All sex is about power

[grit]

@somerandomguy
I want to say couple things for you and for me.
First I am so happy you realize that u were triggered and hope you made the connection how sophisticated that trigger is. Think about it for a second what that may look like before the internet? Triggers are darn little smart asses that adapt to whatever we are doing as a society.
Where in the world could anonymously express a trigger of thus magnitude before internet? I think booze or drugs or a fight or isolation. Would have been the tradional escapes.

So I note that because my next comment is extension of this.

Just as you used this forum as a safe place to express a trigger thought. And probably subconsciously, I will add others including were also triggered by

I want to say couple things for you and for me.
First I am so happy you realize that u were triggered and hope you made the connection how sophisticated that trigger is. Think about it for a second what that may look like before the internet? Triggers are darn little smart asses that adapt to whatever we are doing as a society.
Where in the world could you anonymously express a trigger of this magnitude before internet? I think booze or drugs or a fight or isolation would have been the traditional escapes.

So I note that because my next comment is extension of this.

Just as you used this forum as a safe place to express a trigger thought, probably subconsciously; I will add others including me were also triggered by your comment and tried to stop it so we could all soothe ourselves. But because some of us, at least me, were not aware of our own trigger, we were focused on you TO STOP reminding us of the pain related to when sex is used as a weapon. We were using logic and brain power to combat a feeling.

Speaking for me only, I did not realize you were triggered because if I knew that my responses would be so much about me but recognizing another human fellow suffering not so much about me trying to cover my own trigger around your comments.

Thank you for your grace, openness, and generosity in spirit. I do learn a lot from here and this post and its conclusion was a great lesson.

Sorry bad English typing on cell with one finger. (I made some correction). I am sorry of reposting.

 

[Freida]

I got majorly triggered on Saturday, so various parts of me thought it would be useful and enlightening to argue with some nice folks on a message board. They were wrong. Now I'm re-regulated and unblended and this is how I feel: :facepalm:

Its OK - we still love ya! :hug: :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

It was a well sculpted and eloquent reaction to your trigger SRG even if you had to scrap it... You are still adored :)

 

[littleoc]

That’s true!

 

[intothelight]

Sex is far too complex and far too individual to be about any one thing. It is many things and even for the individual a different expression/meaning at different times. There are people who express power through sexual acts. Rape is an act that is all about power and really has little if anything to do with sex.

Just my opinion.

 

[Renestel]

I think something really pretty is going on here at the end and I want to make sure everyone including myself takes a tidbit of it-- I think with this website while we all know we are here as sufferers of some general sort, maybe we still need to communicate with this support group just as we do the outside public. Loved ones, family, friends, therapists even. We need to say hey, I'm triggered right now. @SRG, you kind of hacked my head off a bit at a tangent thread I wrote a while ago. My husband was kind of being an a hole that day and it triggered me. So I should have SAID that. The whole room changed when you said hey Im triggered in this convo here and while everyone should give you their helpful opinion, it helps everyone SO much to know hey I'm kind of spiraling right now, or I'm just reflecting/exhausting my feelings. This is such an amazing place for people with PTSD to throw ideas/opinons or even blaH I've gotta get this out tangents around and not be given the look of god, you're crazy. But maybe we need to all put something in our pocket--even with that safety belt, it helps telling others hey this is where I'm coming from intro to our threads.

 

[Hooper]

SRG,
I am coming to the conversation late but the title intrigued me. I know we have crossed paths before and felt like we had a good bit in common but my initial reaction was there is no way "all sex is about power" is going to logically hold. As other posters have said your statement may very well be true for you in your life experience but not for them. I liken opinions people hold as something like looking through stained glass. Our life experience is what colors the glass and dictates what we see. I think the glass we look through is similar. If I had to guess I would say you are a high drive individual like myself. The issues that got me here posting were due to what happened to my wife and not myself but for whatever reason I find writing about how the glass I view the world through is colored the way it is to be therapeutic for me. If it benefits anyone else that is just a big plus.

We are 6 months apart in age which may explain why what you wrote now and in the past resonates with me. We also came from very religious backgrounds but I was raised presbyterian. Regardless the result was the same. Sex was not discussed. It was taboo. I've only had 4 significant relationships. By the time I had been through 3 and started dating my wife the internet was a few years old. I didn't have great access to information on what was normal and what was not. All of my relationships ended right after the honeymoon phase when sex was frequent and desired on both sides. By the time our sex drives set to their default the relationship had ended which was a year or 2 later.

With my wife we pushed past that. We've been together 18 years now. I didn't know it was normal not to have sex all the time because that is all I knew. Once the honeymoon wore off I still wanted to have sex all the time but my wife's natural default was once to maybe twice a week. I guess that is why I agree the partner with the low drive has the power. To complicate things more she disclosed early on her first experience with sex was date rape (which is how I ended up here). I've read the posts that rape is not sex but if your first experience with sex is being raped it does tend to color your glass. Because of that I was never comfortable discussing the differences in our drives. The thought of her having sex with me when she did not want to was abhorrent even though there is nothing abhorrent about 2 differing sex drives. It's quite the opposite. It is normal.

I remember the night we finally discussed it. I wanted to and she did not. She was willing to when she sensed the disappointment but I told her if she was not interested I had no desire to be like the pos that raped her. She assured me I wasn't. I've got a whole thread on what me and my dumbass asked next: "What exactly happened to you?". That's what got me here but that is another story. What ended up happening was we made a compromise on our differing drives. We have sex more frequently albeit less than is my default but still more than hers. The reason had nothing to do with power. It was a decision made out of love. We are simply different and my difference was accepted. I can't help but feel extremely fortunate. There was a time I loathed my sex drive. If it were a switch I would have flipped it off. It sounds silly looking back but it is true.

As I read this thread although I can follow your logic of power dictating the dynamic of sex I just couldn't agree. Sure it is a component. The analogy may be odd but your argument/discussion reminded me of playing rock/paper/scissors as a kid. Sex is too multifaceted to give in to one dynamic trumping another. I never understood how a piece of paper covering a rock was a victory. I get scissors beating paper and rock beating scissors but leave a piece of paper on top of rock outside and let me know how that victory works out long term. Like paper when it comes to sex power never wins. Love beats the hell out of it. Wish you the best.
hooper

 

[somerandomguy]

I appreciate that this thread is still continuing, because I'm still having trouble. Feeling sexually deprived is a big, big trigger for me, and each time that happens I start to feel the way I did in most of this thread. It is not very healthy for my relationship, as you can imagine.

I need more help with this than I can work through myself, I'm afraid. I will be bringing this up with my therapist at my next appointment.

Thanks, all, for your very reasonable and thoughtful responses.

 

[Renestel]

THAT I can totally relate with. Ive done SO much trauma work and after nearly having to consider divorce because each time we had sex we were coming from such polar opposite places- me: after my therapist made me open my rotting can of worms of my child molestation, mental abuse and college rape I was so easily triggered by anything sexual... and him: he had few sexual relationships and got heavily into reddit porn to escape from our lack of sex and then when we would try finally to have sex, he would want to do new things like bondage or anal and that was just WAY too triggering to me due to pain and vulnerability. Now that Im healing well and feeling more safe within myself, he is now the one turning me down all the time and it really hurts. Not only is he still switched off from having to do that before but also I feel subconsciously he has some anger and resentment there, too. (Does anyone ever feel their wife/husband is almost getting back at them in a way for putting them through living with someone with PTSD?) So that in turn triggers me. Ive read tons of threads from both sufferers and supporters that this is normal, but it sure doesn’t make me feel better when it happens. Its like you meditate and train at the gym for a football game on Friday and when the day comes, you run out onto the field all hyped up to play, proud of how hard you prepared and theres no one even out there. You’re all alone.
Three things have helped me push through these times—1., therapy which you said you are doing so good for you there 2., communication with him. The next day when Im not as pissed and feeling so rejected, I tell him how im feeling. We are debating doing some therapy sessions together in the future too which you can always do with your wife as well. 3., if I dont have those options available or aren’t working enough I just go to the gym. I personally can burn a lot of sexual energy off. Not sure about yourself. Hope any of this helps.

 

[cherileisman]

@somerandomguy I find your argument quite interesting & can sorta see where you're coming from. I'm going to think on that a bit - thanks for throwing it out there ?