Alcoholic Friends

[AnnaLost]

I have two friends, a married couple, who have stuck by me through a lot of crap over the last few years. I love them as much, if not more, than a goodly portion of the rest of the human population.

I'm closest with the wife, but her hubby has been a rock for me too.

Thing is, they - or at least he- is a functioning alcoholic. And sh*t hit the fan Sunday.

He went down Sunday night - they went to the hospital and was told he has a heart condition that is a precursor to stroking out. He lied to the docs about how much he drinks. They got home and he poured himself a large one. She almost lost her sh*t, but..it was late, she has her own issues and I went home.

Next morning, it happened again. This time he was taken by ambulance. I went over again, to help with their kids, and by the time they got back late in the evening, she was ready to kill him and he was as ticked off as I've ever seen. Turns out, she told the doctor the truth, and he thinks she went behind his back and betrayed him. The doc wasn't amused and told him point blank any more drinking and he has a better than 75% chance of stroking out within the next 3 months. And he had to quit smoking 3 packs a day. He's refusing anything that will help reduce the stress on his body while he detoxes, per her, but I think that's because he has no intention of quitting.

I thought what she did was incredibly courageous. They have kids, and he could die if the docs don't know the truth of what they are dealing with. Alcohol withdrawal is no joke, and the stress on his body from quitting two substances at once combined with the heart condition, he could go down, suddenly and permanently.

Another mutual friend, not an alcoholic, but someone who has known him since childhood, defended the feeling of betrayal. Said that what she did, to a man like him, is a betrayal she'll never be able to recoup, and she crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed by talking to the doc without her husband's OK.

I don't know what I'm asking here. I'm just in a very weird place. My dad died from his alcoholism, and I've lost good friends. I feel like I need to back far away from this situation for my own sanity, but I hate not being able to do anything to help. This is stirring up way too much crap.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading this far. Ugh. :cry:

 

[kona355]

Intervening like your friend did for her husband is like a double-edged sword; it cuts both ways by seeking help for the one she loves, and then angering him by trying to help. I've been in that mindset of self-destructive behavior and at the time would tell concerned friends, "It's my life. I'll do as I please with it." Selfish for sure.

'...is a betrayal she'll never be able to recoup.' This isn't necessarily the case. The best she can do is keep reminding him what she did was done out of love for him. He'll may soften.

If you act as peacemaker, take care. If the issue between them isn't resolved soon, the relationship between the three of you will turn two against one. Which two? Who knows?

 

[Zenith Astrology]

This is always my situation, like most with Venus in Pisces.

Venus is Love and relationships, and Pisces ruler Neptune is addiction and all kinds of escapes.

 

[barefoot]

What a difficult situation - and I'm sorry that you find yourself caught up in it.

Re the wife's decision to talk honestly with her husband's doctor about his drinking...I can see how he perceives that 'talking behind his back' as a betrayal. But I can also see why she did it - that she was trying to look after him and prioritise his health/well-being. That she was trying to save his life really, I think? Hopefully, they will get through this and get to a better place again in their relationship.

You care about them both and are now caught up in the messiness of what's going on in their relationship. In addition, it sounds like this whole situation around the alcoholism is stirring up powerful things for you. Maybe it's not just a black and white decision of I need to either completely back right away or I need to dive right in to it and try to help - I know I'm adding more extreme emphasis there than your own words. Perhaps it's more just - can you give yourself a little bit of distance from them at the moment, while things settle down between them and while the old stuff this has stirred up for you can also settle? Or - what can you do to help while protecting yourself and getting your own needs met?

I don't know...it's a tough one. I just get a sense that you don't want to call time on these friendships. But that you also want to take care of yourself and minimise any negative impact on you for anything this might stir up. Look after yourself.

 

[AnnaLost]

Thank you guys for the responses. It's definitely a situation that has me in full on stress mode.

I'm going to back away for now, and definitely not try and get in the middle as "peacemaker". This is their marriage, and their battle. I guess I'd just forgotten how rough addictive personalities can be to deal with, and maybe been a little blind myself to the fact that I was so close to someone who is an addict.

I feel like I'm at a critical point in my own recovery right now, and I just can't afford for my own sanity to get mixed up in this. If one or the other of them calls me for help, especially with their kids, I'll be there in a flash, but otherwise, I have to back away. Since I've already got a bit of a rep for being "out of touch" this shouldn't be too hard to pull off without offending anyone or having them feel like I've abandoned them.

 

[barefoot]

Sounds like a good call - you've got this! :-)

 

[scout86]

. My dad died from his alcoholism, and I've lost good friends. I feel like I need to back far away from this situation for my own sanity, but I hate not being able to do anything to help

If you end up in a position where you feel like you have to explain your behavior, you could share that. It's true and it's real and, who knows, it might actually get someone's attention. You sound like the kind of friend anyone should feel lucky to have!

 

[kona355]

Thank you guys for the responses. It's definitely a situation that has me in full on stress mode.

You have a good perception of the need to take care of yourself. I second barefoot: Good call -

 

[Friday]

You & the other friend, who think its a betrayal, sound like you're on the same page to me. It's not courageous to do something you're not afraid of / carries no risk.

Nope. He may never be able to forgive her, and he may well view this as the worst sort of betrayal, and should he live their marriage may be wrecked or dissolving (divorce). She knew that risk and spoke up anyway. AKA Yes. That's courageous.

Personally, I think it's all stupid. But I generally find tragedy stupid.

 

[halflifeguy]

Late to this thread, but just chiming to applaud distancing yourself from the couple... and add, for you to be aware either may reach out to you, to use you as a pawn in their battle.

Continue to take care!

 

[The Albatross]

It is easier for him to see what his wife did as a "betrayal" when what he in fact did was outright lie. Good for her. It is a deflection technique to turn the spotlight away from himself and onto his partner. A form of avoidance and denial.

 

[Chava]

Another mutual friend, not an alcoholic, but someone who has known him since childhood, defended the feeling of betrayal. Said that what she did, to a man like him, is a betrayal she'll never be able to recoup

There's no way to say how this will go, especially not from an outsider perspective (but probably not even for those close to him right now). As a sober alcoholic, I remember having raging anger towards anyone who tried to come between me and my drinking. No single human soul or relationship was more important, sadly. I'd willingly quit friendships if the friends cared about me and started hassling me about my drinking. But now sober, I have reconnected with some of the friends I lost and I can really appreciate where they were coming from.

The wife is in an incredibly tough spot. She should get herself to Al-Anon or find some other understanding support for herself through this. There might not be any way for her to get her husband to understand her actions right now. Hopefully this is his "bottom" but if he's never thought of his drinking as a problem or tried to quit before, it might be ugly (usually easier if there have been several quit attempts and then someone gets a big dangerous episode such as this...easier to finally admit defeat). In patient treatment would be the #1 option, I'd think, but sounds like he's completely unreasonable. He's under major stress and being asked to simultaneously give up his coping methods. He has good reason to be really f*cking scared and pissed off. It doesn't excuse anything really, but it's just a very hard spot for both of them.

Hopefully he accepts more help before destroying his life. Alcoholics can definitely kill themselves. But he probably can't be guilted or persuaded or pushed much (based on what I know of alcoholics and how resistant he sounds right now). He has to actually get super f*cking scared on his own. I'm not sure, but if the wife is pushing him too much, it might not help at all (why I'm suggesting Al-Anon as a way to talk through some of this with other supporters of alcoholics). He will be pissed off at wife for now, but hopefully a doctor is helping him paint a picture of his reality in his head. It might be meaningless though, or not sensed in logical way, if he can't safely dry out. Addiction is so cruel.