Anger Management

[Deleted member 541]

Cragger,

I have been on break from the forum, and ALL of my friends for a 2 week period due to anger....It's been brewing for 3 months since an old friend of mine died, and then 3 months of added stress from situations that I felt I had little or no control over....

My way of managing anger, may or may not be healthy, but for me it works. I isolate(as not to hurt the people I care about) and step back from the anger, and situation. During this time, I try to figure out what I had control over, and what I didn't...... What I didn't have control over I try to find a way to *let it go*, what I DID have control over(but didn't see at the time) I try to find a way to not let it happen again, and I try to learn from the whole process.

When you let the anger get to the point that you feel like exploding, then you have let it take over. It starts to consume your every thought, and the anger becomes you.......It has control over you, and your behavior. At least for me, in the past this is what has happened. I now don't let it get to that point, I step back from it and work on it from that point.

I hope this helps some.....

 

[Dylan]

Hi Cragger,

First, I know that for me I can't reason myself out of anger - particularly not situations that trigger old "anger trash" and keeps coming and coming, like some River Styx.

I know you're somewhat familiar with the Solution Method, right?
Well, for me, a down and dirty, no-holds-barred cycle will help me get rid of the poison (not that anger is poison at all, but the long-term buried stuff that's festered becomes poison to me, becoming unbalanced anger [hostility, rage, even hopelessness & despair]).

The trick is that it must be uncensored, and to take the reasoning mind completely out of it (during the angry/sad/afraid/guilty portion). Feelings only. Short, choppy, feeling-brain type words (the feeling brain is not high reasoning, so it wouldn't be, "I'm FURIOUS because she is just not taking responsibility and doing what she promised". It would be I HATE IT THAT SHE'S NOT DOING _____! I HATE it that I can't count on her!" etc.

For super high energy rage, getting the physical energy out seems to help, as well. I have employed a baseball bat on the bed during the "angry" portion. It's very satisfying to hit the bed with every "hate" as in:

I F***G HATE IT (WHAP!!) that she did that!
I HATE IT (WHAP!!) that she hurt me!
I HATE IT (WHAP!!) that she beat me!

It's only after full and complete emotional (angry/sad/afraid/guilty)expression (a feeling of relief and of being somehow "lighter" comes on) that I can re-employ my higher reasoning and move on with my "cycle" (where I look at my unreasonable expectations, put reasonable expectations in place, give myself some powerful/positive encouragement, face the essential pain of the situation as well as get the satisfaction of the "earned reward" of accepting that basic pain; then I get to the practicalities of "what do I need" and "do I need support?").

Cycling has done more for me, truly, than any other method because it gets to the limbic brain, where all that (usually unconscious) wiring resides. If I don't get to the limbic system, I don't get lasting change.

HTH!
Dylan

P.S. My partner has 70% disability with fairly constant, severe pain. She was injured on the job and went through what sounds like very similar experiences with lawyers, insurance company representatives; it was very, very tough....

 

[cragger65]

She Cat & Dylan, thank you both for your very helpful posts. Seperating what is and is not (or was not) in my control seems a very fruitful excercise. I am going to work on that. I tend to get caught up in beating myself to ratshit for what I "should have done". Gotta strain that out. I am very sorry to hear of your friend's death, I have never had to deal with that one yet, and I can only imagine what a struggle that must be for you. Thank you doubly for taking the time to respond.

And Dylan, yes I did use the Solution method on this one, and it did help. By the time I got to it, there was a lot of guilt and fear about how my anger might have affected other relationships, including ones on this board. I printed it out and found about 10 thinking distortions in what I had wrote. Maybe not the way it is intended to be used, but I found it helpful and eye opening. Thanks for pointing me to that one. The baseball bat sounds terrrific!!! Gotta get me one, I think. That and set up my punching bag.

Thanks guys,
Dave

 

[patrick]

She Cat and Dylan,

Why is it that anything either of you post resonates so profoundly with me? From what I can tell, you handle anger a little differently than each other, but both of your methods make such perfect sense to me. And in practical, useful techniques and language easy to understand. You are both a great resource to this forum. I sure hope you stick around for a while.

Pat

 

[Irton Pike]

Some anger is OK. Anger is part of life. I feel angry about lots of things. My major problem with anger is very similar to yours cragger, if i get angry, EVERYONE is out to get me. Well, most people.

The best things i have done for anger management are joining a running club, walking learning to have compassion for myself (still learning) and writing down what makes me angry and going through the CGT method looking for a rationaal ANGRY/ASSERTIVE rational response to the situation without going on the emotional whirlwwind


Now, Having said that I got pretty stressed/angry about my return to work (where my main antagonist is). I was on a biot of a frenzy, imagining what would be said to me and how my cazreer will now be ruined as i have had 2 months off sick and everyone at work thinks i am weak etc etc

As you can see i was just jumping to conclusions and predicting the future with a fair old bit of all or nothing thrown in, noty to mention the overgeneralising.

In reality, it'll be OK. If not I'll do teacher training.

Then i can have holidays with the kids!

Every cloud.

Also, in the last 6 weeks i have been off sick, (officially with chronic depression, stress, anxiety and panic) I have run and run and run. Whereas i used to manage 8-10 miles a week, I am now doind 24 miles a week and really picking the pace up. Cool. If i keep goibng i could run a marathon in the back end of the year which is something i promised myself i would do.

Thats cool. Tjhats how i try to get away from the anger. I am also starting to put a plan in place for my return to work, so that my union will protect me from a deeply manipulative bully at work who has done some very nasty things against me.

 

[dust]

Thanks for the interesting thread on anger, I've only just started to feel it, and sometimes, I just don't know where to put it. Will try some of the suggestions.

Dylan, If you read this, do you have any info on cycling and the limbic brain? I am a cyclist (road and gym) and was wondering what the hard data is with respect to this? I sometimes feel very trance like when I cycle in the gym. The sensation is of my brain creating white noise - like an altered state. It is pleasant. I think you have mentioned this before, but I guess it passed me by.

dust

dust

 

[Irton Pike]

That calm trance i can get from running but i have to be really fit. Getting there. It is a blissful state. When i am there i like to have very loving feelings about my kids and mrs.

 

[Dylan]

Cragger - I have used a punching bag, although I didn't use gloves so it ended up being an exercise in self-harm (battered, bruised knuckles). I'm wily that way. :rolleyes:

Patrick - What an incredibly nice thing to say. Thank you.

Dust - Oh, I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding. "Cycling" is a term for a CBT-type related process; there are several elements to the process which, hopefully, culminate in the resolution of a problem or unbalanced emotion ( i.e. unbalanced anger = rage; unbalanced sadness = despair, etc.). The research (in case you're still interested, despite the non-BIcycling connection :wink:) can be found at http://. This method has been used extensively (and successfully) in the addictions field, but is now being studied (at USF) for its efficacy with regard to PTSD (which would make sense, with its similarities to CBT; the difference being that this method focuses much more on the ability to identify, feel/express emotions. For me, this makes it much more effective than CBT since one of the primary PTSD presenting symptoms is numbness/inability to know or express feelings).

-Dylan

 

[dust]

Dylan,

Ha, that is really funny... I'm sorry, but a nice thought that Cycling (on wheels) coulf effect the limbic brain. I guess I was just getting high from the exercise. I'll check out the link though.

Ta!

dust

 

[cragger65]

Thanks for all the input guys, you've really made this thread a valuable learning experience for me. It seems just when I find myself in a room with no doors, someone shows me the way out, and has already found what works.

Thanks.