Anniversary Of Abusers Death

[Hypothermia2012]

***I wasn't sure where to put this ***My father was one of my abusers. For 10 years he abused me. Hitting, kicking, beatings until I wet myself. He was an alcoholic, and all of these attacks would take place while he was either highly intoxicated, or sober and looking for a drink. He was an amazing manipulator, with the power to start the flow of crocodile tears at the drop of a hat. I want to believe so bad that he was just troubled, and confused and that his addiction turned him into the monster he was. On November 13th 2012, my father drank A large amount of rum , got lost in the woods and froze to death. For others tomorrow might be a happy day, a day of celebration. Freedom from the monster that controlled for so long. But for me, it hell . I miss him, I go to his grave every year and weep over him like the first time I saw him in the casket. I don't know what to do. It RIPS ME TO PEICES that I miss him, I mean, why should I? ....but I do. I miss the time he taught me how to ride my bike , I miss the times he would pretend to be nice, I miss hearing him call me by the nickname he gave me. I don't know what to do. I've had so many flash backs in the past week. I think my brain is gearing me up for tomorrow's events. Is it normal for me to feel this way? Is it normal that I miss and love my abuser so much? Sorry for the long post...

 

[scout86]

Is it normal that I miss and love my abuser so much?

"Normal" is kind of a funny word. I think your feelings are understandable. No one is all good or all bad. Your father was an abusive alcoholic but he also

I miss the time he taught me how to ride my bike , I miss the times he would pretend to be nice, I miss hearing him call me by the nickname he gave me.

I'm not sure he was "pretending to be nice". Maybe he really loved you. Alcohol does weird things to people. Addiction does weird things to people. There's a school of thought that we all have different "parts" to our personalities. Sounds like your father really did. Sounds like he was an addict who was troubled and confused and probably manipulative to boot. Doesn't mean he didn't also love you and, in his better moments, regret his behavior.

Dealing with grief is hard. Something that's helped me is writing letters to the person, saying the things I wish I could have said. ALL of them.

Sorry for your loss! Do something special for yourself tomorrow.

 

[Kailani]

We have so many experiences with our parents if we live with them and they aren't all bad or all good. I think you are really doing great to be able to acknowledge both aspects of your dad. No matter if they hurt us, they were loved because that's what children do. I hope you have lots of support tomorrow and through this process. I also am grieving and it is not easy!!!!