Anniversary Anxiety And Driving

[WesternSky]

I will try and make this post as readable as possible but I am in a state right now.
Late tonight/tomorrow morning starts the seventh anniversary for me. I was starting to feel anxious last night and my fiancee asked if it was getting better or worse. She was trying to help but I feel like I've failed her because it varies and I think this year will be a bad one. She loves Halloween so much. I want to enjoy it with her. All I can feel is anxiety and wanting to break down. I have a thin hold on myself and the smallest thing I think can snap it. I could feel it pushing at me when I was trying to drive today.
I was on my way to pick up tickets for an event tonight. I had to drive somewhere I hadn't been before. I hate going somewhere I don't know where to go, even with a GPS because I always miss the turns or get lost and I get overwhelmed with frustration at not being able to find the place. It can turn into a complete meltdown and I don't know why. I finally found it but I am exhausted from such a simple thing. I want to go and enjoy myself but we are also going with another person that is very very nice but for reasons I can't explain gets to me. I don't want to break down in front of other people and I don't want her to see. I want to hide in the house and scream which is stupid because there is no danger except in my own head.

I wish I could see my therapist next week but I can't because of my work schedule. Every week it is a struggle to try and find a time when we can meet.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@WesternSky - I feel your pain about anniversary time. I am in my four month long anniversary time when everything reminds me of something from the past and the horrors that live in my head. The danger may be in your head, but that's what makes the world seem so scary. I like Halloween and every year I manage to find some joy in it, but there's also a lot of sorrow because I remember how it was 3 years ago. I carry the past with me and even though I can manage to get past it some, it is such a struggle. And try as I might, I have not been able to sever those ties to the memories. I, too, don't want to let (in my case) husband down, but I also don't want to pretend. I've been working a lot on learning to express when I am feeling overwhelmed because over the last year I slowly fell apart until I couldn't handle almost anything. It's really tough to live with the ghosts of the past and I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your struggles.

 

[WesternSky]

Thank you. I thought anniversaries were supposed to get better each year? That's usually what it's been. I stopped seeing a therapist for awhile because I couldn't find one I liked and have started again over the summer. Maybe I am only reopening the wound. I have recovered in many ways so I think if I give in to my impulses I will scare my family because this will seem to come out of nowhere. But it's not nowhere. It's always there. I've just been able to distance myself from it for awhile.