Am I not capable of being a supporter?

[A13]

My partner is a sufferer and we have been together for now on 5 years. Like all relationships We have had our ups and downs. The latter part of Last year we split for two months and we talked things over and worked things out. (Started couples counselling) I’m unsure if I’m just at burn out or what it is. I’m always here to pick up the pieces when my partner needs it. Usually he’s great but the last few months have been difficult; Christmas period wasn’t great for my other half, he doesn’t like the period. new year and January he’s been distant to say the least. To try to cheer him up I booked a little romantic trip to Poland which he felt very anxious around foreign speakers and was triggered making him really snappy and basically put a bit of a downer on the ‘romantic trip’ I understood this so I let it go.
He has just started EMDR on his last few sessions so I know this is a very big deal.
I work a very stressful job and this last few weeks just needed to come home for him to put his arms round me and just give me a hug. This week I’ve felt a bit resentful that I have no support when I need it. I’m exhausted being the strong one, running everything in the house, managing the finances on top of Working full time.
I am just starting to wonder, am I just not cut out for this supporter role. It makes me sad to even think that but does anyone else ever feel that or am I just not capable of it... I just feel close to burn out and my tolerance level is low and I don’t know what’s wrong ?. The thought has crossed my mind was getting back on track a mistake? I love this man soo much I really really do but damn this is hard sometimes....

 

[Sweetpea76]

Compassion fatigue and caregiver burnout are very very real.

I’d say you’re capable... you’ve been a supporter for years. I’m sure you’re doubting yourself because you’re feeling pretty used up right now. You’re not a machine.

Maybe it’s time for a little self care and relaxation? He doesn’t always have to be the priority.

 

[A13]

Thanks for the words sweetpea. It helps to hear that!!

 

[EveHarrington]

This week I’ve felt a bit resentful that I have no support when I need it.

Is it that you never get any support ever, or do you just not get support when he is symptomatic? (Like right now.)

Do you have other people in your life that you can get support from?

 

[Sweetpea76]

When our partners are symptomatic and not capable of support, logically we get it. 99% of the time it isn’t a problem. We made a choice to be in a relationship where this is a factor. We love them and we accept them for who they are.

It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt sometimes. Especially if your partner is symptomatic for extended periods of time.

This is what burnout and compassion fatigue is. You make allowances and give support no matter what, but your partner isn’t capable of doing the same for you? The first 20 times it happens it may roll off your back, but it may get upsetting the 21st time. Even if you understand why, that shit gets hard at times. We’re human. Then add the guilt for feeling like this... adding to the burnout.

This is reality for long term supporters. That’s why self care is so critical. Also why it’s important to learn that occasionally feeling like this is normal and OK. It doesn’t make us bad partners or selfish people.

 

[Freida]

This is reality for long term supporters. That’s why self care is so critical. Also why it’s important to learn that occasionally feeling like this is normal and OK. It doesn’t make us bad partners or selfish people.

I'm the sufferer in our relationship and until I came here I had NO IDEA what life was like for my supporters. NONE. zero, zip, nada
Things that I did when I was really symptomatic -- like taking off when I was stressed -- made perfect sense to me. If I was able to even remember I had a supporter I would think taking off was helping them - because they didn't have to deal with me. It was damn humbling to realize the pain I was causing. Is this something you can talk about in couples counseling? How to communicate better to him what it looks like from yours side? I'm not sure he will get it but it might be worth a try. There were many heads banging on keyboards from the supporters here trying to get it thru my head :laugh: but it might open up a conversation on what he can do to make you feel cared for even when he is symptomatic.

Just a side note --- EMDR can be brutal. As in puke in the Ts office brutal. When I come out of a session it takes about 24 hours before I can function again and in the meantime I am.... lets say cranky because that sounds way better than bitch woman from hell. :laugh: So that might be something to talk also. How do you both cope if his sessions turn out like mine what can both of you do to mitigate it