Almost Walked Out Of Therapy Today

[Dana1010]

I sat down on the couch today and I could tell right away we weren't going to be doing actual therapy. We started with the requisite small talk, but she seemed to grab every insignificant thread and try and turn it into a conversation. Work, my home life, my outfit (!), everything except what I am in therapy for. I actually thought about just getting up and walking out. The grittiest it got was her basically trying to dislodge my worldview and replace it with hers. WTF? I don't want my therapist's worldview, I want to process my personal traumas, and that's it.

I feel like we hardly ever drill into core issues from the past that really bother me. Is she pacing me for my own good or for her own profit? I wonder if they shaft you when you have insurance with a low copay, like ten or 20 dollars. Am I getting ten dollar therapy? The reason I chose her is because she's certified for Somatic Experiencing, but I feel like we're hardly ever doing S.E. so what's the point?

I have had some good sessions with her, but she is such a Sunday driver sometimes, I'm wondering about finding someone who can dive in unflinchingly and not try to paint a pretty picture or force their worldview on me. She's my first therapist, so I have no one to compare her to. Am I over-reacting?

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's hard, I've had sessions or parts of sessions like you've described, but I know I get overwhelmed easily and don't always see it coming so my therapist does pace me at times for my own good. I trust her implicitly and looking back can see why she slowed down. That, and she'll usually let me know what she's thinking - she's good at "thinking aloud" so I get a sense of why she's working the way she is. There are times I'll drive things, which I know she prefers, but she'll purposely not open something up if she can see I'm struggling.

Her forcing her worldview is a different matter, although again, my therapist will sometimes challenge my thinking about a particular issue because my thinking has been skewed by my trauma experiences. Could you talk to her abut what you're expecting from your time together or ask her about pacing?

 

[Dana1010]

@Suzetig, I have asked her before if she was avoiding a certain topic. and she said no. The pacing thing (if that's what she's doing) Is frustrating because we're only doing one hour per week so there's plenty of time to cool off between sessions. I feel like one hour of intense drilling with a week in between would be fine. In my experience, the more intense sessions are cleansing and leave me feeling better than the wishy washy sessions where I walk out feeling frustrated, like I wasted my time.

 

[joeylittle]

I'd suggest telling her very directly. I told my therapist early on that he should feel free to push; I wasn't going to be so good at driving the bus. Now, sometimes, if he's letting me sit in silence and I really don't even know where to start, I'll just tell him that he needs to ask me questions. I don't think you have any reason to not just tell her you want to dig in.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

I totally agree with joeylittle -

This is your therapy, your time and your money - your life.

In order for you to trust her, which I think is most important, it seems you need to find out if she is able to give you what you think is going to be the most beneficial for you or for her to explain why what she is doing is really the correct approach.

Hope it works out -

Laurie

 

[Kintsugi]

I agree you should just talk to her about it and see what she says.

My T was pretty to the point. She would definitely push me sometimes. Sometimes, especially because I was so young, our sessions were about things unrelated to my trauma and more about daily life, but that was an occasion and not a norm. I found this very helpful.

I would also ask her about the somatic experiencing component. If she isn't being clear about her reasoning, I would just ask her if she has a plan or method in mind that she is intentionally using/building for a defined purpose/goal.

 

[Whirlwind]

In my experience, the more intense sessions are cleansing and leave me feeling better than the wishy washy sessions where I walk out feeling frustrated, like I wasted my time.

Good for you, it sounds like you know what you want. It is hard when you have only one T comparison....

I took notes from all of my sessions and gave the session an overall rating, I figured not every session can be a really good one but they should be in the ball park most of the time. I took notes/questions/concerns to sessions to make sure I didn't forget and to help stay on target. Taking notes also helped me sort out if I tried hard enough on my end, as in telling them what I wanted or was confused by.

For example, sessions revealed some trouble areas and he would say we "need to work on that" next session but we didn't or he had very little to elaborate on the topic. He was very passive in letting me "drive" which was good at first, his poker face and demeanor helped me start talking but this style hasn't been so helpful anymore. I've been feeling lately like I've talked myself out so there must be something else next?

Good luck, Whirlwind

 

[ghotiff]

My T leaves good sized gaps when talking to me which allows me to take direction and talk about the harder stuff when I want to.

My first T did not leave these gaps which meant she fully controlled what happened.

It's such a subtle difference but so important to me.

 

[Suzetig]

I think @ghotiff makes a good point - who drives your sessions. Is your T generally guided by you, waits for you to talk or decide the session content or does she come with an agenda? Sometimes it's hard find a way to start talking about deeper stuff, which is where gaps in conversation can be helpful but you could equally tell her you want to be more in control of the start of sessions.

Small talk at the start of a session can help ease you in but it can also distract or give space to avoid getting in to things. My therapist and I don't really do small talk at the start of session any more, we just settle down to work. We'll do catch up/ small talk at the end while sorting out scheduling and payment which helps me get ready to face the world. It's your therapy, you're in control of what happens but you need to tell her what works and what doesn't, she may think she's helping.

 

[Dana1010]

Small talk at the start of a session can help ease you in but it can also distract or give space to avoid getting in to things.

I feel like this is exactly what's happening. Sometimes I think she would like nothing more than to spend the whole session on small talk. She sometimes asks me if anything significant happened over the week, but on another occasion she said, "I cannot let you control your own therapy." But I feel like that only applies to the serious stuff, because if I mention something trivial, she's all too happy to expound on it endlessly.

I was really mad at her for not validating my experiences. She seems to want to believe that the world is a happy place and any event that wasn't happy was just a misunderstanding. This isn't my experience at all.