General Alcohol Dependency And PTSD

[cynelena]

I'm still pretty new to the forum. I'm here as a Carer. I have a BF of a few months that suffers from PTSD. He was very upfront about it from the very beginning and I've made great efforts to learn about what PTSD is and how it effects him. I think I've learned more on this forum than any of the books or other sites I've found!

One thing I've not seen a lot of here is talk of PTSD Sufferers and alcohol dependency. Yes, I see the Informational section, but not a lot of candid talk about those that are dealing with it right now. Is that taboo here? Is alcoholism still the "white elephant" in the room?

I ask because of my current situation. I was married to someone that was an alcoholic for 10yrs and the alcohol abuse was one of the big reasons I left him. Well, 6 mos after separating from my husband I met my now current BF. Up until about a week ago, I had NO idea that my BF was self medicating with booze. He managed to keep it under wraps fairly well as we didn't see each other every day at first and when we did see each other we were going out to dinner and venues where social drinking wasn't a big thing. Looking back I guess I did see more signs than I am admitting, but didn't want to believe that I could have gone straight from one alcoholic to another after all I've been through! Uhhhhhhhhhggg:wall:

We've now had two very real converstations about his drinking and the fact that I can NOT handle another relationship that involves alcohol dependancy. He says that he never felt that he had enough reason to want to try and control his drinking and after losing his wife, then a girlfriend, & almost his kids...he knows that he doesn't want to jeapordize losing me too (his words, not mine). I know 1st hand that actions speak louder than words and only time will tell if he can really keep his drinking under control. We talked about finding other outlets to dealing with his anxiety and stress. We talked about opening the lines of communication when he's feeling the need/want to drink.

My question is: who out there has PTSD and is also self medicating? who else is involved with someone that has PTSD and is self medicating? does anyone have any suggestions in dealing with it? is actual treatment the only way to overcome it?

I've read different opinions on how to deal with it. I've read in some places that you should have separate treatment for alchohol dependance versus encompassing it into your PTSD/ personal therapy. Any feedback anyone can offer is greatly appreciated.

Taking it all day by day,
Cynthia

 

[Shoka]

Dear Cynelena

You raise a tough but important topic.During the past 16 months, I've watched at times with concern as my BF sometimes seems to turn to a "few beers" to relax. I too, am not comfortable in choosing a relationship with someone that has an addiction problem.

Initially my BF's therapists told him to stay away from alcohol especially while he was doing EMDR on a weekly basis. He was okay with that, and did follow his therapists instructions.

I come from and alcoholic family, and so does he. When I see him night after night having to have 2-3 beers in order to relax, there's a little red flag that waves around in my conscious. I think that at times many adults do self medicate and that doesn't make them alcoholics, and so I think the same is probably true of folks with PTSD. It's hard not to get nervous about it because of my past experiences with people I love who are alcoholics. Were you ever involved in any of the AL-Anon programs or CODA groups? Perhaps you might consider going to an Al-Anon meeting to air your concerns about the alcohol use, and see what strength you find there?

Is your BF in therapy for PTSD? Has he officially been diagnosed? I think that combining heavy or abusive alcohol use with someone who has untreated PTSD is a mixer of disaster.

Because of my past relationships with various alcoholics in my life, I stay in touch with an Al-anon or a CODA 12 Step principles. Alcoholism and the effects of it on my life, feelings and sometimes my behaviours will probably be with me for life. The way I see it, I have to stay up with those priniciples because alcoholism affects way more than the alcoholic. Incidentally though, I've found alot of use from some of those principles in dealing with my sufferer. Some of the old slogans like "One Day at a Time" and "First things First" and "To thine own self be true" help me as a carer more often than not.

Good luck, and keep searching for answers!

Shoka

 

[cynelena]

Shoka,

Your response and insight is greatly appreciated. What you said about "adults self medicating and it not making them alcoholics" really resonated with me. It's a fine line and I guess it's easier for me to put him on the category of alcoholic just because of my recent experience. He assures me that he didn't have any issues with alcohol before he served his two tours in Iraq. (Marine/ Infantry)

I do think that AL-Anon is something I should look into. I thought about going when I was with my ex, but started regular therapy instead. I can't say that I've ever heard of CODA, but will be sure to look it up. Thanks!

To answer another question: Yes, my BF has been officially diagnosed with PTSD. 2 yrs ago after a hospitalization. He currently sees an individual therapist, attends group meetings, and is doing the EMDR treatment. You mentioned that your BF was instructed to not drink while going through the EMDR treatment. Does it reduce the effectiveness or is it just bad in general? (Just curious)

Thank you again for sharing. Kind people like youself that are willing to share their stories and help one another through all this is exactly why I come to this forum daily. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Shoka]

Cynelena,

I think that my BF's therapists recommended the no alcohol while EMDR because he was having very strong reactions to EMDR. In the beginning, it was dreadful. He'd almost always come back from those sessions really "undone". He would trigger at the slightest thing. Then as time went on, the EMDR made him feel sad and depressed. I'm sure everyone reacts differently to EMDR. I have done EMDR myself and wouldn't have even thought to drink after it because I felt like a wet noodle after each session- totally drained. But everyone is different and I observed changes in my BF as time went on, the EMDR got easier for him. In the beginning it energized him and left him more stressed, in the middle it made him depressed, and now I think it gives him great insight to himself.

CODA stands for Codependents Anonymous. Check it out for sure, especially if you find yourself repeating certain unsatisfactory relationship patterns. It might not be your thing at all, but you'll never know unless you try. Same thing with Al-Anon. There's alot of serenity amongst people who really use and trust the "program". I've personally seen it work miracles in my life.

This forum is a wonderful place and we all have something to give and share!

Shoka

 

[sp607]

Cynelena,
I wish that I had some 'tip' to magically help you, my heart goes out to you. I myself is a carerer of a sufferer of PTSD. My husband is/was in law enforcement and for police officers it is popular to drink, I just thought it was the social acceptence of that crowd.
But I soon noticed that he started letting his morals of drinking slip and addressed the issue and he said that just having a few drinks wasn't wrong and that it helped him relax. That was five years ago. Now he still drinks to relax but also to sleep and drown out his stress. I'm so confused if he has a real addiction or just likes it too much.
He got drunk a few weeks ago and felt really bad, mixed it with Lexapro and it made him really sick. After that he seemed to come to reality of his drinking and said he wasn't going to drink any more, that he realized he had a problem. Then a few days later he said he was only going to drink 1/2 only in social situations. Then last week we were on vacation and undera A LOT of stress (yes, vacation was stressful) and he looked me straight in the eye and said he didn't care if he was drinking, that in fact he was using alcohol to destress. So I guess we're back to square one.
There is my story with my sufferer and his alcohol use. The only reason I shared my experience with you is so you know that you ARE NOT ALONE. That helps me to know there are other carerers on here that are going throught the same siuations.
And as other people have told you, you have to take care of yourself first before you take care of others.

Take care,

SP607

 

[Dylan]

Wellllll, I'm going to assume I saw this post for a reason. I never come to the "Carers" section, but voila. If you want to hear from PTSD folks themselves you may want to pose the question on the PTSD board (from your question it sounded like you do).

Yes, I medicate with alcohol.

I believe that when the brain suffers an incredible stress and can't naturally move itself back to homeostasis, or balance, it begins to turn from the "harder to get" eudonic rewards and starts looking toward hedonic rewards. For me, that's what alcohol is: a way to 'bring myself down' because it's so very difficult to do, otherwise.

The things that help me are: yoga, vigorous/consistent exercise, meditation, a spiritual practice/belief, and support, support, support. And, still, at the end of the day the relief is not as quick or strong as it is with alcohol. BUT, when I really "nail it", really nail what I need to do to get that relief, it is so incredibly rewarding and....enlivening. It's worth it. But on the far side of that experience, alcohol is so very attractive as a self-medicating method.

I don't believe, as they teach in Alcoholics Anonymous, that alcoholism is an allergy; I believe it's just extremely strong wiring: "I feel "x" = drink alcohol" has been practiced over and over and over and the problem is that it works so WELL and so FAST. Eudonic rewards - natural rewards - like relating and yoga all take TIME and a lot more effort. That's why rewiring to the more natural rewards takes so dang much support (and what do PTSD people so often want to do? ISOLATE.).

Doing battle against the brain's natural, and HEALTHY, desire to reduce stress on itself doesn't work by itself. I need to turn down the desire/the need for that kind of relief through things that work for me, and adopting a lifestyle that minimizes stress.

One thing you said that was a red flag for me: "We talked about opening the lines of communication when he's feeling the need/want to drink"
While loving connection is a huge "volume reducer" on the desire to drink, I believe it's your BF's responsibility to put the support in place that he needs and if YOU'RE all he has, it's not only unfair to you, it's NOT ENOUGH (to turn down the volume of the desire to a manageable level).

I am currently analyzing ALL areas of my life to reduce my need to drink and I may well end up back in AA. I have used Antabuse in the past successfully simply because it takes away alcohol as an option and I'm then forced to be more resourceful to find other ways to ease that chronic inner tension, fatigue, hypervigilance, etc.

HTH....

-Dylan

 

[ISupportHer]

No news probably. It's not just the sufferers that self medicate.

 

[Nicolette]

The biggest problem with a PTSD Sufferer self medicating with alcohol is that alcohol is a depressant so the short term effects don't help the overall situation. I spoke to a doctor and his opinion was it was better to take valium than drink alcohol even though both are addictive.

Valium has the calming effect where as alcohol has a (sometimes) calming effect but it also adds avoidance to the mix if the Sufferer is getting drunk.

From a Carers point of view valium does not generally change the nature of the person whereas alcohol can.

 

[Dylan]

Another point dawned on me last night that I wanted to add: I think Al-Anon is a good idea, too. I think there is a danger (for a partner of a PTSDer and/or of a person who self-medicates) of merging: "I need to make you better" as well as "I know what you need to do". That puts the relationship in a one-up/one-down position which isn't healthy. For myself, I tend to bristle when my partner obsesses over me - what I do/don't do, questioning me - it's like a constant psychic shirttail tugging; I end up feeling like I'm HER addiction, that she's focusing on me so she doesn't have to deal with their own stuff...

Also, reading Nicolette's post about tranquilizers: I did try tranquilizers at one point (reluctantly, because they are so highly addictive AND I attenuate so quickly and their efficacy takes a dive within a few doses) and had to quit because I became extremely suicidal. The doc's theory was that, underneath all that anxiety was a monster depression that we didn't know was there; the anxiety masked it, and once the anxiety wasn't there, giving me energy to go on, the depression nearly pulled me under in a matter of days. Just a word of caution...

-Dylan

 

[amethist]

I keep reading about self medicating with alcohol, and every time I read them it reminds me of how quickly my husband went from a few drinks to make him feel better ( because his doctor did not take him seriously at the time ), to being an alcoholic and ending up in detox before it either killed him, he killed himself or resulted in severe brain damage. He was by this time drinking 24/7 just to keep going.

From start to finish 5 months, yes that's what I said 5 short months.

It has now been 15 months since he did the 10 day detox. OK he has had 4 hiccups since then but they only lasted a couple of hours and the after effects made him feel worse than the reasons for having a drink.

Today he is having a bad day and I have had to cancel his therapy appointment. He did think about going to get some drink but thought about the following and this is what he told me.

1 How it would make him feel for the first mouthful.
2 How sick he would be after that first mouthful.
3 How bad he would feel later once he had got past the first 2 points.
4 How ill he would feel tomorrow with a hangover.
5 How hurt I would be if he did have a drink.
6 How upset he would be for hurting me after all I do to help him.
7 How he would feel after getting this far and drinking again when all he needed was
someone to talk to, which was me when I got home.
8 Feeling so much better for having a cup of tea instead of giving in to temptation
and suffering all of the above. Then going to bed with his aroma therapy and
Sleeping until he felt calmer and no more ideas of drink for today.

I know it is not easy, but if you work at it you can get through it.

Amethist

 

[cynelena]

I can not express how much I appreciate all the honest feedback and support that I have received here from this post. It has given me an additional inner strength to really push forward in my plans to take care of me. In between separating from my ex-husband and meeting my current BF, I made a commitment to myself to take care of me and to FINALLY make my own well being a priority for once. (Yes, I tend to always be the carer...it's what I do)

Interestingly enough, my BF and I had a serious talk about our relationship last night and I shared my concerns and explained that I WILL take care of me first. I told him that I will be there for him during these difficult times, but I also explained that I know my limits and the alcohol issues are just not something that I can or want to deal with. He has said that he wants to get it under control and that he knows it's an issue, so I don't feel that I'm being harse at all about it. Before we started talking about "us" last night, he was really triggered by something and asked if he could have a beer (I had two left over from a BBQ from a few weeks before). I simply told him no and that we were not going to do that....he didn't put up a fight, he didn't push the issue, & we ended up talking through his episode. Well, he talked mostly. I find that it does him better if I just sit and listen while resting my hand on his arm or shoulder.

sp607-My heart goes out to you as well. I know how emotionally confusing it can be to want to cut your husband some slack because of his condition, but then feel in your own heart that his behavior is just wrong. I'm curious, are you, or have you ever seen a therapist to help get through this? I am a BIG advocate of therapy and I personally started about 5mos ago and it's amazing what is can do for the confused soul. Obviously it doesn't alleviate all of the confusion, but that along with this forum...I feel stronger and more able to tackle these challenges as they arise.

Dylan-I am equally glad that you decided to venture to the Carer side! Your frankness and story give me hope that there is at least a "path" to take to getting better for him. I know it's hard and I know that it's often easier to give in to the additiction, but with the right amount of desire to get better...there is hope. Good luck in your recovery by the way:-) Thank you.

Nicollette-I'm not sure if he's ever taken Valium, but then again, the drinking hasn't always been an issue. I am going mention that to him to discuss with his doctor. I appreciate the suggestion. You are absolutely correct about the alcohol being a depressant. It defeats the purpose of all the other things he's trying to do to get better (i.e. therapy, meds, and such). So frustrating sometimes:wall:

Amethist-I am so sorry to hear that your husband is having such a hard day. What a road he has travelled! I do hope that he can pull through. I am impressed that he is going through such a thought process in deciding if he wants to give in to the drink. That's progress and we all know it's a day by day thing. Hang in there. I wish you and your husband a victorious day against the monster that alcohol is!

ISupportHer-You are correct. From the time I was 18 until the time I was 23 (I'm 34 now), I was wasted the ENTIRE time. Booze, drugs, whatever I could get my hands on. I am very blessed that it did not consume the rest of my life. Everyone handles stress and trauma differently and having been on both sides of the fence (I am an sexual abuse victim), I count my blessings every day that I was able to overcome using.

I wish you all a wonderful day:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Carolina]

Hi Cynelena!

Great to hear you're getting a positive response from your boyfriend, that's already a massive step. My boyfriend suffers from PTSD and self-medicates with alcohol. However, he holds his liquor incredibly well so it's not always easy to detect and I worry I haven't yet realized the extent of the problem.

I think your approach is the right one. You need to put yourself first, and it especially makes sense to do so since you cannot stop drinking for him. He needs to do the work and you can only be there to help.

I hope things keep improving for you. Just remember that PTSD will at some point rear its ugly head and try to throw things back into the state they were in, and that's when you'll really feel like you need to leave... But if you're ready for it, you can do it!

Good luck and take care of yourself.