Alone Forever Inside My Head

[Tricia74]

I think I'm gonna be alone forever . I've been abused since I was a little girl . Sexual , physical , emotional . I'm afraid of everything , even my own shadow . I can't feel love anymore from a man . I can from God, my kids and friends , and that's it . Men have almost destroyed me from so much abuse . I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread at times and to give out anymore of me would be certain death . I know being alone is lonely at times , but it's safe . I wish those things never happened to me . But they did and it changed me . It took away my ability to trust a man at all . And I can't stop it . I spend my life hiding from the monster inside my head . I am
42 and have had PTSD since 20 ( well diagnosed anyways ) after my daughters dad tried to kill me . My mom tried to kill me and so did 2 other exs . I'm not a bad or mean person . I was just vulnerable and I trusted . I hate what ptsd has done to me . I've never done drugs and I have never taken meds . I hate that I have too many phobias to count . Sure I deal with the symptoms . But it scarred me for life . There is no Cure and being sexually abused will scar me for life . I don't know how to feel real intimacy or let anyone in . I hide from everyone and it's sad . What kind of life is it really ? To be so traumatized that you just exist and not feel . If you do feel any emotion , its fear ...

 

[Ronin]

If you're alone in your life & head -

How do you make yourself comfortable in that spot? :)

 

[Tricia74]

If you're alone in your life & head -

How do you make yourself comfortable in that spot? :)

U just stay really busy :))

 

[Tricia74]

U just stay really busy :))

Maybe one day things will change . I guess safety for me is priority . But when we build a wall around our heart to stop the pain from coming in , it also stops the love from coming in as well .

 

[DrCreative27]

I'm sorry you feel so bad!!! I once felt like you do. I finally divorced my abusive hisband at the age of 42... he carried on the tradition my dad started. I felt a shadow of a person, I could not relate to people, did not feel "real" until someone told me what to be.

But there is help. You can be largely "cured", although finding the right support and skills is hard - maybe I've been "lucky" in that way? I prayed to God for years, but finally got relief after I moved away from my hometown and family.

After almost 6 years of PTSD therapy, I am marrying a man with whom I can be intimate in all the ways, I can enjoy the little things in life... I've even learned some art and new life skills that I didn't think possible. Anxiety is still part of my daily life, but it's not the main part anymore.

You can thrive - don't lose all hope! Perhaps you are getting to the right spot to begin your journey, that "dark before the dawn". Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am now nearly 43, and really just starting my life, and so thankful to have the years I have left to enjoy life. You're not too late!

 

[DrCreative27]

If you're alone in your life & head -

How do you make yourself comfortable in that spot? :)

I hate to admit this - but alone in my head was my safe place. It was dark and angry and miserable... but it was safe. And that's the main thing.

 

[Tricia74]

That is great to read . I'm honestly a very positive person and happy . Just scared to trust a man . And I'm scared to death I'm doomed and that part of me ( trusting a man ) is gone forever

 

[Ronin]

And I'm scared to death I'm doomed and that part of me ( trusting a man ) is gone forever

Forever is a long time, &
Gone trust may be the best thing to do for yourself for a while.

 

[Tricia74]

Forever is a long time, &
Gone trust may be the best thing to do for yourself for a while.

That is true ~ thank you