Am I being unreasonable?

[InsertCoinsHere]

I want to check others views on here as to whether I am being unreasonable in regards to my in-laws.

Quick backstory; I had to move out of my parents home upon returning from working abroad..they didn’t want to look at the abuse that had happened within the dysfunctional family system, their denial and hostile behaviour was making my mental health worse so I left to live with my girlfriend (whom lives 500 miles away from my hometown with her parents). They welcomed me in and it hasn’t been all too bad, yes there are difficult times and I feel emasculated.. but it could be worse, I could be without a place to sleep at night so I am thankful.

I’ve been living with my partner and her parents for the past 5 months, I’m really getting worn down, I feel obligated to say yes to demands and quite frequently it’s assumed that I don’t have any issue with their assumptions e.g. being told to do things or being told to stay at home to collect parcels and show tradesmen work that requires doing..

These things happen frequently and quite frankly I feel taken for granted. I feel like I’m being treated like child, my every move is monitored and it’s difficult.. I don’t feel like a sovereign individual never mind a man.

It doesn’t help that I feel so guilty for accepting their offerings (if I don’t accept their overwhelming offerings of money or gifts they get offended).. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.. my self esteem has really plummeted as I feel so much shame and guilt.. I feel I ‘owe’ them so much and have so little to offer.. I can’t accept anymore - I feel worthless and cheap as a result of how much they give me.. I feel everything they give me has a covert contract assigned to it.

My resentment is building and I’m beginning to get bitter.. I want to be treated as a individual, I feel I’m being treated as a prisoner to their family hierarchy (I’m not to do or say anything that disagrees with what my parents in law believe, feel, or assume).

I require my own place so I can feel safe and comfortable, I’m making gradual steps towards getting back into employment in order to fund my own rented accommodation, it’s a slow process and I’m truly fighting.. Its just getting me down feeling so obligated and taken for granted... I truly feel without a voice.

Are my feelings valid? Is it okay to feel this way?

Any advice would be helpful thanks.

 

[Friday]

I’ve lived apx 6 months a year with my folks for the past few years. (Custody issue, for the most part.) They’re good people. They drive me completely insane. I left home at 17. I served in the military. I’ve travelled the world. Married. Bought a house. Built other houses. Raised kids (almost there, anyway, youngest is 16). In short? I led a very full life, as an independent adult. For almost 20 years. And now??? :banghead:

There’s a fine line between gratitude and resentment.

I’m a visitor in their home.

I cannot wake when I want, shower when I want, use lights when I want, set the thermostat when I want, come and go as I want, raise my son as I want, set my schedule as I want... absolutely nothing in my life is done as I want. When I’m in their home.

I’ve had far more freedom in far more circumscribed situations... because I had just as many rights as anyone else there, or simply didn’t care. Even, in many ways, during times I was held prisoner. Which rankles, like nails down a chalkboard. Because unlike those times I’m not locked in, beaten, raped, starved, etc. I’m not actually trapped here. Its my choice to be here. Which is 90% of what drives me crazy.

Their latest schtick? I’m not allowed to use the kitchen, anymore. Not because I’ve left it a mess, or damaged anything, or woken anyone up, but because “I cook like a professional”. :confused: The f*ck??? IDFK. My dad is almost in his 80’s and he gets weird ideas, sometimes. Like the oven shouldn’t go above 300 degreees (because a faulty element, in an oven I never used, years before I came here, slagged, even though HELLO! Faulty. Element. The oven actually goes up to 525, I never use it above 450, but apparently that’s just risking burning their house down. Dad. You’re being ridiculous. That’s like if your transmition in your car broke and you couldn’t shift gears, after getting a new tranny never driving any OTHER car faster than 1st gear. Because, once, your transmission broke. He doesn’t care. They have 2 ovens, and neither is allowed -as of last week- above 300 degrees.), and the burners on the stove shouldn’t go above medium, and knives should be used slowly, not quickly, and cutting boards should never get wet, and a bunch of other frankly bizarre requirements (no steam, no smoke, no sizzling, no searing, no smell -seriously, we’re somehow supposed to cook food without the smell of food cooking- I’m seriously suspecting senility). IF I want to use their kitchen. Nope. Not gonna do it.

It’s their kitchen. They have the right to say how it’s used.

I have the right to refuse to use it that way. But not to use it whatever way I want.

That doesn’t mean that it’s not infuriating. And it doesn’t mean I didn’t argue it. But at the end of the day, it’s their house and I’m just a guest, in it. I can cook outside, with my camp stove, which they have no say over. It’s mine. The pans I use are mine. The food is mine. They’re not happy about it, but they don’t have a say in it, either. Unlike everything else that goes on in their home. Because, once again, their house. Their rules. IF I want to stay here? I have to abide by them.

I DON’T actually want to stay here, which complicates matters. But I want my son to be able to stay here with his grandparents. So I sacrifice a lot, and suck up a lot, and am generally very exhausted, demoralised, frustrated, stressed out, and far more symptomatic than I “need” to be.

It’s my choice to be here. And it’s their house.

So whilst my feelings are valid :banghead: :wtf: :mad: :confused: My feelings about the situation don’t actually change the situation itself. IE Their House = Their Rules.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

I’ve lived apx 6 months a year with my folks for the past few years. (Custody issue, for the most part.) They’re good people. They drive me completely insane. I left home at 17. I served in the military. I’ve travelled the world. Married. Bought a house. Built other houses. Raised kids (almost there, anyway, youngest is 16). In short? I led a very full life, as an independent adult. For almost 20 years. And now??? :banghead:

There’s a fine line between gratitude and resentment.

I’m a visitor in their home.

I cannot wake when I want, shower when I want, use lights when I want, set the thermostat when I want, come and go as I want, raise my son as I want, set my schedule as I want... absolutely nothing in my life is done as I want. When I’m in their home.

I’ve had far more freedom in far more circumscribed situations... because I had just as many rights as anyone else there, or simply didn’t care. Even, in many ways, during times I was held prisoner. Which rankles, like nails down a chalkboard. Because unlike those times I’m not locked in, beaten, raped, starved, etc. I’m not actually trapped here. Its my choice to be here. Which is 90% of what drives me crazy.

Their latest schtick? I’m not allowed to use the kitchen, anymore. Not because I’ve left it a mess, or damaged anything, or woken anyone up, but because “I cook like a professional”. :confused: The f*ck??? IDFK. My dad is almost in his 80’s and he gets weird ideas, sometimes. Like the oven shouldn’t go above 300 degreees (because a faulty element, in an oven I never used, years before I came here, slagged, even though HELLO! Faulty. Element. The oven actually goes up to 525, I never use it above 450, but apparently that’s just risking burning their house down. Dad. You’re being ridiculous. That’s like if your transmition in your car broke and you couldn’t shift gears, after getting a new tranny never driving any OTHER car faster than 1st gear. Because, once, your transmission broke. He doesn’t care. They have 2 ovens, and neither is allowed -as of last week- above 300 degrees.), and the burners on the stove shouldn’t go above medium, and knives should be used slowly, not quickly, and cutting boards should never get wet, and a bunch of other frankly bizarre requirements (no steam, no smoke, no sizzling, no searing, no smell -seriously, we’re somehow supposed to cook food without the smell of food cooking- I’m seriously suspecting senility). IF I want to use their kitchen. Nope. Not gonna do it.

It’s their kitchen. They have the right to say how it’s used.

I have the right to refuse to use it that way. But not to use it whatever way I want.

That doesn’t mean that it’s not infuriating. And it doesn’t mean I didn’t argue it. But at the end of the day, it’s their house and I’m just a guest, in it. I can cook outside, with my camp stove, which they have no say over. It’s mine. The pans I use are mine. The food is mine. They’re not happy about it, but they don’t have a say in it, either. Unlike everything else that goes on in their home. Because, once again, their house. Their rules. IF I want to stay here? I have to abide by them.

I DON’T actually want to stay here, which complicates matters. But I want my son to be able to stay here with his grandparents. So I sacrifice a lot, and suck up a lot, and am generally very exhausted, demoralised, frustrated, stressed out, and far more symptomatic than I “need” to be.

It’s my choice to be here. And it’s their house.

So whilst my feelings are valid :banghead: :wtf: :mad: :confused: My feelings about the situation don’t actually change the situation itself. IE Their House = Their Rules.

Thank you for the honesty, its very refreshing to hear such truth.

You’re absolutely right.. the case is ‘their house their rules’.. how about your personal independence? Do you feel obligated to them in ways that you feel you have to sacrifice your own time (in which you would rather not) or speech in order to keep the peace. Do you feel any sense of guilt for living there? I do but maybe it’s because I’m unable to work (Not that I am suggesting you should feel guilty). Have you found sometimes it’s better to suck it up and put up with it than to complain and create increasing tension?

Thanks

 

[grit]

Your feelings are valid and considering your past as you noted here, quite understandable. The in-laws feelings are also valid. Can two valid things be in conflict and also true? every day my friend.
Some of your reactions sound to me very strong belief. What is emasculated? I know the term but really receiving parcels and washing dishes is making you feel this way. I highly doubt. I feel you came with that feeling and you are reacting to them from something else not to the present time.

It sounds from your post your family was worse. Not that it is competition but you are not appreciating what you get and take full advantage of what they are giving you while you find a job and MAKE FRIENDS. it sounds you are lonely and nitpicking.

You are reasonable but I think you are a bit depressed which is very common after coming back from overseas.

If you have therapy, please use it good. If you can find a group man therapy, it may help and give you perspective and take you out of your head.

I think in my very limited view and not knowing much about you, you are in a good place to put your eyes on your goal of getting independent but also realizing the weight you are carrying and how you are interpreting kindness as being taken for granted and being emasculated and other stuff. Who are you if those feelings are gone today? that guy is in you, find him and be kind and nice to him.

 

[EveHarrington]

Well, technically feelings are never “wrong”.... What matters is what you do with those feelings.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

Your feelings are valid and considering your past as you noted here, quite understandable. The in-laws feelings are also valid. Can two valid things be in conflict and also true? every day my friend.
Some of your reactions sound to me very strong belief. What is emasculated? I know the term but really receiving parcels and washing dishes is making you feel this way. I highly doubt. I feel you came with that feeling and you are reacting to them from something else not to the present time.

It sounds from your post your family was worse. Not that it is competition but you are not appreciating what you get and take full advantage of what they are giving you while you find a job and MAKE FRIENDS. it sounds you are lonely and nitpicking.

You are reasonable but I think you are a bit depressed which is very common after coming back from overseas.

If you have therapy, please use it good. If you can find a group man therapy, it may help and give you perspective and take you out of your head.

I think in my very limited view and not knowing much about you, you are in a good place to put your eyes on your goal of getting independent but also realizing the weight you are carrying and how you are interpreting kindness as being taken for granted and being emasculated and other stuff. Who are you if those feelings are gone today? that guy is in you, find him and be kind and nice to him.

Thanks for the reply. I’d like to make clear I am both extremely and overwhelmingly grateful to be welcomed into their home and given such a nurturing environment, that being said I still have healthy human desires of independence (my own space/free speech) and interdependent relations. I know I’m ranting but I do greatly appreciate their kindness, but do have difficulties accepting it.

I have been making incremental steps towards work unfortunately I haven’t been healthy enough to work.. previously I’d crash and burn as my nervous system was fried..only now after quite intensive EMDR am I able to tolerate a heavier load which I have increased to match and push my body/mind via attending weekly therapy, attending weekly group workshops, exercising and seeking opportunities for growth (I have an interview for a volunteering role in marketing on Monday)..

I do have too much free time you are correct.. At this moment in time I’m torn.. on the one hand I feel I often need so much free time to process trauma (EMDR is bringing up clusters to be processed) on the other hand I want to be social and connect with others however I am finding it difficult while feeling so overwhelmed (due to processing trauma).. At the weekly workshops I attempt to converse with others however often feel dissociated, anxious, vulnerable and overly sensitive that I give off the wrong vibes to others.. I find it very difficult to open up as I’m feeling so raw.

I am making steps to find friends via men’s groups however unfortunately there’s nothing up this part of the country, I’m building my trust and confidence in self and other so I can take the leap and join activity clubs instead in order to meet others.

To the topic of Emasculation. Emasculation feels to me as not having a voice.. to be knowingly confined as another’s submissive subordinate..

I don’t mind being a subordinate, we all have to do that in certain spheres, and in many regards it’s a good thing to learn from others and be shown the ropes, it’s the feeling of being a submissive without a voice that really gets me.

I do have problems with authority figures in terms of feeling dominated, manipulated and controlled by them, this is a result of my past that has left me with suspicion and distrust of authority figures motives.

Maybe I’ve interconnected subordination with submission, as a result have a rather screwed view on it.. looks like something to be untangled and discussed in therapy.

Thank you for your reply, I do find this chat very helpful to bringing awareness to what is truly going on.

 

[grit]

Considering all you are going through, I think you are doing just as much as you could possibly do.

One thing I learned and it may apply to your situation or not is that whenever I am in deep processing trauma, past, ghosts of my parents etc etc, I find that I do not live in a vacuum and those feelings, invisible stench of whatever they are, get attached to whoever is in my life - could be my husband, a friend, work, the guy who does not take off his backpack in the subway or the girl who stands at the door while we are trying to get out...

The feelings from the past in order to be processed come off as f...d moods that just spoil the present day kumbaya! Or my appetite.

Most people forget that to recall your inner child anger, sadness, abandonment, in therapy means these feelings will be felt and that those around you will smell it or get the gist of it because YOU ARE FEELING THOSE FEELINGS.

So in order not to screw my life double and be At mercy of my past all the time, I am always conscious of I am feeling so angry because this feeling came out in therapy AND HOPE TO GOD I do not carry it back to my husband but it is almost impossible.

My question to you is this: how much are you aware of not to bring whatever you are processing to these people and just project? Beware of the past.

If these people know you are going through this and honestly they must really like you that you are in their house, not working and not feeling well, you need to own the voice to be vulnerable and express in a way to induce their abundance empathy that they already show you.

Since I am not in your life, I am under the impression no matter how bad your past was, these people are opposite of that. Not saying they are angels but they are not out to get you or re-traumataize, if anything, they are showing you they like you and are taking care of you.

Be honest with them and do more than you can do when you are upswing and let them know you are under the weather when you are.

One thing I learned I in relationship and be conscious this not tit for tat, is that do the best you can when you are able and let others know when you are down. This way people are not always guessing your mood and state of mind. You are responsible for that.

If you are feeling good and you clean the whole house, then they know you have that side of you…this is an example but if you are always the same tone, mood and energy, then that is you and they need to know that too. You have certain expectation of them and they should have one of theirs too about you.

I think you are doing fine and you are biting as much as you can but you are adult and they are not your parents so yes, a more clear communication is warranted. Do your part well and authentically and let them do theirs.

There are a lot of nuggets and pieces of wisdom and extreme self-awareness in your words and I hope you re-read it and see if you are projecting that high expectations your parents failed back in the day into today’s new adult figure/parent like people in your life.

If you do not journal, journal so you can predict your upswing mood coming or when you are in it so you can over-compenetrate when you are under.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm on disability. I HATE it. I feel insecure about it. I get annoyed when I have to ask for help related to my process to go back to work, and I feel like anything I have to offer back is useless. So I can relate.

But how I think about me is one thing. How others think about me is another. Other's thoughts are not the same as mine.

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.. my self esteem has really plummeted as I feel so much shame and guilt.. I feel I ‘owe’ them so much and have so little to offer.. I can’t accept anymore - I feel worthless and cheap as a result of how much they give me.. I feel everything they give me has a covert contract assigned to it.

They are asking you to contribute to the running of the household. You have the opportunity to contribute. But then you feel like you have nothing to offer, and you feel cheap and guilty. Re-frame it. It can be a big help to have someone around to be able to manage some of these tasks, especially for older adults. They wouldn't ask if it wasn't helpful. They probably don't see you in the same way that you see yourself.

Let go of the guilt. Keep focusing on your goals to get a place of your own. If you need to say no to spend more time on those goals, then say no, and perhaps offer to do something else to help out around the house.