Again With The Inner Child

[ladee]

Let me clarify that I am not, of course, a Dr. But it sounds like my ex. A stone cold misogynist. Many years ago I read a book called Women who Love Men who hate Women, or something like that, sorry can't remember the authors name... but it resonated so with me.. I became a different person from this..But you may also try starting a "Discussion" about this and you will get a lot more feedback and more current reading material... I wish you the best with your recovery.

 

[Teasel]

Just to say that I admire the progress you've made with this ever so much. Also that very much understand you feeling overwhelmed with all that she's bringing up for you. Think it can be a good idea to do as much of this work as you can handle at the time... so for eg just now with you feeling overwhelmed it might be worth thinking of stopping or slowing down or working on a different part of this...for a while to give you time and opportunity to deal with all the stuff that's been brought up. Maybe have a sort of conversation with inner child reassuring her that you stopping for a while doesn't mean you won't be back. Not sure I'm explaining mysrlf too well.

 

[watundah]

@Berlinda thank you so much, I do understand. I am a bit stunned by it but intrigued, as well, as who can clearly recall life as a four year, especially a tormented one? I see my therapist in the morning, thank goodness.

 

[katz]

I'm deeply sorry here.....this! This...something is making sense....

Can I ask a question?

Is this...

Hi, Panda Bear
Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I have a similar problem. I like to sit on the floor. When I realized this, I started thinking about it and realized that I have memories of sitting on the floor in all the rooms and closets of the house that I grew up in. I am an adult now--on the outside--but I am still the first person to offer my chair to anyone older then me when they walk into the room. It just "feels" better down there. I seem much calmer, I can almost feel like I'm hiding. Sound odd?

 

[watundah]

I sent of an email to the T but I am taken aback by the stories coming out of the writings. Much forgotten trauma presented by a polite, sensitive, mature child. It makes me wonder if it's all true and if the words run through an adult filter. At any rate, it is upsetting to learn how much worse things are than I remember.

 

[barefoot]

I'm fascinated to hear how revealing you are finding this work. And I really feel for you - sounds like an intense emotional experience as these new, difficult memories come up for you. I hope you're being gentle with yourself to provide some comfort for yourself at the moment.

I know your therapist was keen for you to do this work in the space with her and that you didn't want to do that. I'm wondering if it's something you could consider again now? Now that you've been doing this stuff on your own so have become a little more familiar with how it works (and now you know that it is working for you in some way, having been sceptical to start off with) - could you perhaps feel a bit more comfortable with trying to do it in her presence?

It would mean that she would be there to support you as things come up at the time as opposed to now - you remember new things, it is upsetting, you then have to either ride it out on your own until your next session or drop her an email (does she reply to the emails you send?) If you can get beyond the discomfort/self-consciousness of doing it with her, she may be able to lend you some valuable support so that you're not just stirring up difficult stuff to sit with on your own for a few days (even if you choose not to share a whole lot of content with her at the time - her presence and the fact that she is there in person if you need her may be reassuring for you?)

It sounds like you've really gone at this, which is great - especially considering your initial scepticism. I think you're really gutsy :-) But I just wanted to check - is this all feeling manageable to you at the moment or is it starting to feel too much? Because another option would be to apply the brakes for a bit and focus on processing what's already come up instead of continuing to stir up more new info?

You really inspire me with your determination to get stuck in with this work
:-)

 

[watundah]

I have had a bit of a head spin from it all and a total of three "conversations, only one this week. My response from the T yesterday was that if the stories are not "true", they are symbolic or metaphoric. I am trying to remind myself that memory is not perfect and perhaps several things become glommed into one, and maybe the words are representative rather than exact. But then again, is it not so that our subconscious mind remembers everything? I sit with my analytical mind and tend toward dissecting all of this versus embracing the value of the exercise! Anyway, we are to discuss that part in more detail.

Part of me does want to ditch it as it is churning a lot of pain. One of the expectations is to develop a relationship with the inner child and show up consistently so more than once a week in the therapist's office. It is a tough combination of feeling the pain and curious about what she's going to come up with next! One of the therapist's suggestions is that I ask her what makes her feel safe. That may be a big tell for me and something I can use in session.

In the end, I see the value in releasing the psychic pain that I've been carrying all of these years and replacing it with self love. It's kind of like reliving it all to get there but as T reminds me, the pain I feel now is never as bad as the pain I felt then. Now I am not sure that that's a comfort, if you know what I mean.

 

[barefoot]

Yes, I do absolutely know what you mean. My therapist says a similar thing -'The worst has already happened.' I think it's supposed to make me feel safe and to know that whatever comes up now, it will be manageable. It sort of does...

I tend to sit and dissect/analyse too - not always helpful! And not always possible - I've got very frustrated on many occasions with the whole 'unconscious material' thing. How can I make sense of it if I'm not conscious of it?! And how do we even know it's there if I'm not conscious of it?! Gah! It drives me nuts to not be able to have that clarity and certainty and knowing

I think you're right in that everything is stored there in our subconscious - but not necessarily in a neatly ordered, accurately detailed way - hence I think your therapist's explanation that some memories (particularly older memories and trauma related memories) may be metaphorical, mashed together, in the wrong order etc.

I like your therapist's suggestion to ask your inner child what makes her feel safe. Sounds like that could be of real value to you and something you can really work with. And perhaps that might ease off some of the intensity/upset you're experiencing at the moment as it shifts the focus from sitting with painful past memories/experiences to looking at what she needs/increasing her feelings of safety...?

 

[makibrd]

@Panda Bear, I think "parts" theory is different than inner child work, but we used...

His book Homecoming is pretty good

 

[katz]

I sent of an email to the T but I am taken aback by the stories coming out of the writings. Much forgo...

watundah,
When you mentioned the word "filter" it made me remember something to share with you. I was at a therapist office once with my husband and the T asked me how something feels. I knew the answer to the question, but had no words. I asked her to wait for a moment and I could actually "feel" or "detect" the feeling going thru a filter--like the child waiting for the adult to find the correct word.
It was a very enlightening experience. I think that some of my memories are when I was so young that I didn't have a word to describe what it was that I was feeling. So the "grown up" had to check on it and then look it up and find it for me.

 

[Panda Bear]

I think filtering is normal....for us....at least for me. Sadly.

It's often that I will run my feelings or thoughts threw a series of 'filters' in order to make them less than they really are...or to make them satisfy the needs or another person. In my case, my mom. I had to digest and protect my self from her retribution should I say or feel something that might upset her or cause her to freak out/hurt me. I tend to use others as a gauge to see how safe it is to expose those thoughts or feelings. Like I did growing up, unfortunately my little self never got anything out as it ALL cause pain and abuse.

Sometimes the younger child in me will spill feelings and memories in very unhealthy ways. T is the one who often gets the overflow of my younger self having a temper tantrum. Usually me pitching a fit over a small infraction that appears to hurt, almost as if he smacked me to the ground. At which he reminds me that 1...he is not my mother, I am safe 2....He has never physically touched me and would never hurt me that way 3... It's okay to be hurt and upset, but I'm not that little girl anymore and I can work through this issue with out having a tantrum.

But for a while he let me have that little girl tantrum until I was able to utilize the skills he taught me to express self. Not so much anymore :)

 

[watundah]

Isn't it interesting to see how they poke their heads in in ways we learn to recognize? I am with you on the never letting out feelings as a child..now it is seeping out in my writing. I wish I could do some anger. I seem to have bypassed it for grief and sadness.