Am I Projecting

[Fadeaway]

My husband has qualifying traumas, but swears he don't have the symptoms of ptsd if you don't count the shear terror he has when it comes to sex. I am pretty sure he suffered more serious sexual abuse than he is willing to admit, and I would bet good money it was his dad. The closest I have ever gotten to an acknowledgement was one day when I caught him off guard and he snapped "who would I tell when my dad WAS the police?!" Denial ever since. Fine, what he admits his ex did was bad enough. I hope that is all it is.

Well latley he has been having this recovered memory / flashback like thing. Only he says they aren't related to traumatic events. Things like him saying "I could have just sworn I was driving down the road in my old town." He also mention a vivid "recovered memory" of him going to the store but can't remember what store or why. All the other details are fuzzy but slowly coming back.

Then yesterday he was telling me about how his life was for the first 7 years after the accident that took away the use of his arm. He was telling me who he would be in class one minute blink, find himself at home with no memory of anything in between and then blink again and be in class.I told him that sounded like dissociation but he just insisted that it wasn't dissociation but missing time.:banghead::banghead::banghead: His explanation was that his shot term memory wasn't being filed away into long term memory. :whistling: And I wonder why I have such a difficult time explaining my symptoms to him.

One thing to keep in mind is that my husband has genius IQ and is know for his godmode like edictic memory.

I don't know, am I trying to imagine he has PTSD, could my PTSD be affecting him? Why doesn't he have it and I do is a question that comes up a lot. It would knocking him out and dragging him to a psycologist to have him evaluated, so that option is out.

 

[Gs172003]

I don't know but are you two in counseling together?

 

[Gs172003]

As far as the why you and not him....


PTSD is mostly women...most people with trauma don't get it...as Friday has said over and over not every issue with trauma is PTSD. That's just a start.

 

[Knak]

The preponderate advice is not to try to diagnose him yourself, but only by a professional. He obviously has dissociative disorder - qualify - I am not a doctor.

I too have a "genius" IQ and learned to hide deficiencies but not heal. I majored in psychology and counselling trying to find answers. Professional diagnoses have rarely been accurate or helpful. I find no help from therapists less informed or analytical than I am and it gets frustrating and costly and can be demeaning, so I don't blame him in that sense.

I am diagnosed as complex. It is physical and emotional. Personally it has been impossible to find someone who can see through the myriad of junk in my head to identify what factors control my behavior, but I get bits and pieces I can put together. If he won't do that then there's not much you can do, but what you describe is not projecting.

I have CPTSD, high functioning autism, and possible borderline. My husband of 30 years has caused me horrendous problems because he won't/can't admit he has any faults, and he is very manipulative and abusive to me. I knew from the day we married I would kill myself if I didn't stay a step ahead of him. Now I behave in ways that are harmful to others as well as myself, but if I left him I know from experience that I wouldn't be able to function or support myself due to inevitable devastation, along with his continued destructive tactics. I admit I need him for financial reasons but the cost is still negative, just less so than being without it.

This is just to give you a heads up that if your husband denies he needs help and you shoulder his burden, it could cause you more damage, however I believe if his memories are coming forward it is a sign of healing. He needs to get the right feedback.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, just my experiences. I can identify with some of your situation and have compassion for what you are facing.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Fadeaway Honestly I think a lot of men function very well in the land of denial. If not, then their ego gets knocked down a notch or two and we all know they dislike that big time.

My advice as always when it comes to other people's shit, even spouses, is to let them deal with it themselves, until they ask for help. If they don't, they don't.....

 

[Abstract]

Goodness. He certainly sounds traumatised to an extent to at least. And very obviously is in denial.

You are in a very tricky spot. Very sad for him and not helpful for you. I guess the problem is that we can only go as fast as we can go. Its taken me a long time to start accepting that for myself. Whatever it is that stops us has to reduce enough for change to start. :banghead:

To me it sounds like PTSD could potentially be happening. I hope its OK to say but the dissociative stuff had me laugh! The tricks our minds play to avoid what we don't want to see. He has all those brains conspiring with him too!

What do you think the avoidance consists of? Is it "just" ( :( ) avoidance of trauma and reality (and everything related) or are there personality traits involved? Refusal to be seen as vulnerable, pride, inability to ask for help etc.

I don't think you are effecting him. The things he is dealing with are to do with his own past. Why you and not him if he doesn't have it? Million dollar question. So many factors can be involved but I understand asking. I do that a lot. So many things but regardless it isn't your fault.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sort of thinking out loud here.

We went to counseling almost a year ago, but that is because we almost split up due to my PTSD. I never considered the possibility of my husband having PTSD until he started talking about these flashes of memory he was all of the sudden having episodes of thinking he was driving in his old town. It was a car accident that took the use of his right arm. He was driving and was hit by a drunk driver. Related?

I just don't know..this new information thru me for a loop. We have been under immense stress lately. He lost his job a wile back and while he is working again we were 2 1/2 months without any income outside of my SSDI which doesn't even cover rent. So we have been faced with threats of eviction. and electric shutoff notices because we are so behind. He takes money issues so damn personal.I can see how our current situation could be triggering things he has repressed.

I don't think he has any personality disorders but he does have a passive aggressive streak, which I have learned to manage unless I am highly symptomatic. He also doesn't handle my panic attacks well, as he responds with frustraion most of the time, but he is making an effort.

He has had what I would swear were panic attacks himself, but he insists they are asthama attacks, which he has, but these episodes don't look anything like asthma.

The only thing he will openly admit to is extreme grief from not being able to complete med school due to his arm because becoming a Dr. was his sole identity. Personally, I think it was his parents plan and he never had a option of seeing himself as anything but. He is so passionate about being a teacher it is impossible for me to imagine him being that passionate about medicine.

PTSD is mostly women...most people with trauma don't get it...as Friday has said over and over not every issue with trauma is PTSD. That's just a start.

Yeah, I know. we just tend to discuss it alot. Things like the fact that he felt very supported after his accident verus the fact that I felt very isolated and alone and how that factored into how we each responded to our trauma.

 

[Gs172003]

Sort of thinking out loud here.

We went to counseling almost a year ago, but that is because we almos...

He will have to get help on his own time. As long as he's not hurting you, you can't do anything. You can't force help on anybody as much as it sucks.

 

[Sideways]

Iust throwing a couple of ideas into the mix: hubby could be displaying post traumatic symptoms but not the extent that he would be considered to have PTSD? That would be a good thing if he has a history of sexual abuse, is beginning to process that (maybe due to the recent financial stress), but function isn't being impacted to the extent that it's become a disorder. That would allow him to perhaps address his symptoms and his past, but isn't necessarily going to mean that he'll get the whole lot of symptoms you're dealing with, or to the severity that you experience.

Blackouts as a kid? Isn't necessarily dissociation...

Re the comment about grief from his car accident - it's possible that there could be an adjustment disorder issue rather than ptsd going on there (or other things, or both)...

And it could also be that he's really stressed right now. Recovering from serious financial harship is a big deal, all by itself, and potentially especially so if he's super smart, tells himself he "should" he earning a doctor's salary to keep you both in good financial shape etc.

It sounds like there's been a lot of stress for you both in recent times. I don't think I'd necessarily leap straight to ptsd if he's mulling on the way his life turned out and the childhood memories associated with that. Sometimes people go through periods of reflection, grief for bits of their past, and it's just part of the journey of aging and coping with stressors and change.

Don't get me wrong though: I think the fact that you notice (and take the time to think about) this stuff happening with him is great. Just trying to offer some alternative options that might not sound so permanent or disastrous...

Either way, I hope that there's a bit of happiness coming soon for the 2 of you soon:)

 

[Sideways]

And to add: if hubby is super smart, and has been through financial struggles recently, that would potentially be really tough for him. Depression or anxiety as a consequence? Would make a lot of sense (and some people naturally heal from that).

There's a lot of social pressure on bright people. Super smart people often get sent the message that being really smart should make their life a breeze. That they should be able to get a great, high paying job, fly through a brilliant career, deal with life easier and more effectively than everyone else, etc.

If hubby is going through some personal struggles right now with feelings like he's failed? He should have made more of his life? Where did I go wrong? What screwed it all up? They're big, difficult questions for a person to have to confront and deal with. The personal reflection and grief and anxiety that would go along with that could be really profound.

I don't want to sound like I'm trying to minimise what he's been through. Abuse as a child would make all those questions even tougher for a person to deal with.

Just thinking that going straight to ptsd, even with CSA in his past - he may well be seriously struggling with big issues right now. That will take time and patience, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's got ptsd to look forward to, you know?

 

[aut555]

You have to stay really grounded right now to weather this current storm. Then you may try to see if he would come to this site, because we all will tell him to see a therapist. Mention a lot of sexual abuse by family members here, sadly a selling point. That he may gleam some tidbits of truth with no out of pocket expense. Wish the best for you, stay positive.

 

[Abstract]

From what you say I do think it''s quite possible he doesn't have PTSD and is rather affected by the past trauma. I can understand why it would throw you. Especially since you both and your relationship have been under such pressure. But anyone would be thrown by the possibility if its a loved one.

I know for me that I have projected a couple of times with people. My sister and closest friend particularly. In truth I can now see that my sister has been very damaged by trauma but doesn't have PTSD and my friend was suffering normal trauma symptoms after an event and after a couple of months is back to normal. She was seeing graphic intrusions after and that got me totally.

The most concerning symptoms you mention to my mind are the terror of sex. The thing to remember too is the depersonalisation (if that caused his missing in action symptoms at the time) is a totally normal reaction to stress and very common with people who have anxiety depression etc or experience a stressor.

I f he wasn't in denial about all this affecting him (whatever that effect may be) it would obviously be great for him to have some treatment and to try and resolve it. Especially since it seems he is at least traumatised to an extent. Its a tricky one as I suspect we can have some symptoms when we have experienced trauma without being full blown and maybe it always stays at that level or even improves. And then other times it just breaks down and comes out full blown later (I know that has been the case for me in the past). I'm concerned that anything I don't deal with could come back and get me later on (of there is a later on) when I may have even less resources (of all types) than I have now.

I always think there is something a bit off about adjustment disorders as it seems to me that people who have experiences criterion a trauma and who are showing some real signs of clinical trauma but are sub threashhold potentially have a risk (very small or large) of delayed onset PTSD popping up later. It seems to me that these people should be dealt with differently to someone who is showing signs of long term effect (not clinical trauma signs) from normal life events. It seems like a weakness in the diagnoses to me and that they have jiust created it as a catch all to deal with little and big t trauma in a way that can get insurance companies on board. JMHO.

But your chap doesn't even want to admit to having a panic attack so there is not much that can be done in that department at the moment! I just hope that all the present stress doesn't dislodge all the skeletons in the cupboard for him. Or maybe that would make him deal with it.

Wasm't meaning that he have a personaility disorder with my questions about personality by the way. Just thinking that if some of it is personality then I personally think its much more appropriote to challenge it than if its denial. If that makes sense. Although we all cope in different ways and I think we have to be careful about messing with that when clinical trauma has been in the past.

If he does have ptsd then what do you think that would mean for you? What all is going through your mind to do with this?