Anniversary Dates

[Venusian]

I hate that I am feeling this way. I don't know if it is the medication I just started or a continuation of the depression that started getting worse a couple months ago. I do want to say that although I have often thought that I would welcome the end of my life, I don't want to do anything to cause it. I am trying everything I can to try and make my life better. There are a few things I am just not ready to do yet, but I will get there.

I started taking Mirtazapine at a small dose to help sleep, but about 2 weeks ago I started the full dose. My psychiatrist wants me to continue on the full dose for at least 6 weeks to see if it is any benefit. Just a little background to what the purpose of this post is for.

I didn't realize until an anniversary date that it was an anniversary date. The thing is, it is an anniversary date that should be uplifting but it isn't. It was a year since I took my report to the police. Today is a year since I had my interview. It is a year since I spoke out loud, the whole story in one go. The only time. Nothing has really happened since except that it is now in a database with other cold cases. After 43 years it is what I expected. There are no suspects, no other cases that are similar even though everyone says I couldn't have been the only one.

Right now, all this week, my sleeping is back to what it was before I took the medication, 5 hours or less a night. I am getting body memories and intrusive thoughts I can't walk away from again. People are noticing that I am getting quiet again. Tomorrow is mother's day, the day my mother kept prodding me about what was wrong and I broke down and told her what happened. I didn't want to tell her then, not on mother's day but she kept pushing because she knew something was wrong. I wish I had waited because now that will always be associated to that day for me.

It should have been freeing, getting it out there, but right now it isn't.

 

[The Albatross]

I can really relate to calendar "anniversaries". But you are selling yourself short when you say that it should be uplifting but isn't.
Our rational mind can "understand" cold cases, and after 43 years what did I expect... but mental/emotionally I know I still at times want closure.

Sometimes it is learning how to sit with the uncomfortable feelings. It took me more than 5 years after my last traumatic "near" break to normalize the calendar date of the event. What you are feeling, is partly valid. Justice, wanting justice, is or would be a validating thing. But sadly justice or validation is not in the cards or does not come when we want or need it to. I had to work on some emotional regulation so the uncomfortable feelings wouldn't run me off the rails.

Find some balance, find an emotional outlet for what you are feeling... channel it into something maybe creative and when you get off the roller coaster, try to get back to some balance.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I struggled for many years about the 'anniversary' of my daughter's death, often for the 3 months before her death. My therapist said that our amygdala 'keeps track' of dates, whether we want it to or not. I have a new 'set' of anniversaries since the death of my Dad. Unfortunately, it is 'normal', and it takes time to overcome them. He suggests that I plan something special for those days, so my mind and heart are not so focused on the bad.

I have released balloons as a way of releasing my pain, as well as written in a journal how I feel.

It's different for everyone, and I hope yours gets better as time goes by.

Blessings to you and hopes for a brighter tomorrow!

 

[xena21]

I do want to say that although I have often thought that I would welcome the end of my life, I don't want to do anything to cause it.

I definitely relate to you there. I went through a traffic light the other day and when someone blew through the red light my instinct was to put on the brakes. After I got through the light safely I was so angry at myself for not letting him hit me. It's amazing how thoughts lie this can effect us.

I also know about anniversary dates. Mother's Day effects me because I have wanted to have a family and never had the opportunity. It is a glaring reminder at how much of freak I seem to be compared to the outside world. I also have many other "anniversaries" that relate to my past. I have overdosed 5 times and 3 of those times have been on anniversaries relating to past events. So I understand what you mean. They are hard to incorporate into our lives. It takes a lot of strength to get through these days.

I wish you the best in your struggle!

 

[Bilby]

My husband sufferers with anniversary dates also. Truth be told, I don't find them particularly easy myself, and I don't have PTSD. I guess for me, it is revisiting grief, in a way? Things become fresh in the mind once more?

I am sorry that you are finding things difficult - I just wanted to convey to you (albeit badly) that I relate in some way.