Agoraphobia And Ptsd. Help?

[xanabilify]

I have to go to work with my mum in the morning and I have to leave the house at half 8. 
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at 11am and an appointment with my crisis team worker at 2pm. 
So that means I’m going to be out of my house all f*cking day and I’m honestly so scared because my PTSD has been so bad lately and all I do is cry and get angry and shake and I haven’t left my house in months. No exaggeration.

I'm so scared of being attacked.

I’m so scared of freaking out in public and having everyone stare at me. 

I’m so scared of showing the world how obese and ugly I am.

I’m so scared because I dissociate REALLY badly when I step outside and nothing is real and I want to fall over and I just really want to die right now.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.
I’ve tried every coping mechanism ever and nothing works.

I’m currently crying and panicking and drowning myself in strawberry laces. I’m already terrified about it and I’m at home in my bed. How the f*ck is that even fair.

 

[Tympre]

I get very anxious about leaving my home. I work 5 days a week, and luckily have not lost my job as of yet. But then I cant just call in sick either as I am military. I have had a few days off due to the holidays and I find its always worse after a extended period in my safe zone. Today I have been very anxious and knowing I go to work tomorrow is only adding to it. I usually have the strong urge to run from my front door to my vehicle and lock the doors once I am in the vehicle. Then I have established routes I drive at set times so as to avoid traffic. Once I get to work then the battle to maintain my bearing overwhelms the anxiety of being out of my safe zone. I have not found a coping mechanism that works and I am looking at separation this coming summer because of this. I find most of my days are dream like, long and very fast. I dont find this fair. I often wonder who I pissed off cosmically to deserve this. In the end I have to force myself to acknowledge its not my fault. And the chances of someone actually attacking me are a slim percentage. I find playing the odds or focusing on the percentile chances of things helps manage my anxiety. Not enough to hide things or to be able to form and keep healthy relationships outside of my safe zone, but it does make it manageable when I am alone.

 

[I'll make tea]

Thanks for sharing. My Vet dislikes crowded places, did not really tell me why. He also sometimes suddenly starts hating a place and I have no idea why, dragged me out of cafes. There is a place we both planned to go, but we never went. He always called it off the last minute, sometimes I had already dressed our son. One time we drove there, five minute before we arrived he changed his mind.

I used to be really mad at him. People have told me his behaviour was "passive agressive" and I was about to believe it... but now that talked to a number of spouses + I understand more about Vets I ain't mad any more.

I just wished somebody had explained to me earlier.