Am I disassociating or what is this?

[Movingforward10]

Had a very heavy therapy session last week. Where I was totally flooded and disassociating.
Anyway, since then I've started to cry. Something I haven't been able to do(for or about myself: other people I can cry for). It's not a lot of tears. Just a few silent ones every few hours. It's four days after therapy. I've barely wanted to speak to anyone. I'm not doing anything but listening to music and just day dreaming for hours, which I used to do a lot as a teenager (when the trauma was happening).
I've retreated from my partner. The only thing I have interest in is listening to music. And music from that time of my life.
It isn't making me happy. But equally it is sort of making me not feel, which gives me some warped sense of anxious calm, if that makes sense.

 

[MrMoonlight]

That is so good @Movingforward10 ! I know it's painful to think of those things and disassociation is a safe place for me too. Therapy hangovers can go on for days. When I do EMDR I usually plan to be out of business in bed recovering, a luxury I know but it's what I need to process further the work we did in therapy.

Be gentle with yourself you are doing "hard lifting" right now, the tears are progress. I hope you let yourself off the hook a little...get some rest and downtime from those thoughts. Do some thought stopping if necessary, challenge the ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts).

Sending gentile thoughts...

 

[Movingforward10]

Thank you. Your words really help.

Learning to be kind to myself and it makes me so sad that it is such a hard thing to do!

Hope your journey through your things is going positively.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

The crying is such a good thing, especially if you’re able to start to do that for you. But it’s not comfortable and you’ll challenge it because of that.

Sounds like dissociation was something you used to survive in the past....so makes sense what you’re saying. I use dissociation too and have found that I have techniques that bring it on very quick.

The only thing I have interest in is listening to music. And music from that time of my life.
It isn't making me happy. But equally it is sort of making me not feel,

Not saying don’t do these things, but I think it’s important to be curious about it.
That’s one way I’m learning how to manage it.
You might write down when it happens and what it looks/feels like for you. Can choose to share or not with your therapist, but sometimes can allow them to know you better.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thank you Warrior Chicken. This is all new to me so I'm really confused about it all.
Good advice that I will follow. I agree I should be curious about why I'm doing what I used to do then, and will talk to my therapist about it
I feel lucky that my therapist seems to know me and what I'm doing way better than myself.

It's a tough time. Which makes me go round in circles as the only person making it tough now is me; and why am I battling myself? Which then goes into the being angry at myself and then the blaming myself and the shame and then the minimising what happened again etc etc etc.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Yeah...the un-merry go-round. I know it well! In my experience, it doesn't go away but it gets a bit easier to track it when you know how it manifests for you. Everyone is different of course. So for me, listening to how I'm judging and blaming/shaming myself (I only ever do this to myself) is key to slowing the un-merry go-round. Often I don't catch it until after the cycle passes, but now I'm trying to be aware of when I come out of it.

Where-as before? I didn't notice any cycle - it was constant blame/shame, and numb. I didn't even register that there was a battle. So, I say kudos on recognizing the battle. Cuz without that, you get stuck.

Sending kindness.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks. Suppose it is steps forward!

Sending kindness right back at you.

 

[Justmehere]

Be careful escaping into dissociation. It happens. But, it also will come with a cost. There is the numb flood cycle. The more someone numbs, eventually, it's got to come up. The emotions are not eliminated, just pushed down for later.

 

[Rainman8772]

Check out the numb vs regulated thread it will have some good information in it.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks Justmehere and Rainman. I'll read that thread. Knowledge is power so am trying to soak up what I can.
I appreciate all your responses
Thank you.