Angry And New Head Pain After Therapy

[Jnean]

In EMDR yesterday I came to a halt when I felt a serious pain on the one side of my head and then the other side and then all over. I've been going to EMDR for a few months and a lot of painful things have come up even physical sensations. My head however has been hurting off and on ever since. I feel like I have hit a road block or a wall that I can't get through. I feel really angry that I can't get through, that this head pain is stopping me. I am angry that I don't have any memory of many years of my childhood and that I didn't have a childhood that I remember if that makes sense. This head pain I felt after a concussion once a decade ago when my ex put a pillow over the back of my head as I lay face down wishing I was dead while he was hitting me. I hate it. I know this isn't about that but that's what it feels like all over again, the after effects I mean. The head pain. I don't like being angry. What is this new head pain all about?

 

[Powder]

I usually find out right away as I have visuals that give me clues about where the body pain is from. However, my early childhood, toddler, infant abuse results in mostly body memories, and no context clues, like visual or verbal clues, are offered by memories.

From this memory, it is clear only that you were likely hit, rolled over defensively, and was hit again on the other side, likely as a baby. Or something like that. There is no way to be sure what happened with some things.

The baby self just knows it was attacked, and it hurts, and that's it. Truly, what else is that important? Nobody should be attacked as a baby by anyone.

I'm sorry to hear others have had to endure this kind of thing. Anyone who would attack a baby is probably crazy and/or high/drunk or out of function in a big way. Sounds like parents or caregivers caused damage from the beginning of your life.

 

[Jnean]

Wow Muse, it's like you knew what has been in my thoughts the last few days since therapy. I have been having thoughts of myself as an infant and wondering if something happened to me. I even saw myself as an infant as if I was floating above myself. That's all that has come to me and still the head pain comes and goes but I'm getting used to it. No other body sensations this week. I have had them the last threw weeks as if things were happening to me all over again. Thank you for your post.

 

[Jnean]

now that I said that out loud , what I've been thinking about, really makes me feel vulnerable and not doing so well right now with my thoughts on this. I am feeling scarred. I will hug my pillow pet and color, I have an adult coloring book. I just love it, it calms me so hopefully I dont have any panic attacks and have to take my scripts for panic tonight. I almost called the hotline a minute ago but i didn't because I got angry instead of what I was feeling so getting angry helped for that minute. just thought I'd share.

 

[Powder]

I can relate to this stuff. The earlier the trauma, the more it just makes me feel hurt and angry, in a simple kind of way. And later, shocked that my parent would hit me out of the blue.

I have to say the body memories seem most real/now and painful from the earlier traumas compared to the later.

When I was a crawling baby I was hit in the eye. When I had the flashback, I had to ice pack my "black eye" for hours, it hurt SOOOO badly.

Early traumas are retained mostly as a physical sensation and secondarily as an emotion, with rage being the most common secondary reaction to the pain and the neglect.

I'm so sorry. The good news seems to be that once it surfaces and breaks free, as bad as it feels at that time, if you can accept that it happened a long time ago and process the body and the emotional feelings, self-validating, sharing them, or whatever feels needed, they don't come back.

They only have come back if I blocked aspects and tried to not process them/deny them.

I validate that this was an early, preverbal traumatic memory of deliberate abuse intended to hurt, that you couldn't escape, and which would make anyone angry for how deliberate, repeat, and hostile it was.

Nobody should ever smack a baby no matter how much it was crying or whatever. That is just so, so wrong.

I have two children. I have never hit them, even though they've done some really annoying antics sometimes. I think most often, only someone on drugs would lack the self-control to refrain from hitting a baby or toddler.

Did your caregiver(s) have addiction issues?

I hope that you have a good trauma therapist or somatic processing therapist. Coloring works wonders!

Have you tried a scent, like aromatherapy? I use plain, old Vicks to help pull my brain out of flashbacks. I just hold the open jar under my nose and take deep breaths. I also sip ice water.

Hope something helps. Also, tell yourself, "I'm just having a flashback, it's not happening now, this was a long time ago." Over and over, and say, I'm strong, I can get through this again like before."

Hugs if you want them,

Muse

 

[Jnean]

Thank you Muse. Yes to the care giver with addiction. I accept the hugs.