Am Having A Very Bad Day

[therisa]

Am finding, today is, one of my worst days, of this year, for dark and harmful thoughts, towards myself and about my own past. It has been about 3 years, since I have felt like this. Not exactly suicidal, but if left unchecked, I know, I will become suicidal and try it, again. I can’t find the proper words, to describe this, when talking with other people, about this. Like my defenses have kicked in, and I lose all contact, with this part of my mind.

I know that I need to talk, in order, to release this dark and toxic malaise, from my soul, which has haunted me, for too many years. Am, at a lost, how to do this, in a constructive way, which conveys my experiences and still, be able to receive the needed help, while my level of frustration grows longer, with each failed attempt to do so. It is times, like this that I hate myself, beyond all redemption.

 

[Barberian]

If you have no one to talk to, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. They have trained people to talk with, and are aware of resources you may not know about.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I've used hotlines before, there is no shame or showing of weakness in using help when you need it.

Hang in there. your worth it.

 

[therisa]

Thank you, Barberian, but that hotline doesn't work, in Canada. My biggest problem is, I can't vocalize my experiences, like most people can. So that the time, I would spend on the helpline, would be "dead air" on my part.

 

[Namaste01]

Therisa, If you need assistance go to your local hospital they have staff that can handle to suicidal thoughts. Not sure where you are, but in Toronto there is CAMH, as well you could contact victim services, and set you up with a counsellor/psychologist.

Not sure if you can't talk about it because you are afraid of judgement (of what happened), or because you feel people will not understand because they haven't been through your experience. Both feelings are completely normal by the way.

 

[bell]

What about drawing? Not even anything in particular, doodling, even! Anything that engages a different part of your brain than it would for writing might help dislodge some junk?

Barring that, if it were me (and I know you're not me), I would try something like this: Lie down on the floor, put both hands on my stomach, and breathe deeply until my hands are rising and falling. Chances are high that you're currently breathing up the tops of your lungs and not the bottom, which can raise anxiety and help speed up those nasty thoughts.

When things are really bad for me, I get in the bed and don't leave. That could mean playing games on my phone, reading or sleeping, but, no matter what, I don't leave if I think I might be tempted to do anything. (If you're really getting tempted, by all means, go get help, just throwing a few things out there that have helped me!)

Best of luck, be gentle with yourself, @therisa. Sending you a big hug if that's okay, if it isn't, sending positive thoughts your way nonetheless.

 

[WillyKat]

Therisa,

I agree with the other posters about making a call or going in.

In the meantime, it would help for you to find a nice place to sit and just breathe deeply. When we get anxious and depressed like this, our breathing gets shallow and makes everything harder. So breathe, try to ground yourself in the present moment, and let your muscles relax.

Put on some favorite music, open the blinds. And know that you're not alone.

Maybe you can express yourself, maybe you can find the words. I say that because you reached out to this forum for assistance. You typed a message and its clear to us that you need some help, like we all do from time to time.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. :(

 

[Barberian]

I keep forgetting this is an international forum. I'm old enough that the thought of chatting with people all over the globe was science fiction when I was a kid and growing up.

As you can see from all the responses in a short time that there are people out here that care about your well being. You may feel all alone, but your not.

Is there any "treat" you can treat yourself to? Maybe an Ice cream, some popcorn, a movie, a walk in the park, an old favorite book, some arts and crafts to help cheer you up?

I watch "tv" on the internet. I use Hulu.com for free tv shows and it even has a free movie section.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. Please try and do whatever you can think of to comfort yourself right now. You expressed yourself here very articulately. But I know it's easier to "speak" here than face to face when I'm feeling that bad. Then, like a wounded animal, I tend to isolate and comfort myself until I can go back "out there".

But like others say, if you are feeling at all suicidal, please call Canada's hotline. I am sure they have dealt with people who can only say - I feel so bad I can't put it into words.

((((((((((((Hug))))))))))

 

[Barberian]

Online suicide prevention chat networks. I haven't used these so I can't vouch for them, but it's something to think about. I Google'd them, and there were many more. These were among the top entries.

[DLMURL]http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx[/DLMURL]

https://www.imalive.org/

 

[Hope4future]

Just want to add my support. I'm sorry it's so hard. Take good care of yourself and try to remember that we need you in this world. You have so much to offer. Wishing you a better tomorrow. ( Really wishing you a better next minute. )

 

[therisa]

Namasto,

...your local hospital they have staff that can handle to suicidal thoughts....

I am, on a waiting list, to see a psychiartist, just one of the things, which I am waiting for. As for suicidal thoughts, my SI is still at the passive level, but I know that can change and am aware of my danger signs.

....but in Toronto there is CAMH, as well you could contact victim services, and set you up with a counsellor/psychologist....

There is a long and often bitter relationship, between the transcommunity and CAMH (the Clarke Institute, it's previous incarnation), and to access CAMH, I would need my doctor to apply for me, which mean several more months, before I can see anyone.