General Alcohol Dependency And PTSD

[cynelena]

Carolina-

You have no idea how your words rang true for me this weekend. My BF had a REALLY bad night Saturday night and I can all but keep myself from running! I'm trying to think with a clear head and come up with what I want to do before I address anything else with him.

Just a quick recap...we had two weddings to attend this past weekend and before we went out I went to chat with his sister (she lives just across the street) and she opened up to me that she is really concerned that he (my BF) was about to spiral out of control and she would understand if I wanted out. Everything was very heartfelft and she told me some things about his drinking that I had to clue about. While most of the stuff she told me had happened before we started dating, I learned that he had lied to me about several "occurances" that were because of booze and not meds like he had told me. I have been blind to how out of control his drinking is...until now.

We stayed out waaaaay too late Saturday and he drank waaaaay too much. I recommended we go home a few times, but he was in good spirits and seemed to be doing OK, until my best friend's husband set him off (and not at all purposely). He stood up and said let's go and he stormed out of the bar we were at. He then proceeded to threaten to take my friend's head off and yelled at me for about a half hour. He paced up and down the street yelling and cursing. The street we were on was a very busy place with lots or bars and restaurants and people were stopping and staring and yelling at him to back off and chill out. It was horrible. I saw the devil in his eyes. I don't know what kept him from going back into the bar and killing my friend. Really. I know I haven't given a lot of detail, but I'm trying to keep it together right now...

Eventually we made it back to his house, he calmed down and sobered up a bit and then we talked for a few hours. The talk was not enough for me. He proceeded to tell me that he was indeed an alcoholic and had taken a shot in the past that kept him from drinking because it made him sick and curbed the craving. He apologized a hundred times. He said he doesn't want to lose me. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. It's just not enough for me.

I know 100% that I can deal with the PTSD, but I can NOT deal with the alcoholism on top of the PTSD. I can not deal with the angry/ violent side of him that was brought on by his over drinking. I talked to his sister again on Sunday for just a bit and told her what had happened. Based on my conversation with her and what I've seen so far, I don't think that he's aggressive or violent by nature or when he's not drinking. I saw a side of him that I can not deal with. Even though I didn't think that he would hurt me in any way, I knew he would hurt my friend if he got his hands on him. I can't live like that and I will not give up my friends that are good people that love me and are like family.

I'm in the process of writing my BF a letter that I intend to give to him in person explaining how I feel and letting him know that I will stand by him if he chooses to get treatment and if he can be honest with me going forward. He knows that I just got out of a marriage with an alcoholic. He had stopped dating for a year and a half before meeting me. He should have waited longer if he wasn't ready. I feel that he should not have pursued a romantic relationship with me like he did knowing what I've been through. It was selfish and now I'm in love with him...

Sorry for the ramble. I'm just so upset and angry. Angry that I've become a part of his children's lives and him a part of mine. This is so damn unfair to them! I will keep you all posted, but it will likely be a few days before I post again. Please pray for me, my BF, and our families.

Cynthia

 

[Carolina]

Dear Cynthia,

I'm so sorry to hear things went so wrong for you this weekend. I think it's very honorable of you to admit your limits. It's important to keep this wall firmly in place or your own well-being will suffer from it.

I think you're doing the right thing writing this letter. It may also help your BF focus on a particular side of his behavior rather than the overwhelming lot that is his entire PTSD. Curbing only one behavior is already a massive step.

I hope you get the answers you need from him. Keep us updated and take care of yourself.

Caro

 

[Shoka]

Cynelena,

I'm so sorry for your horrible weekend. It sounds really dreadful and scary. You must be terribly disappointed to find out about the alcoholism as I know some of your earlier posts said you could tolerate all of it but that. The violent part of the night must have been so frightening.

Hopefully there will never be a next time, but one thing you can always do is remove yourself from a potential bad situation even if he refuses not to leave. It sounds like you saw the warning signs and tried to stop the onset of a worse incident, which ended up happening. Your instincts were right the first time you suggested leaving.

I'd say that taking some time for yourself and processing your feelings first (before handing him a letter or anything else) is the most important thing to do. Consider re-reading your own post. Sounds to me like your boundaries are right there.

And that Al-Alon meeting? Can't hurt.

Please take care of your needs first.

Shoka

 

[cynelena]

Shoka-

I can't sleep, I'm having nightmares. I feel just like I did during the last few years of my marriage. The biggest difference though is that my ex and I had ZERO communication between us. I changed a lot after we split and I know now what I have to do. (and sooner than later!)

I want to be with him, but I completely know the hold that alcohol can have on a person....love or not. I took all day and wrote him a letter yesterday, but then of course when he came over last night I didn't give it to him. I don't want to have any kind of discussion while my daughter is there, so I'm going to wait until this weekend while she's at her dad's. I'm not going to see him for the next few days anyway so this weekend will work fine. It's gonna be a looooooong week!

I am 100% committed to him and our relationship if he commits to treatment of some sort. I know that there are no guarantees, but I honestly feel that I would be acting both irresponsibly and selfishly if I stayed with him without expressing my concerns and expectations. I can NOT put my daughter through the pain of loving another alcoholic. I'm not giving him any ultimatums. I'm just letting him know my boundries and that I want a healthier relationship than what we have. He does have a choice in this...and so do I.

Uhg! I was for sure I had found my soul mate...I still think that of him, but not with the booze in tow. I talked to my therapist about CODA and
Al-Anon, but she had not heard of CODA. I went on line and found a few groups locally...woo, hoo! She's going to check around too and then we're going to swap info at my next session so I can determine which one I can/want to do.

I'll keep you posted! Thank you for the support and suggestions:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Shoka]

Cynelena,

I'm glad you have a plan. Co-Dependents Anonymous is "CODA". The only requirement for joining that group is the desire to have healthy relationships. As with everything, it's not for everyone, but it certainly has helped me over the years.

YOu don't deserve to be in another relationship with an alcoholic if that's where your boundary is. I so get it, and I have the same boundary. Coming from an alcoholic family of origin, I really do not want to choose that in a parnter.

Best wishes to you! I admire your sensibilities and your willingness to try to get the support you need in your life.

Shoka