Amnesia - Did You Find That The Person That Harmed You Was Different To Who You Thought?

[Abstract]

Yes, but for now just not as badly as in the past. It was really bad 1-2 years ago.

Thank you for sharing this! I really do judge how little I seem to be able to manage and how I react. I am sorry that this is what happened before and what happens now. I would like to come back to some of the things you have said in your reply but am taking a little break. Just wanted to thank you though.

 

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I really hate my brain. Would like someone elses pretty please.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I really hate my brain. Would like someone elses pretty please.

I'm not so sure this is the ideal place for trading it. ;)

 

[Abstract]

not so sure this is the ideal place for trading it.

Ha! Probably not, RG! :DStill don't want mine though...

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for sharing Whirlwind.

I am very calm and collected to people - very cerebral but it floats on a sea

That is me too. In the past I didn't accept there was a sea churning beneath. Now, more and more I am forced to accept that I am not the cool as a cucumber person I thought I was. Accept that a lot of it was and is dissociation.

Now I know that isn't an accurate statement and that's where I am missing too much

I am sorry. You have a good approach to it.

I wanted to say something more definite but I can't. So pathetic and frustrating.

My flashbacks are almost absent now but partly because I took a break from therapy, including visiting here, it was way too much for me, I thought I was cracking up. I was very hard on myself for stepping away from "healing

In the last month or so my symptoms have calmed down quite a lot.

I have been out of therapy for two years now and have only had 15 sessions in the last 3 or so. Therapy itself without anything added was sending me down what felt like a slide to insanity. The interpersonal environment seemed to be the cherry on top that was sending me over the edge. It also coincided with the trauma rearing its head.

I have stepped way back for about a year or so and it has helped me a lot. I vacillate between intense hatred and judgement of my cowardice and thinking it as what I needed to do. That I would have been harmed by doing therapy or delving into trauma whilst in that state.

How to convince myself to do what I need to do and inevitably end up with a deluge of symptoms again I don't know. I have skills and knowledge to deal with it better but trauma will come with the baggage no matter what.

I like that you knew what was right for you and that you have gained from it. Well done for that. I am sorry you were so hard on yourself and understand that.

 

[Whirlwind]

and judgement of my cowardice and thinking it as what I needed to do. That I would have been harmed by doing therapy or delving into trauma whilst in that state.

I tend to agree. I remember once I had an injury and physical therapy was terrible nothing was helping. Until I took a break, then voila - huge improvement! Not that the therapists were poor, my muscles just needed to rest. Deep down I suspected as much I don't think this is any different, now I know so in my case.

If you were a coward you would have thrown in the towel. Today, despite everything I haven't thrown myself off of a bridge, become an addict or abused a soul in this world. I'm sure you can say your own truths and none of those reflect cowardice but an admirable spirit.

We're the same age. It absolutely infuriates me to accept that this has been lurking and despite my attempts to avoid some of the pitfalls, I still fell in and I realize I let it dictate my life. It isn't/wasn't fair and some days I pity my maker when we meet, I am so enraged in some moments.

I fell into a big pitfall and essentially decimated my world in complete angst, LOL. I'm still struggling with a big one and not sure what to do....so if anything, please do not think you are the only one, or "behind" the healing curve somehow.

My trauma nearly blew me apart when it emerged, and of course at the worst possible moment, critical decisions were made...and I made so many bad ones. Understandable looking back but the consequences are very real.

Yup, so I have big heavy baggage. For what it is worth, I think we all do as life unfolds.

I'm not so sure this is the ideal place for trading it. ;)

Good one, LOL

Take care and keep talking if it is helping, Whirlwind