As a side note I think parental neglect manifested in persistent depersonalization for me since 9. Maybe it influenced my behaviors.
For years I've been somewhat removed from my sense of myself sexually, mainly my libido. I don't personally consider myself having been treated terribly sexually. I suppose I don't know how I feel in general to well comprehend myself. It's frustrating. Between 5 and 9 two kids my age, a neighbor and a cousin, separately molested me on a few occasions. Never perceived it that way 'til very recently because they didn't really hurt me. Looking back I am more concerned about where they learned what they did. No idea how I was affected. It just happened. Years later from 13 to 20 I'd have more experiences that would mirror those moments from several different people. Some instances I'd be violated on a level I just don't think about. It would follow the typical pattern of someone expressing interest in knowing me, getting me alone, and getting sexual. Beforehand I'd naively want to be emotionally close to these people that seemed nice enough, so they had the benefit of the doubt. Once they showed they wanted more I think I'd just check out and let the encounters happen, cooperating just enough to get it over with. Each time. Afterwards feeling rotten and disgusting, not unlike I betrayed myself; I didn't give protest, or didn't know how. Couldn't tell if it was because I was dim-witted or because I wanted it. By how I felt about the events later I couldn't have wanted it.
I feel a lag within myself. I am physically attracted to others, but I have profound reservations about full nudity, sexual allusions and sex itself (I could go without for the rest of my life and be fine). I prefer to just hold hands and stuff. I thought perhaps I was asexual, but it's not the case. I just feel like my libido isn't even my own attribute, as if it were someone else's. There are few times I feel "connected" to it, but it will coincide urges to be excessive, which feel highly unfamiliar. My point is I struggle to determine if I was affected by anything that had happened when I was younger, or if I'm only exaggerating. I tend to attribute any struggle to emotional abuse from my parents and claim the other stuff was unimportant. I'm starting to wonder. The sex trigger-y stuff shouldn't exist... I could've underestimated something after all.
For years I've been somewhat removed from my sense of myself sexually, mainly my libido. I don't personally consider myself having been treated terribly sexually. I suppose I don't know how I feel in general to well comprehend myself. It's frustrating. Between 5 and 9 two kids my age, a neighbor and a cousin, separately molested me on a few occasions. Never perceived it that way 'til very recently because they didn't really hurt me. Looking back I am more concerned about where they learned what they did. No idea how I was affected. It just happened. Years later from 13 to 20 I'd have more experiences that would mirror those moments from several different people. Some instances I'd be violated on a level I just don't think about. It would follow the typical pattern of someone expressing interest in knowing me, getting me alone, and getting sexual. Beforehand I'd naively want to be emotionally close to these people that seemed nice enough, so they had the benefit of the doubt. Once they showed they wanted more I think I'd just check out and let the encounters happen, cooperating just enough to get it over with. Each time. Afterwards feeling rotten and disgusting, not unlike I betrayed myself; I didn't give protest, or didn't know how. Couldn't tell if it was because I was dim-witted or because I wanted it. By how I felt about the events later I couldn't have wanted it.
I feel a lag within myself. I am physically attracted to others, but I have profound reservations about full nudity, sexual allusions and sex itself (I could go without for the rest of my life and be fine). I prefer to just hold hands and stuff. I thought perhaps I was asexual, but it's not the case. I just feel like my libido isn't even my own attribute, as if it were someone else's. There are few times I feel "connected" to it, but it will coincide urges to be excessive, which feel highly unfamiliar. My point is I struggle to determine if I was affected by anything that had happened when I was younger, or if I'm only exaggerating. I tend to attribute any struggle to emotional abuse from my parents and claim the other stuff was unimportant. I'm starting to wonder. The sex trigger-y stuff shouldn't exist... I could've underestimated something after all.
