many of you on this site have given me great compliments on public post and private messages , , , For this I thank you all for the well meening words . you all know who you are .
I was going to start a diary . But see no reason why I would not post part of what happened to me hear on this post . since you can maybe see how and why I may have so many Questions and very few answers . the exception being the healing that come through communication with your fellow man and there kind help in return . so hear is a long /but really short of my first 23 years of live
I grew up with an alcoholic Dad , He was still a good man .I am the youngest of 5 children . born in the mid 50's , that says alot in it self . I love beer right from the start , Maybe just because it was always around or just because very one drank it . duz not matter really . no surprise I turned into an alcoholic quickly . with all the remifications building up thru the years .
This is just a bit of back ground for sarters . now hear is the start of the question . were duz PTSD really start ,duz it matter were it starts , and are there any answers , or are there just many answers .
Anthony and I have had a little bit of a disagreement on when my PTSD may have started . that being said . It really duz not matter . :think: think all you want about the chicken and the egg . who won that argument?
I was a very active kid , so lots of things happened . shrinks now-a-days would call them traumatic events . I got to calling those events luck !? :dontknow:
Many people would say if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all .
I was hit full swing with a base ball bat in the forehead , a big piece of steel would fall and hit me on the top of the head and I would get many big cuts My Dad would play medic on me many times ,, my family would hold me down while Dad would clear the wound and stich me up , Dad would say bite down hard on what ever hr stock in me mouth ,,, we couldn't afford to go to the hospital .
Then there was that time when I had a home made bomb up in my pocket ,I was 14years old . that's when I got my 1st 2nd + 3rd degree burns over 1/3 of my mid-section ,I was left in one piece , just got some great scars . walked into the hospilat with a pair of undies my freinds Mom gave me. Bleeding form many places , my Dad brought me to the hospital , I got instant attention as we entered the ER and was hit with a needle that put me under for three days ,,, that is also why I was never scared of needles ,they took away the pain . things like that happening is also why people like me and maybe you look at pain as a normal thing .
I was told by a doctor years later pain is not normal . I'm not screeming at you , thats the way the doc put it to me ...
when I talk about stuff like this every thing comes forward and takes my breath away at times and brings a tear to my eye .
In 1972 I would join the Army I had just been dumped by my first love , because of Buzz . I volenteered for Viet Nam, became an Airborne Ranger , but they stopped sending Rangers over there by time I finished training . we got banged up lot during manovers any way and would just drive on , more of the grin and bare it stuff . just forget the pain .
In 1975 on my birthday , I was home on leave from the Army {A.co. 75th Rangers}{look that up}
was drunk drivind and hit a telephone pole with an old 1968 chevy-van . {look that stile van up , no protection up front} I should not have survived , But God duz have a sence of humor !...!. he let me survive for another reason !!
I do not believe God tests me , I believe life is challageing and we develope our carrictor faceing these obsticals
well I broke my right tibular and fibular just above my ankle , crushed my right foot , parallized my right arm , blinded my right eye { ate the tele- pole} 168 stiches in my face ,
in a coma for 4 days . I remember waking up on the 7th day.
this is why I don't do this very often , takes way to long . I flunked typing .LOL
Plus there is just to much to say . so taking a brake ...
I was in that hospital so long the Army had me down for AWOL , till they talked to my Mom.
Then the Army wanted the civi hospital to release me the civi hsopital said when I was stable . . the civi's found gang green in my right leg . they started to cut it out with out any meds . I was OK with that cuz there was about ten beatiful students watching and me in a junny bare assed . . then the doc started to get to the live meat on the back of my calf , well I told him in no unsertain term this proseeger was done till he gave me meds .
Well shortly after the Army got me back and put a skin grafe over the gang gree site , then sent me Home on medical leave . no charges were ever filed because of cops I grew up with fixed the police report .
when I was home on leave I was hoping down our porch stairs on my good leg and missed a step !!!!!! landed on my full casted right leg with all my weight . I saw Stars ,just like Roger Rabbit . my Dad was on the porch and saw the whole thing , He said you all right boy. Isaid no , get a wet towel and a cold beer , I was clinging to conchanceness when Mon threw a soaked towel over my shoulders , that was a shock , but I drank the beer and gritted my teeth till the pain subcided. never reported it to the Army , , , maybe that is why my leg is crooked and deflected ,,,, long before this pysical pain was just some thing to get over , walk it out , be a man work through it Boy .
Medical leave after medical leave and I was finaly ready for rehab . Army Doc had a sence of humor to . they say no pain no gain . so they did what they did to rehab me . I became num to pain .
while I was in the Army Hospital I met and fell in love with an Ex-ray teck Named Donna Wilzinsky .{ this is a hard thing to write }
My state of mind was altered from the Coma , I was still trying to regain memory of the past , but I still fell in love . I was messing with drugs for a while till Donna cought me . . I stoped all drinking and druggin for Donna . but I had already gotten busted by the Army for three federal offences . Donna didn't care about this she loved me too . I would go to prison in Leavenworth Kansas she would stick with me . . .I got out and we got back together for a while , but the Army shipped her away , , we would talk and write . she was shipped again to the Hospital at Leavenworth kansas were she was raped and murdured ,Her baby Treasa in the next room . I got the news from Donna's Mom ,,,,,,,,,, thats when I shut down ,,,,thats when I started Drinking with a vengence . My Mon would tell me years later , She saw me change that day .........
Now how can I convay what I felt that day { with tears in my eyes right now }and this was 32 or so years ago . how can I tell you the pain that I still feel for Donna death or the peice that was ripped from my soul ...... I wanted to kill this man ,,,,, but walked away and drank 24-7 for the next 15 years
I got a bad conduct dichare from the Army , , , ,that would make me hate the judishal system Donna's death would make me hate the world , , ,except for a selected few .
Now there is plenty more that happened in the next 30+ years that would make me one contempuos little bastard {bad spelling }
But hear I am now partly healed in heart and soul ,, I have made pease with many things. my emotions are mine to the core . they do not go away . they just don't quite hurt so much must of the time ... I can understand much because of my expierences and have much compassion for my fellow humanbeing .
there are many in hear my heart and well wishing thoughts go out to with all your strugles.... but there is always hope . . . I hope I have conveyed that fact in this peice of my life I share with you .
there will be many more {as you say tramatic things that will be revieled later that would ferther destoy my thoughts toward mankind }. but that is a good start towards letting you in on a bit of my life .
Best wishes to you all . fight the good fight towadr healing
Beatle Bailey
