Relationship Anger issues

[BlackHole33]

My sufferer boyfriend gets angry at the drop of a hat without any real rhyme or reason as to why and usually ends up taking it out on me. I get that anger often goes hand in hand with PTSD, but what can be done about it? It's dragging our entire relationship down and is getting to the point where I don't even want to be around him. After our last argument yesterday (which essentially was just him getting mad over nothing again), I let him know exactly how I've been feeling but haven't heard back from him. I'm worried he's depressed. A lot of his reactions seem really irrational. And I know I'm not the only one. A psychiatrist also told him he's severely depressed after he went for a psych eval a few months ago, but I don't think he wants to take any medication for it. I'm at a loss.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can’t do anything... he has to work on that.

All you can do is refuse to engage and remove yourself from the situation. Make that a boundary.

 

[blackemerald1]

I get that anger often goes hand in hand with PTSD, but what can be done about it?

^Yeah ppl get angry about lots of things. It's not exclusive or necessarily worse with ptsd. I'd challenge that belief a little bit more if I was you. Dealing with anger regardless of its source is necessary.

A psychiatrist also told him he's severely depressed after he went for a psych eval a few months ago, but I don't think he wants to take any medication for it.

^His choice in terms of treatment. That doesn't mean he can take out his depression/anger on you though. He does need to deal with and take responsibility for his own psychiatric health.

My sufferer boyfriend gets angry at the drop of a hat without any real rhyme or reason as to why and usually ends up taking it out on me.

^This is not cool and not ok. You are not there for his bad temper outbursts regardless of the reason. I agree with @Sweetpea76 .

Take care of yourself.

 

[BlackHole33]

He's a combat veteran so anger is a common PTSD symptom among this demographic, or at least that's what I was told in our PTSD class. But yes, either way, it's his problem and his responsibility if he ever hopes to have a semi-healthy relationship.

 

[candor]

Everyone has a different level of what they can tolerate in terms of anger. I don’t loose my temper or raise my voice. I express my anger when the charge or the emotion is no longer with me. I am consistent and have been for years. He still tries to pick fights with me but as soon as his voice is raised or distorted in irritation, I let him know that I will see him when he is doing better. Consistently, I walk away. To me it is like hearing a school bell that lets me know that playtime is over. I disengage and don’t take it personal. I don’t think about if it is his ptsd, or just him or a combination. He understands now that I do this to take care of me. Four or five years later, he has begun expressing his anger and I try to listen and not interrupt him when he does. I don’t expect the anger for no reason at all to ever go away. It is a part of him. I have explained to him that for personal health reasons, that anger can never be a part of us. I don’t think it helps me to speculate how much is under his control or not. It helps to walk away.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He's a combat veteran so anger is a common PTSD symptom among this demographic, or at least that's what I was told in our PTSD class.

Very true.

Yeah ppl get angry about lots of things. It's not exclusive or necessarily worse with ptsd. I'd challenge that belief a little bit more if I was you.

This gets tricky with combat vets. They were trained to “fight” in fight/flight situations. A lot of times they’re not going to tend to crumple in a corner or fawn, they’re more likely to stand their ground or lash out. Not that it excuses it. He needs to learn to manage that.

I don’t engage with mine. If he starts in I exit the situation until he calms down. He has learned I do not engage, and he has gotten much better than he was. “I love you, but I’m not going to stand here and be yelled at or intimidated.”

 

[Freida]

Anger may be the result of ptsd but not getting therapy/meds/whatever to address it is a choice.
One he is making.
Until he takes responsibility for his healing he is not going to change
Therapy is a nightmare.
But so is his taking is aggression out on those around him.
So the question becomes ---- what will you allow?
The role of a supporter is to support us thru the tough times
That does NOT include bearing the brunt of our temper tantrums.
It's a two way street.
You put up with our struggles and we do the work to try to get better.
If only one of you is holding up your end of the bargin then it's time for some adjustments

 

[lostforgottensoul]

All you can do is refuse to engage and remove yo

This! Totally this!

I had blind range explosions. What made that worse is them following me when I did try to get away and not disenaging. If they just disengaged and walked away and refused to talk to me in that state, it would of been a hell of a lot better. Not blaming them. That is so my fault. But, that made it a thousand times worse!

So, disengage. Stop talking and just walk away. And make that your boundry. I will not talk to you in this state. I will not enagage in conversation until you calm down. Everytime you are like this, I will walk away. And then do just that.

 

[Mach123]

I want to tell you how great you are and sympathise with your sufferer at the same time which is not really possible.

My wife and I stayed married and sometimes I think it's because on some level she is actually more of a mental case than I am. She'd have to be to put up with what she went through with me and still is. We are a family though and we never stopped trying, hard as it's always been.

Knowing what's going on is something at least. We didn't even know for the first twenty years.

I just want to acknowledge what you're doing.

We have handicapped daughters with severe autism. I still have to make that effort all the time. They "take it out on us" but it's not them, they have a condition.

It doesn't make it easy to deal with.

 

[Hojay]

What made that worse is them following me when I did try to get away and not disenaging. If they just disengaged and walked away and refused to talk to me in that state, it would of been a hell of a lot better.

That’s super hard to do sometimes and also puts the responsibility on the supporter. My ex and I had this issue all the time. Essentially, me learning to disengage turned into him being able to say and do whatever he wanted and me staying silent and just letting it happen. If i didn’t, we would be talking about nothing else but my response to his outbursts for the next days/weeks. Never mind how inappropriate his outburst was in the first place. It is still the biggest mindf*ck of them all, because he used my obvious struggle to let his anger slide sometimes as ammunition against me. So, disengagement can quickly become doormat behavior if the sufferer isn’t also actively working on their dysregulation.

 

[candor]

So, disengagement can quickly become doormat behavior if the sufferer isn’t also actively working on their dysregulation.

It sounds really tough what you went through Hojay. Four years of disengaging has paid off for me. I feel as much anger as I would watching something on Netflix. I feel nothing. These outburst come completely out of the blue and he looks so ashamed and horrified. We went through a period where it was the norm for him to rage almost everytime we met and I never gave up on him. We have had 4 long dates the past two month with no rage....just pleasant conversation...He didn’t think it was possible and he claims he is in a depression. I used to feel manipulated. I use to feel like a doormat. But he just couldn’t force me to fight. I think he is actively working on his disregulation. Our relationship is platonic. It is the best it has ever been because he has become hopeful that he can as I keep telling him “talk it through”. It is hard work. It is tiny tiny steps. I feel so much gratitude and he has inadvertently taught me so much about relationships with difficult people. I am a lot more easy going and cheerful around him than I would normally be so as to not stress him. But even that is starting to feel normal. Every case is different. Learning to diffuse anger is however a useful skill for us all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So, disengagement can quickly become doormat behavior if the sufferer isn’t also actively working on their dysregulation.

This is the key. You have to be able to talk about the outburst and the issues that caused it after the fact... if not it just turns into a constant screaming match every time the supporter opens their mouth.