I am currently in a relationship-- over 2 years. I have PTSD and I have been very much working on mysel...
Sek8568:
Without the full details of the situation it is hard to say for sure... however I do have something to say about this:
"My partner recently informed me that he feels that I haven't worked on myself at all, that we still argue as much as we did before. And that he feels I only have "improved" my relationships with other people and not "us." "
1. What occurred prior to your partner saying these things to you? Where you disagreeing about something? Did he want to have sex, and you didn't? Did these statements seemingly come 100% out-of-the-blue? - Examining the context in which he said these things may be helpful to understanding his true motives.
2. Does he often tell you that you aren't working hard enough? Is this a pattern of behavior? Do you find yourself making similar statements to him?
3. Anyone who makes all-or-nothing statements is usually not in their rational brain. Sometimes taking a break and having a calm discussion is helpful.
4. Is your partner ever willing or able to have a calm discussion about your trauma and treatment?
"Meanwhile, my partner receives to get help for his issues and refuses to come to therapy with me when I ask. His reasoning is "he doesn't feel he needs it, he is fine."
I think you probably know that this is not loving behavior.
Based upon what you have written here, this sounds like a person who only thinks about himself and how
you can be of benefit to
him. Supporting a partner with a lot of trauma (especially trauma which directly impacts the partner) is a lot to ask. That said, when people love each other they usually want to do whatever they can to support their partner to be happier and healthier in their life. Loving people tend to act as cheerleaders to their partners while they focus toward achieving their goals.
I dated two men, one in the past and one currently. I love(d) and admired them both. I felt that both understood me and wanted to be there for me. Both had serious childhood trauma histories for which they had both been in and out of therapy against their will.
Mr. Past was subtly narcissistic. He refused to get help for himself, but always had something to say about me and what
I was doing. He was okay with me going to therapy, but he didn't want any part of it. Sometimes we would talk about things I had re-remembered or that I was currently struggling with. In the moment he would be okay, acting open to discussion and being non-judgmental and supportive. But then I would notice that he brought up some of the things I had shared with him later, only now they were 'weaponized' versions of things I said, designed to trap and control me with my own words. Vestiges of my past would re-surface in new disagreements as justification for us adopting his point of view, doing what he wanted, or in an attempt to get me to minimize his rigid and controlling behaviors. This almost worked. This man almost destroyed me. He still thinks we're friends and sends me emails (which I don't return) looking for in-depth conversation from time to time. In other words, he is a delusional, self-aggrandizing narcissist... a very smart one, but one all the same. Now when I think back to that relationship, I realize that I really wanted it to work. I had fantasies of how we could both be happy and contented with each other if only
I changed. After some therapy and more self-reflection, I re-worked the original fantasy to include my partner and I
both getting help for our issues and then living happily ever after. It was when my partner sensed that I was catching on to the fact that be both needed to be 'fixed' that he started complaining about my going to therapy and about my progress. He started looking up psychiatric disorders online and diagnosing me with them.
Mr. Present has been through a lot, but due to the nature of the things he went through, he is not quite the emotional wreck that I can be day in and out, and appears more normal to the outside. Sex life with Mr. Present is almost non-existent due to SA trauma. Mr. Present knows that one reason I went back to therapy was to help with said sex life. I had recommended to Mr. Present that if he wanted a sex life, it might be helpful for him to learn about how partners can support someone with extensive SA history. He seemed totally disinterested in this, and told me that that seemed like too much work.
One time after I had turned Mr. Present down again after 9 months without sex, he gave me this cold, angry look; so rejected. This in turn triggered my guilt and fear of abandonment for setting personal boundaries regarding sex. So I said,"I know. I know. I'm sorry! But this is why I'm in therapy. I'm trying to make this work. I feel like I've gotten a lot better. I swear it's helping! Just give it a little longer..."
To which he replied,"I thought you were going to therapy so we could be together!? It doesn't really seem like you're improving at all! What are you even doing, just wasting money? I'm just sayin' it doesn't really seem like you've improved at all." I told him that I thought I had made huge leaps, and that my friend (because I only have one) also had mentioned that my mood seemed better. He replied that he strongly disagreed and we argued.
Later that night, my partner came to me and said, "I want to apologize. I had absolutely no right to put my feelings on you. I should not have said that you're not getting better. I should just trust that if you feel that things are getting better for you, that's what really matters. I lost my temper because I was frustrated and feeling bad about myself. When you keep turning me down for sex, it's really hard for me not to blame myself and assume that it's my fault. Sometimes I'm afraid that you're not attracted to me or that I'm just a really bad lover. I'm afraid that you don't want to be with me because of me, so you use your past as an excuse to try to not hurt my feelings."
Once my partner had confessed these things to me we could finally have the real heart-to-heart conversation. Although Mr. Present is still not ready to go back to therapy for himself, he in no way tries to sabotage or dissuade me from therapy. Mr. Present says hurtful things from time-to-time, and doesn't always pay attention to what I'm saying. HOWEVER, he always apologizes and owns his own sh*t. With Mr. Present, things move forward, instead of in never-ending loop, where I'm always made to feel primarily responsible for issues which concern the both of us. To my surprise, Mr. Present actually did decide to educate himself on how he could build intimacy with me. It took months, but it did happen. Mr. Present loves me and wants to hold my hand while I go on this journey, even though it's painful. This is why he's Mr. Present, instead of Mr. Past.
