Alone On Christmas

[lostforgottensoul]

How is someone alone at all in my house when my dad and step mom live with me? Yesterday and today my dad and I have been fighting WAY more than usual. Im sure partlly because holidays are very hard for me, nightmare of the sex toys and porn tapes i used to get as "gifts" as a kid, the poor little animal that would loose their life at my hands for its blood at first light for "god", then the opening "gifts" and the using of them, and they always had "normal" gifts if non-cult members were coming over to look "normal" and when I was 12, the first Christmas this all started, I was so stupid, I didnt know what the other "gifts" were or why we were waiting to open them. They had just started to introduce me to the animal blood so I think they did that without me that first year, and after so many yrs I got used to it. I tried to make a little kitten a pet, hid it in my closet, fed it milk; it was an orange tabby tiny kitten, and I tried to keep it quiet but it was a kitten and my step dad found him and raised him in the air, his little feet kicking and making abnormal moew sounds that were a mix of "help me" meows and "i cant breathe" muffled ones, he held him there for what seemed forever and i was begging him, "no, no", i knew what was coming and my step dad broke his neck and threw him on me and said "these arent pets, they are sacrifice to our god" and walked out. I hadnt named him yet but wanted to name him Gizmo. They made me bury all the animals out of my windoe and today I freak if i see a dead animal and no clue what im gonna do when my now senior 2 cats pass. The rigger of the body, how stiff they get. I cant even deal with a dead rat. Oddly, my step dad would gag from the smell, I always found that odd, you can kill them but cant handle the smell? The sounds that animals make when you are curting their throats are something that never goes away, even after almost 17 yrs. I tried to make little crosses for them but they got torn down. I buried "Gizmo" alone, not with the rest and didnt tell them. I would sit at his grave appologizing to him. That with trying to make him a pet and making the crosses, my therapist its that that says i couldnt be a psyco or sociopath as i knew it was wrong but i got used to it, after a few yrs i didnt care anymore so i put myself in the same catigory as serial killers. I know i was forced and serial killers arent but i still got used to it and stop caring. I was already prostituting for them at 12 before that first Christmas, I already had to make porn tapes and watch porn with them, already getting the punishments but I had hope, hope that maybe Christmas would be what it used to be. I was so stupid that first year and year after year i lost hope. I knew when i was 18 I was moving out, my mom and step dad couldnt legally keep me there so counting the yrs, the days, the hrs is the only thing that kept me going. Why cant my father, who left me there, see my pain? Why cant he see that someone that has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, possible Attchment Disorder, at almost 35 has no life, no friends, no spouse or boyfriend, stays away from people or if forced to be around people try to become part of the wall, why cant he see something bad happened? I dont just explode because nothing is wrong! You arent like me when you had a happy childhood. Anyway, my dad and step mom were here in the morning but was going to their friend's house and I was going to go but all the fighting, him hitting my trigger points over and over, i dont want to be around people. What I REALLY want to do is find a 24 hr drug store and buy some duster to huff to forget it all. Flashbacks have been coming back today and its the only thing that stops them but im trying to keep my butt in the house so i dont and trying to not go near my 20 razor blades. My therapist asked me once to get rid of my razor blades but a cutter will ALWAYS find a way to cut, ive tore apart a disposible razor to cut, used my finger nails or teeth, plus thats mine, I control my pain now, me!

Sigh...I dont even know why Im writing this. I thought I was getting better until today and now even more convinced that my dad (who just got a negitive for dementia so thats no excuse) will never understand. He likes to put his head in the sand and not face it and he had a part in it too. He ignored his 9yr old and then 12 yr old daughter when she asked him to take her with him and he said no both times but took my brother. He owns at least that; he left me there, alone; he oens that. That and not fighting in court when my mom isolated me from him and his whole family. He owns that too but he reduces everything down to it not being bad or abuse. I just wish he could believe me! Yes, that means he has to admit his wrong in it but be a man, he's 74 but doesnt have dementia, so be a man and own it because deny it is halting my healing and its making it so much worse for me.

Guess I will try to keep my ass on the couch watch Netflix; hopefully not go back to sleep as though I want to, that means they get to come back to me again. I hate my life! I wish I could laugh, cry, meet new people; be like everyone else. Will I ever get there?

 

[Powder]

Holidays for those of us who were in abusive homes is hard. Little by little, you can make it better, but there will always be a sadness from the way it should have been vs. how bad it actually was. :( I'm so sorry you had some very bad traumas then.

 

[shimmerz]

I get super frustrated when I slide back and forth too. One day I feel like I am getting somewhere, the next I am so messed up it hurts. Luckily i have someone who knows how dark it has been and keeps reminding me of how much better overall it is now. And it is.

The fact that you can say you felt you were getting better? That is HUGE! Huge. Hang on to that if you can and know that when you are 'in it' it feels like the good days don't matter. They do. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I get super frustrated when I slide back and forth too. One day I feel like I am getting somewhere, th...

I forgot to add that the day before i moved out they had a big bon fire, they burned all the pictures, all the tapes, all my diaries and writting they found, even my art that had nothing to do with it all just to hurt me. Its my word against my mom's and so everyone thinks im lying. If i were, why keep it up 17 yrs? Why allow my entire family to walk out and leave? I feel like just telling them what they want to hear but it would be a lie.

I was feeling like i was gaining a little ground. The "crowded lunchroom noise" i was haearing had stopped, im starting to create boundries; but it all seems to have gone backwards since i recently learned my dad really doesnt believe me. I dont know, is it huge if now ive slid all the way backwards?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Holidays for those of us who were in abusive homes is hard. Little by little, you can make it better, but th...

I know i will always have some sadness but i want to be able to put that to the back of my mind and just have a good time and i cant seem to ever do that. Around family i get hurt again as i did lasr yr and this ye i just said "you go without me"; yes my physical pain is bad today but i could of pushed through that, i do it to work; i didnt want to be around people.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Guess I will try to keep my ass on the couch watch Netflix; hopefully not go back to sleep as though I want to, that means they get to come back to me again. I hate my life! I wish I could laugh, cry, meet new people; be like everyone else. Will I ever get there?

Dear lostforgottensoul, I did not read everything you wrote because today is a tough one. But I did want to show some support and say that it goes a little bit like this: at one point, you start noticing small progress. It´s hard to notice, and sometimes you forget about your own progress because it seems so small.

Then one year you will suddenly notice, hey! There´s so many things that went differently this time. And the crap memories will still be there, and sometimes the anxiety and depression come back to visit their old host, but they will stay for shorter times and they will be easier to chase away with the positive things.

You will totally get there and I´m glad you asked because sometimes I´m also scared of not getting there. But then I remember the small victories. We´re headed there.

I know i will always have some sadness but i want to be able to put that to the back of my mind and just have a good time and i cant seem to ever do that.

The thing is that sadness needs to be there - it´s a part of you that wants to be heard, I think. This is only my point of view and in no way telling you what´s best for you :) But for me it never helped to think of what "I should" do. It helped to accept the sadness and try to deal with it. When it´s heard, you can let it out, and then move on.

 

[Powder]

I have a family and I also feel bad that I can't shake the feelings that come over me on the holidays. If anything, it seems to get worse. I am not in therapy so I don't have answers yet. I'm just trying to observe my own feelings and think about them rationally.

Even when nice things are done for me, I feel that I don't deserve it. I just had new flashbacks that were horrible, so I think it's related to the shame of those experiences.

What helps me is to realize I'm not the only person who matters in my family. I think about how my kids feel and my husband, and I remember that they were not traumatized, and don't have my trauma. This helps me somehow, like I can carry the burden and I somehow exist in their mind without the trauma, if that makes any sense.

I read about your trying to bond with animals as a child. I also did that. I think that when humans are traumatic, animals are the logical friend of choice for healthy attachment. There was some animal cruelty but I don't remember any killing of animals, other than hunting, which was bad enough. I always felt that all life is sacred in some way, and animals do have a soul as we are, after all, not that different.

I don't know if it is possible for you, but if so, I would get a therapy animal of some kind who will work with you in therapy, or do equine therapy or spend time outdoors. Even taking care of plants can be healing.

Don't expect to want to be around people after the betrayal traumas you've endured, not yet. That may happen later. Maybe it would be better to set a goal to enjoy things that are uncomplicated and simply nice for you...a puzzle, a book, a plant, a movie, a song, and someday, animals of your own. Enjoy these and don't beat yourself up for the rest.

I wish it were simpler. Take joy from the small things, and these grow into greater enjoyment of life.

 

[shimmerz]

but it all seems to have gone backwards since i recently learned my dad really doesnt believe me.

See, this is a good thing to know. Because there IS a stressor going on here that seems to be pulling you back. And you have identified it! Yeah!

This is what I officially refer to as 'the contrast stage'. Without contrasting feelings we can't zero in on what is triggering us. Now you know. Your feelings about your father not understanding/listening to you.

Then comes the decision/experimental stage. Do you need to stay away from him and those that remind you of this so you can clear your thoughts? Can you come to some sort of realization that his thoughts about you don't matter? Anything else you can come up with? And it doesn't stop in an instant - but you can see and feel how it feels to be exposed to it. That.is.a.really.good.thing. Although it doesn't necessarily feel like it right now while you are activated.

 

[Della]

@lostforgottensoul I know that's it's hard for you around the holidays. I know it's easier said than done but try to pull yourself out of it. You have only one life and only one body on earth honey and try to enjoy that as much as you can. I know that you have been through a lot just by me reading your post. It's rough being sexually exposed as a young age It's never anything nice to go through. As far as your dad is concerned some people hide or put their head in the sand because the truth hurts when they have to face it head on because the parent wants their child to have a normal life even though they are some of the factors that caused your disorder. Even though they are parents, they are human as well and parents have issues that they have to deal with on their own as well. Guess what? You are not alone. The people here on the forum are here for you. You take care and try to hang in there ok. :-)

 

[Friday]

No judgement if you haven't or never want to... But have you told your dad & stepmom these things?

I can't believe how effing stupid some people are. My mom means well, in smart/kind/caring in virtually every other way..., but she honestly thinks waking my son up loud -if it's happy loud- "shouldn't" send him into either a panic/rage attack, or into shutdown mode. Um. HELLO. Abused kid. Bit she's never hurt him, she would never hurt him. Mom. It doesn't matter. Abused. Kid. She'll remember for a few weeks (after storming about how "ridiculous" it is, because she got her feelings hurt), or even a few months, and then starts waking him up again by screaming at him. OMFG. Stop. Mom. He. Has. An. Alarm. Clock. For. A. Reason. <insert rant #207> I swear, if I didn't run across this same "But I love him, so he has to be okay." form of denial all the damn time I'd get her screened for dementia. But f*ck me, it's frustrating as hell. She's the worst. My dad & sis & bro only need annual reminders, ((& they feel awful about it, instead of rage... Yo. Abused kid, remember? // Oh. Shit. Right. I'm so sorry. I really wasn't thinking. It never even entered my head that - right. Makes total sense.))

"Dad. Xmas to me means getting new sex toys to be raped with. And worse. So no wrapping paper on my presents, okay? I'm trying to make new memories, but this is really, really hard for me."

... Might be something you have to remind him of every year. It might not be worth it. Again, no judgement. I don't tell my parents about any of my own trauma, hell. They don't even know I have PTSD. So sometimes people don't know. Other times, they should know -because you've durn well told them 50 times-, but have to be reminded. And sometimes, it just never occurs to them. Oh. Oh shit. Click. Well that makes so much sense.

It's hard enough to deal with our own stuff, much less having to deal with others. Strength to you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"Dad. Xmas to me means getting new sex toys to be raped with. And worse. So no wrapping paper on my presents, okay? I'm trying to make new memories, but this is really, really hard for me."

No, not that cuz he doesnt know that much BUT he DOES know my step dad had sex with me, my mom participated (which he doesnt believe) that they raised me a cult, that they beat me and had other punishments w/o details. He knows that xmas is hard but he puts his head in the sand and denies it all and Im more and more convinced he does this b/c if he admits these bad things happened that means he had a part in it by saying no when I was 9yrs old and when I was 12 yrs old when i asked him to take me and took my brother and left me there alone and he just cant. Now I know he doesnt have dementia, he nor can anyone use that as an excuse and in sick of hearing "he's old and stuck in his ways", yes he's 74 but for f*cking sakes, man up b/c your youngest is hurting, has been hurt, and needs you!

This is why my therapist and I had a plan to write out ALL of it, w/o details, then my therapist write the psycological effects and have him read it to my dad as i wouldnt be able to. It took 5 yrs to be ok with that and finding out that he really doesnt believe me derailed that plan. I know he cant fully understand or be supportive of what he doesnt know, BUT can I handle him minimizing it ALL? Can I handle him NOT believing it? Thats a question only I can answer and my last session on xmas eve w/ my therapist I said that this MUST start w/ my therapist telling my dad and step mom (whom knows more than my dad) why he believes me. Why my therapist has no doubt in his mind, whom would be able to pick out a person making it up before anyone; that it ALL happened. Then continue w/ the written account but that wont happen until my dad can look me in the eyes and make ME believe that he FULLY believes me and no longer has doubt. If that takes several trips into my therapist office then ok, i even said ok w/ him talking to my therapist alone about me but until he can do that, then that longer account of my past wont be read to him. Why tell him more if he deep down dowsnt believe me FULLY?

He knows I have triggers; buttons and i have DAILY told him what those are along w/ "stop stopping me from venting b/c if it doesnt come out that way it will come out on its own in other ways you dont want", exploding, cutting, huffing etc but he still stops my venting so I dunno. My dad the half non-believer and my step mom the pain pill addict; its rough at my house. I usually just shut up and suffer alone and end up cutting. If only I had someone like yourself for your brother! The rest of my family including my brother FULLY thinks im lying. Sigh!

 

[VioletButterfly]

I don't know where to begin. I feel the others above me have provided you with a lot of wisdom and given you a lot to think about. I'm so very grateful that you have a good T who is working with you through all of this. The rest of me just wants to cry rivers of tears for what you've been through and what you're trying to trudge through right now. From what you've written You seem to be going in the right direction, so I'm sending lots of strength and courage your way to light your path. Wishing you the best. VB