Almost killed myself because of anxiety & stress??

[Amyyy]

Hi so I've never posted here before but I kinda need to talk to someone about this so...
I've always had really bad anxiety. It's mostly about what people think about me, I'd literally do anything so they won't hate me. Also I get super stressed out about stuff that I have to do and I'm kind of situationally depressed (Whenever something bad is happening in my life I get super depressed, but there's times where I'm not depressed at all, like when good stuff happens, well I don't really know what's up with me but I guess that it's kind of a situational Depression or something idrk) but I constantly want to die ( I know that I won't kill myself but I just hate this life and all the stuff that I have to do that is making me stressed out). I also selfharm sometimes when my anxiety is pretty bad because it calms me down... well anyways, the last few days I had to finish and assignment that was like a documentation of the presentation that I have to do. But I just didn't know how to start and I could not concentrate at all so I procrastinated until yesterday evening. I was sitting in front of the computer just not knowing what to do and how to start and I had such bad anxiety that I wouldn't be able to finish it until today (the deadline) and I started panicking and crying and I almost couldn't breathe anymore. In that Mment I seriously thought about killing myself. I imagined cutting my wrists open like the arteries or whatever it's called and all the blood that would flow out. And I really really wanted to do it because I was just so scared of not being able to finish it and I actually almost killed myself over an unfinished assignment. In the end I fell asleep crying. To be honest I want to die but I don't want to kill myself, so thinking all those things really really scared me. I don't know what to do about this anxiety and stress ... I was never diagnosed and I really don't want to talk to my parents about it or anything (I'm 17 y/o)... I just don't know what to do. I'm scared I might really kill myself over some stupid assignment someday.

 

[digger]

I was never diagnosed

Do you mean with the anxiety and depression? Or with PTSD?

Is there a reason you don't want to your parents about this? How about maybe talking to a school counsellor - might that be an option?

 

[Amyyy]

Yeah I was never diagnosed with anything. I've had a lot of emotional and physical abuse going on in my childhood (from my parents side, although its gotten better) but I cant talk to them because they just really dont care, and also I'm scared of what they might think of me if they found out about the self harm and my death wishes. Besides, they've got their own problems which they dont want to talk about to a therapist or anything, and from the stuff I've found out about their childhood they went through a rough time themselves.
ut anyway I really dont know what to do...

 

[digger]

really dont know what to do...

Is there a counsellor at your school?

 

[Amyyy]

unfortunately not

 

[Zea]

I've also been through this. I had anxiety and depression. There were really many times that I wanted to end my life. But thankfully, I got out of it.

My advice is that you need to talk to it to someone. You need to get it off your chest. It was what I did. My parents are like MIA and I'm not that close with my brother so I really had no on to talk to. But you need to find someone you can talk it too.

I can talk to you. I would be more than glad.

Also, I indulge myself in activities where I wouldn't feel alone. I started listening to music and became a fan of some band. I also read because when I read, I forget my reality. Find some hobby that will entertain you.

I kept myself away from negative thoughts and watch inspirational videos. I'm really an introvert and I like to keep things off to myself only. But I tell you, you need a friend. They will make things better.

Just talk it with someone. You can talk to mee too.

 

[Sunny6]

It is very important that you talk to someone. These are not issues that should be dealt with alone. It is hurting you a lot; some things we need help with and this is one of them.

It is scary, but worth it. Reach out.