Am I Wrong For Going Around His Therapist?

[lostforgottensoul]

I have complex trauma, went on for 13 yrs, started at age 6, Ive done EMDR. I only did it once as it caused a flashback but that reaction isnt normal, was a few yrs back, and my therapist is talking about going back to it.

From this article alone EMDR Therapy for PTSD and Complex PTSD (CPTSD) states claims of brain damage (though much still unknown) is in the minority. Most have no issues with it at all.

Yes, the therapist needs to be EMDR trained but so as long as they are, and Id say, he controls the pace, there is very little risk.

I researched EMDR for a long time before submitting to do a session and even after a bad experience, I am ok with doing it again.

He does need to be free of drugs as it is memory processing and so he needs to be clear minded.

More information: EMDR Institute – EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING THERAPY or google EMDR to do research.

I agree, the EMDR therapist is just going to interview him. They cant dive into EMDR until they know your history and trauma.

 

[Abstract]

What you say now changes everything for me. I didn't understand it that way at all before. Sometimes how something reads isn't how it was written because we can't fit all information into a small amount of text and tend to notice one aspect of the info more. I know a lot of people on this thread feel very strongly that complex trauma and EMDR are never safe I however do know people who have found it helpful. It is no longer thought to be off limits for complex trauma. as it was at the beginning. It just has to be approached differently. If he is the one that is moving this forward, has done the research himself and feels this is right for him then that;s different. What really concerned me was the possibility of him doing this before he was ready. I hear you that you are merely helping him rather than being the one that is in the driving seat of his treatments.

What you describe now is the opposite of avoidant. Maybe you meant it in terns of conflict. IDK. Doing way more work in a period of time than is usual is the opposite of avoidant. Wanting to do EMDR is too. His being much worse at present is absolutely normal and to be expected if he is working hard in therapy.

As She Cat said, I hope he is able to give her a clear outline of what he has in the past and what he may not have yet looked at. And that he more or less knows what is there. Single trauma tends to be straightforward but with complex people have sometimes laid down very complex and sophisticated coping mechanisms. EMDR opens that door into the brain completely and all sorts comes out. That can be helpful if the person has enough coping skills to deal with the backlash. When it isn't helpful is if what comes up exceeds someones ability to cope or if the amount of trauma is too large to safely be accessed like that - for that person.

The more complex defence mechanisms in place, the more complex the trauma the more careful preparation and coping skills need to be in place. This would need a very experienced EMDR therapist and not just someone who is qualified.

The other thing that's worthwhile him considering is if he is able to pace himself well (since you said he has sped through more work than is usual). The very most important thing with trauma processing is that we don't end up retraumatising ourselves.

Red flags would be if the t doesn't spend enough time getting a clear picture of his past and if they don't work on safety and coping first. And making sure he is able to turn to healthy coping (enough) when things get bad.

Another good sign is if they suggest using something very small and non traumatic in the first EMDR session.

What you should expect from the first session? The same aftermath as in any other therapy as they would never ever do EMDR first session. For me just being there is enough to send me symptom land though! I hope it helps him.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

One thing that's jumping out to me here is that the OP has stated she's made an EMDR appointment...

Duly noted! :) And yes, this is just an initial appointment. It's up to him and the EMDR therapist to figure it all out. I'm just the person who made the phone call.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree with @Abstract

A good therapist is going to let him drive the EMDR session and be sure he feels relaxed and safe (the longest time frame for my session) before ever starting.

I experienced a flashback and jumped backwards over the chair and hundled in a corner. My therapist moved the chair and got on his knees and talked me out of it and then further, made sure I was ok to leave before he let me leave.

So in first appointments should be trauma history gathering and talks about coping skills, if any.

My normal therapist is EMDR trained so that last part was different for me then for just EMDR therapists. But most on the board state they do spend a fair amount of time on that. It cant be dive right in as they have to have some history to even do it.

I wouldnt say EMDR and complex trauma are off limits. Its just the more complex, the more symptoms will appear but it is memory processing so for each bad memory, there should be expected a symptom or more.

The view of EMDR and complex trauma being off limits isnt something I ran across on the board since Ive been here (last Dec) but even after a bad experience, I get why I had that experience, in a completely different mindspace today so the experience will be different. I also have a ton more coping skills. Id say the best of them all are DBT, in my opinion.

 

[joeylittle]

C) You scheduled an appointment on behalf of your boyfriend, which means that the T you scheduled with found this perfectly acceptable, which is a red flag for how qualified the T is and, many have pointed out, a pretty damn slippery slope for your to be engaging at such a close level with your boyfriend's responsibilities to his mental health.

I want to underscore this.

First off, it's a big confidentiality breach, on the therapist's part. Your boyfriend is not a minor. Nor is he your husband. You have no legal standing in the relationship (unless you are covered by a common-law clause in your state). Basically, the therapist should not have booked the appointment.

More importantly: it's one thing to help and support, even to the extreme - but it's another thing entirely to take over someone else's care. If your boyfriend isn't able to participate in the planning of his own care, there's very little chance that he will be successful at it. I can tell you are coming from a very proactive and supportive stance, but you are doing his recovery a disservice by being too involved with his treatment strategy.

A more appropriate move would have been to sit with him and research possibilities for an adjunct therapist. Let him take the lead. And he needs to make the call.

If your belief is that it will never ever get done that way - then, I suggest that you immediately talk with him about inpatient treatment options. It doesn't sound like he is happy with his continuity of care at the VA. If he's self-medicating with psychedelics, he's really messing with his already messed-with brain. And if he can't take on some of the responsibility in getting himself well, he should go inpatient, because that's a big reason they are there - they are there for people who can't take themselves through a traditional therapy arc, but instead, need to get some intensive treatment first, so they have a platform they can stand on when they continue, later.

Final suggestion: if he is interested in alternative therapies, it's worth looking into www.clinicaltrials.gov for trials in alternative PTSD treatments, both in your area, and residential trials that he could get to.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Justmehere]

You mentioned he is self medicating. This could be also playing a role in his symptoms worsening. He's not in good shape to begin EMDR and a good EMDR therapist who is trained in working with people with substance use problems will realize that he is not ready... if your boyfriend is actually honest with them.

He's not going to be able to get through treatment until the self medicating is tackled with the trauma. Doing trauma work right now is simply going to fuel the self medicating which is going to fuel the symptoms which is going to fuel the self medicating... and around and around the cycle goes.

A trauma centered dual diagnosis inpatient program might be a fitting step to explore - especially with how unstable he is right now. I know of two decent ones in the US who treat current and former military for both combat and childhood trauma and with a good balanced focus on the trauma and addiction at the same time. Feel free to send me a PM if you would like the names.

I'm concerned about him and this situation. What strikes me is how much he isn't taking responsibility and you evade his taking responsibility as well. He seems desperate, but then is regularly rescheduling appointments. You blame the VA and I agree, they generally stink and it's probably wise to look for more comprehensive treatment to address all the trauma outside the VA.

But you don't seem to hold him accountable for his actions much. If he reschedules with the VA, or any other provider, even when dealing with severe symptoms, then there's a natural built in consequence that it's going to take time to get in again - especially with really good therapists. With the VA he knows he's gonna have to wait another 10 days for another appointment but still cancels and then uses substances to control symptoms. But you only seem to blame the VA. No expression of the reality that he has some responsibility in the delays in care too.

You can circumvent the VA all you want.

It's not going to work to circumvent his need to take responsibility for his own recovery.

It can be ok for supporters to help a sufferer research options, give rides, etc... but going to the lengths that you are instead of him doing the work, things like making the appointment for him -- this changes your role from supporter to caretaker. Many people struggling with self medicating symptoms of PTSD have people in their lives who are co-dependently caretaking them - doing things for the sufferer that they can or should do themselves or should be allowed to struggle with doing.

This unintentionally enables suffers to stay stuck and to struggle more.

Your heart and care and concern is to be commended. You are taking steps that are well meaning but going a little too far. It's a really super common mistake and nothing to feel bad about, and none of the situation he is in is your fault at all - but your efforts to avoiding his responsibility for his own recovery is something to work on changing in order for him to have the best shot at getting better.

Now's the time for you to learn to let go a little. Instead of making appointments for him, give him a list of options. Then it's his choice. If he continues to spiral and become suicidial, call the crisis line and they can decide if a welfare check or mobile crisis is warranted. Set boundaries with the drug use.
Let the professionals and him drive his care.

And when you feel super concerned about how he is doing, consider the crisis team for decisions about emergent support for him and good self care and building up a good support network for you.

 

[NaeNae75]

You mentioned he is self medicating. This could be also playing a role in his symptoms worsening. He...

I agree with this post 1 million percent! Once again, well constructed thoughts, @Justmehere.