would feel that it is OK to be as he is, though you are now making me think that I am going about it the wrong way...

I certainly don't want him to be 'a project' or a responsibility of mine. I just want a companion. It would be enough for me if, when he is having a good time, we could be open about what he needs and how he wants to work things out with me. The thing I am finding hardest is being left in the dark, not knowing why he has disappeared all of a sudden. Would you say that it is fair to ask to have an open discussion about this?

 

[silkleaves]

Okay, I really have to start off by saying, I don't have any clue about your bf, what he's been through, how he's dealing with things, what he needs etc etc ..this is just my disclaimer that I am only speaking for myself and have no clue about your bf who could be on the totally opposite end of the scale! :)

But really, as I am reading this you are saying what would make you feel better..it would make you feel better if he would be open, if he would not leave you in the dark, if he would have an open discussion with you. And to be honest, I can imagine that in a regular relationship between two mentally / emotionally healthy people, it would be totally fair and reasonable to expect someone to just open up, share, communicate and do all those things. I imagine, I honestly really have no idea, it just sounds logical hah!

The truth is, at least where I'm standing, that is a *lot* of pressure. When I myself cannot even face what is going on in my head, when I can barely stand to be with myself, when I feel what I do, but can not even articulate in any coherent way what it is I'm feeling even to myself, more less to someone who has no idea at all and wants to know....that is *a lot* of pressure. And just being in that position, I would feel like I'm being set up for failure, because I'm not going to be able to pull through and give that person what they need from me. I'm not going to be able to just sit down and have an open discussion about something that I can barely make sense of.

Granted yes, I've done research, been diagnosed, therapy, meds, clinically I have the terms and some of the explanations understood...all the same, I was one of the quietest person in my group. Even here....it takes reading about someone elses situation to be able to respond and open up with how I am able to relate to it. But to just sit and look at someone who is expecting me to tell them why I didn't call back right away, why I went into hiding, why I'm not communicating or whatever other weird thing I'm doing, want to talk about it...all that would do is make it glaringly obvious how weird I'm being, its a problem, its up for discussion to talk about, and I either need to find a way to stop being a problem and hide it better or just pull away.

And that's why I said above, that I don't see how anyone would be able to put up with me. I just really don't, because of stuff like this. I don't want to get to know someone, care about them, have them care about me and I'm always letting them down, making them feel bad and having to have "the talk" over stuff I cannot help, and trying hard to sort out as it is. Just thinking about it puts me on edge...to be honest, I think the world of anyone with PTSD who can even be in a relationship.

So um..solution wise? It's not much of one to be honest, but personally, what would really help is patience. If I were ever able to be with someone who I could even trust enough to tell them I have PTSD, that already would be a big step. And from there, that they would be able to accept that its not something I can help or even explain, that if they didn't take it personally and were understanding that I need some space, some time to myself, and allow me the chance to come to them and talk to them when I'm ready to. And I don't know what to say as far as exactly what you should do...see?! This is why I'm single lol Its hard for me to even give advice on what to do because I don't clearly know. Besides patience, not making me feel like a burden or a problem to solve, but I just don't know beyond that.

After my meltdown 4 years ago, I have not been able to be with anyone. Maybe someone who actually has been able to maintain a relationship can explain it better...because I'm just a babbling brook now.

 

[Laura 2]

Yeah, the way she explained it was that I'm lacking freedom to be myself...

Gosh, yes! Thanks for elaborating, it makes so much sense.

One of the compounding problems having PTSD is that so many people shun you or try to take advantage of your vulnerability - in addition to having your world turned upside down, inside out so you no longer know how to just BE in the world any more.

So, well, I find I'm usually trying hard not to p*ss people off and pretending to be OK and hiding my disability so that a) I don't drive people away and b) so that I don't acquire another stalker (e.g. I was terrified that the abusive therapist who had some bizarre obsession with me was going to turn stalkery. What's shocked me about stalking is just how many people do it. And it apparently doesn't take much for them to start).

Your T was right. That's not freedom is it?