After Years.. It Just Never Ends.

[Venator]

It's taking a lot of my energy to write this.

I've been dealing with my PTSD OK during the past three years. Each year I had a flare up or two, a hard time dealing with anxiety and such. I was on meds for over a year and stopped them because I felt inhuman (SSRIs) now I just have Xanax.

I just graduated a very, very intense tech school program. 3 years long. Fast paced, barely any time to wipe your ass much less think about things. Or heal. I am doing better than before, technically, I'm more responsible and can handle my stress and hide my pain OK.

These past four days though have been sheer hell. Sleeping as much as I can, laying about, haven't exercised in months either, sad, suicidal ideation just because I feel so trapped by this weight and this pain. I don't know what triggered it. I just got a teaching job and now I'm training for a second job I've never done before. My dog is dying. My mother is frightfully sick and she's just in her 40s with no health insurance. She's 800 miles away. I've accepted too much freelance work on the side. I'm losing my health insurance in 15 days. None of that has to do with my trauma, right?

Is it possible just plain stress can trigger PTSD symptoms? Does it really affect the way I deal with ALL stress? Forever? I don't know. I'm in pain though.

I jsut moved away from my favorite therapist. I haven't seen him in months tho because I missed an appointment and owe him money I haven't had. I'm too scared to face him. I'm so afraid. I'm terrified to find a new one. I don't want to go to public mental health outreach programs but I may have to.

Will i need these abhorrent crutches forever? Am I subhuman?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, stress can trigger symptoms. I suggest you read up on the stress cup concept here on the forum. We will forever have fuller stress cups than everyone else.

 

[Venator]

Yes, stress can trigger symptoms. I suggest you read up on the stress cup concept here on the forum. We will forever have fuller stress cups than everyone else.

I am familiar with it but I just guess I wish it wasn't true. And when I try to explain it to other people, they see me as weak. Full of excuses and such.

Why do people understand when we have the flu but not these invisible afflictions?

 

[franciemarnie]

You have sooooo much going on now. If you didn't have PTSD, you'd be stressed intensely.

Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself. If you are overwhelmed to even contemplate it, start with one small thing - anything you can think of to begin to restore your balance and energy, or just to make you feel good, like even listening to your favorite song. That's not therapy but just being kind to yourself. It is easy to get burned out. It was for me, but I wasn't taking care of myself then.

 

[StarChild]

I just graduated a very, very intense tech school program. 3 years long.

First of all....Congrats on this Venator! It's quite a big thing! :):wideeyed::)

These past four days though have been sheer hell. Sleeping as much as I can,

For a better understanding of your situation, I'd like to ask you if "sleeping as much as you can" means some kind of escape to you, or are you simply that exhausted?

I don't know what triggered it.

Well, you mentioned quite a few reasons:

My dog is dying.

My mother is frightfully sick

She's 800 miles away.

I've accepted too much freelance work on the side

I'm losing my health insurance in 15 days.

I jsut moved away from my favorite therapist.

There's a lot on your plate right now! Don't underestimate the influence of all this on you and the way it affects even your ability to deal with it...

I jsut moved away from my favorite therapist. I haven't seen him in months

I'm too scared to face him. I'm so afraid. I'm terrified to find a new one.

Besides your fear, is there a way you could explain your situation and your fear to your former T? Maybe write a letter/mail to him?

And when I try to explain it to other people, they see me as weak.

Yes, I'm sure, many of us had and still have the same experience. It can be so annoying and also sad, that others simply don't understand, what PTSD does to us. To be honest, If I wouldn't have it myself, I doubt, I might have an understanding of it. But be assured, you're not weak at all!

And why do you have the impression, that you are subhuman?...

Just wanted to say I hear you, and you are not alone in this!

 

[DMerish]

Will i need these abhorrent crutches forever? Am I subhuman?

No, you are not subhuman. You are a human being with a condition that requires you to monitor stressors. If you learn the tools that help heal the trauma and maintain manageable stress levels, PTSD symptoms may go in remission.

P.S. Good work on completing your program!

 

[LisawithPTSD]

You definitely should feel stressed with all of that on your plate even without the PTSD. The sleeping is your body's way of trying to help you relax. Give yourself permission to do so. Give yourself permission to just say, ok, I'm under too much stress and I am just gonna veg out for a while until I calm down. Then, make a promise to yourself to walk somewhere outside each day--even if its just 10 minutes. Walk to get a cup of coffee, walk to the mailbox, whatever. Just do it once a day. What is the likelihood you can do this--on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being very likely?

 

[StarChild]

Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself

It is easy to get burned out. It was for me, but I wasn't taking care of myself then.

I totally agree with you franciemarnie. To learn to take care of oneself is absolutely necessary to keep body and soul from further damage. And it is a big step (that takes often quite an effort) to learn to love yourself.

And when I try to explain it to other people, they see me as weak.

By the way Venator,....Do you know these two threads:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/what-to-never-say-to-a-ptsd-sufferer.4993/
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/you-know-you-have-ptsd-when.8872/

They're full of truth, often written in a humorous way. And therefore have a very beneficial effect. - I find it very encouraging and relieving, to read others experiences and their special comments on these subjects!

 

[Venator]

Then, make a promise to yourself to walk somewhere outside each day--even if its just 10 minutes. Walk to get a cup of coffee, walk to the mailbox, whatever. Just do it once a day. What is the likelihood you can do this--on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being very likely?

I guess I'd put it at a 3 right now. I've felt paralyzed by some unknown force, I guess one that's entirely inside my head. I've stared at my garage door for hours feeling my body ache at the thought of moving it. Intellectually I know better, but it's amazing how this feeling is so dreadful and overwhelming to every piece of logic I can throw at it.

I am very obese. It makes everything feel worse and makes me feel worse about myself in the process.

 

[Venator]

First of all....Congrats on this Venator! It's quite a big thing! :):wideeyed::)

For a better understanding of your situation, I'd like to ask you if "sleeping as much as you can" means some kind of escape to you, or are you simply that exhausted?

Thank you for your congratulations, it was very awesome to finally complete it. Sleeping as much as I can because I feel physically exhausted and drained a lot. It's sort of a fast-forward from the pain, too. At least it is until nightmares come again.

There's a lot on your plate right now! Don't underestimate the influence of all this on you and the way it affects even your ability to deal with it...

This is the part that makes me hurt so much and feel so damaged. I've been trying to accept this for a while. I've nearly lost friends over it because 'we all have problems' The influence is strong and the second I think I've gotten out of it there it is snatching me back under.

Besides your fear, is there a way you could explain your situation and your fear to your former T? Maybe write a letter/mail to him?

Hmm.. I really should. I've wanted to e-mail him. I've had an e-mail draft sitting around for a while now but I'm scared it'll be intercepted by the secretaries and he'll never see it.

And why do you have the impression, that you are subhuman?...

Because other humans have assured me that they get along just fine and that I'm using things as a crutch.

 

[Venator]

No, you are not subhuman. You are a human being with a condition that requires you to monitor stressors. If you learn the tools that help heal the trauma and maintain manageable stress levels, PTSD symptoms may go in remission.

P.S. Good work on completing your program!

How, though? When stress just seems to happen to me? :{

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I've stared at my garage door for hours feeling my body ache at the thought of moving it. .

Then lets start smaller. Just put the garage door up. Don't go out. Take five slow, deep breaths and then close it.