Childhood Am I In Denial Of My Problems?

[ghotiff]

I vascilate between feeling that I'm completely "fine" and normal and then, less often, feeling like I am riddled with problems.

When I'm "fine" I will justify any signs of not being okay on temporary, minor outside forces. Eg. A minor example... if I don't sleep it's because I had too much wine (even though I only had 1 glass) then the next night when I again don't sleep it's because I had curry for dinner (even though curry has no impact on my sleep). Then, I'll see my T and forget to mention that I'm currently not sleeping (even if she asks) because I actually forget, I think because I've got "reasons" so it's not relevant.

Then, I'll have times where I feel overwhelmingly damaged and have visibility and awareness of all my quirks. This typically only lasts for minutes.

The current reason for this thread is that I'm seeing my T tomorrow and history tells me that in the session I will feel "fine" and again waste my time and money.

I thought maybe a solution would be to write out why I know I'm not fine and then show her...but since writing it just now I've gone back into "fine" mode and feel what I wrote is over dramatized etc, even though I only wrote facts, eg hours slept.

Has anyone else felt like this? Does anyone have thoughts or suggestions?

My only thought is that I'm in denial of my problems? But then I think I'm just over dramatizing everything and genuinely beleive I'm "fine".

The reason I posted this in childhood is that it's in childhood that I learnt to hide myself, to keep up a front to support everyone's denial.

 

[Intrepid]

I just quit my job and moved. I go through times of believing it's the best decision, and other times of seeing it as a catastrophe. It's neither, of course.

I thought maybe a solution would be to write out why I know I'm not fine and then show her

I think that is a great idea. Even though your feelings can change quickly, the written record can give your therapist something to work with.

 

[ghotiff]

Past experience tells me that I won't show her what I wrote. And if I did, I'd just feel embarrassed about making a mountain out of a molehill, and then I would downplay everything.

 

[jaccat]

Why don't you tell her that? That you're struggling between knowing what's an isdue and what usn't. Perhaps letting her know will make you feel less afraid to tell her stuff, or even she might help you work out strategies to cope with it.

Feeling like you're blowing things out proportion is pretty common.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that if you have been diagnosed with PTSD, then chances are that you aren't "fine" 24/7 (unless you're in remission, but I think that people posting aren't necessarily in remission as they tend not to stick around and ask for help.)

I think that if you're in therapy, then on some level you aren't "fine" as well. (Why would you seek out therapy if you are "fine"....?)

I don't think its a matter of being dramatic. I think that on some level you are minimizing what's going on in your life. I think you should go to your shrink and discuss THIS very topic, the one that you made this thread on, being your possible minimization of your problems because you feel that you're just being dramatic.

In the land of PTSD, the ups and downs are the name of the game, not the exception. I think this is how the ups and downs play out for you. You go from being fine to being not fine to being fine again. And when you get back to being fine, you minimize your struggles.

 

[GWhizz]

I struggle with this too - I try to will myself to say I'm not doing okay when I'm really at my worst but of course the words that come out are 'yeah I'm fine, I guess'.

I think I need to put some strategy in place to let my T know just how much I minimise things - like when I'm not doing okay I'm very quiet and have little negative to say. In fact I appear well. But in reality I'm not okay. But when I'm doing okay I usually manage to explain the things that bother me.

It makes me so mad as I feel like I'm wasting really valuable time. I wait all week to get some support and it comes and I fail to actually seek the help I need.

I hope you can put some plan in place with your T to help them better understand that you may not always be able to say how you really feel. Maybe there could be an agreement that they could ask a specific question and you respond with one of two answers to show whether or not you're doing okay. Like for me, my T knows that when I say 'I don't know', I really mean 'I don't want to talk about it'. The key is to make a commitment to being fully honest about how you respond to this question.

Hope it goes okay tomorrow.

 

[Chava]

My only thought is that I'm in denial of my problems? But then I think I'm just over dramatizing everything and genuinely beleive I'm "fine".

"Fine" is quite subjective, I think. I was fine for many years of starvation. Diagnosis of anything made no difference. I was okay with how I was because it was impossible for me to imagine any alternative. I might be "fine" now because I take better care of myself. But I don't feel fine...I'm aware of the depth of my distractions and avoidance and just not happy.

I think we can accept some parts of ourselves that are far from perfect. There is a wide spectrum of "okay." It helps me more to focus on what my therapy goals are....where I don't feel fine (like the avoidance, distance from other human beings, pain, and sleep stuff).

So even if your ideas keep shifting, without thinking about it too much do you still have some clear goals for therapy? Not so much in relation to where you aren't okay, but just where you want your life to be better, or your connection to yourself, etc. ??? I feel like my standards keep increasing as I get out of self-hatred. Then many of my patterns don't feel okay but I can't seem to change them. So maybe it's more about what we want to change.

 

[ghotiff]

do you still have some clear goals for therapy? No

Yes and no.

My main goal was to not stuff up my children with my own issues. I feel like maybe I've reached this goal for the moment as my eldest is in his own therapy and my T and I don't discuss my kids that much anymore. A lot of my learning from my T was that I am actually an ok parent.

My other goal is more difficult to define but it's to improve my health. I'm riddled with minor ailments that impact my life. I've done everything medical (and alternative medicine) to help them as much as possible but they all have a psychological element that impacts them.

I thought maybe if I dealt with my past, I would be healthier. I haven't got into my past with my t. I'm not sure why, I think I'm frightened. Last time I went there (with my first T) I ended up in a really dark and scary place and I didn't think I'd make it back out. I know it's meant to get worse before it gets better but if I end up in that dark hole again and either get trapped there or commit suicide, then there won't be a "better" and I will have damaged my kids mental health, which is completely against my main goal. Maybe this is the conversation I need to have with my T. I've had it before though and I resent wasting the time and money getting what feels like nowhere.

 

[Intrepid]

I ended up in a really dark and scary place and I didn't think I'd make it back out.

Makes sense to me. I've been through too many therapists to count. It started with a bad experience with a church based therapy group that really messed things up. After that it took a long time, and just the right circumstances, to be able to open up to therapist enough to do some work. Actually, I've heard that other people with PTSD can have a hard time with therapists even if they don't have a bad experience with them. It might take a long time to be able to trust.

they all have a psychological element that impacts them

Is it possible that the therapy might cost less than further medical bills?

 

[ghotiff]

It might take a long time to be able to trust.

Yeah, this is it. I don't trust enough to let my guard down yet. My T has not done anything scary or wrong and I've been seeing her for about 6mths already. I need to be more patient, I always knew this would be a long process.

 

[Chava]

Maybe this is the conversation I need to have with my T

sounds good

 

[Sandstone]

There's a difference, isn't there, between knowing you're not fine, but replying Yes, I'm Ok" when asked, because that is just what people do , ie

I try to will myself to say I'm not doing okay when I'm really at my worst but of course the words that come out are 'yeah I'm fine, I guess'.

and not actually knowing at the time that you are not fine ie

feeling that I'm completely "fine" and normal

So it's not a case of

you may not always be able to say how you really feel.

It's actually about saying how you feel, but that feeling varying from time to time

Right now, I am absolutely certain that I don't have PTSD, probably only ever had a major stress reaction that was pandered to by family and professionals, and that what I need to do is put my life together in a practical way. My T is doubtful. Time will tell if I'm deluding myself and refusing to see that I'm not "fine". Meanwhile, I'm back to the principle of acknowledging I'm totally terrified, and then getting on with the thing that scares me. It carried me through 50 years, so I think I'll rely on it again.