Death Anniversary Of Suicide Coming Up

[Kintsugi]

Next week, on the twenty-seventh, will be one year since my partner's step father hung himself in his basement.

I've been partially blocking it out, because it doesn't seem possible that nearly a whole year has elapsed.

My mother-in-law is in a bad way. She was crying a lot last night. I never know what to say. I feel like I always come off as cold. I cried alone a lot after his death. I also have a lot of guilt, feel responsible, all that good stuff, because my relationship with Bill was on the rocks for a bit before he died. I have an overwhelming urge to apologize to her, like it's my fault he killed himself, even though I know intellectually that it is not my fault, that it's no one's fault.

I had a phone consultation with a T yesterday. She kept asking me about suicidal ideation and when the last time I was truly suicidal was. I wanted to just blurt out that I was cured of suicidal ideation due to the loss of Bill, but I'll save it for the chair.

I feel so guilty. I know I wasn't the cause of Bill's death, but sometimes I think if I'd died instead, he would have lived. I know it's not true. His brother committed suicide as well, and Bill still went ahead and hung himself.

My anger is returning as well. I keep thinking, Bill, how the f*ck could you do this to us? How could you do this to B? Bill was a true father figure as well as a best friend to B. How he could hang himself in the basement, knowing we would probably be over in short order... how the f*ck did he ever think that was okay?

And the dog. The dog that loved Bill so much. It sounds silly, but I'm not the only one who thinks of this. My MIL said it too. How could he do that with the dog in the house, the dog he loved above all others?

It was a perfect day. Everything was chaos, and it all fell into place magically. Everything was perfect. We couldn't stop talking about what a great day it had turned out to be. We were all laughing in the car on the way home, me, B, and our friend, talking about how Bill made a firework gatling gun out of PVC. We were cracking up. We were so happy. We were going to get home and go over to see Bill before dinner, but we decided we were running too late to stop in, decided to get ready for the dinner I was going to buy for Bill and my MIL that night.

My MIL got back to her house before we went over there. I was putting on eyeliner when I heard B on the phone. I ignored it. I thought his very old cat had died. He sounded upset, incredulous, but I didn't know it was Bill.

We could have just as easily gone to their house first, stopped in to see Bill, to smoke with him, and we would have walked in on his body, the three of us. Clueless.

It was such a perfect day. Now, when my day is going just a tad too well, I start having this crazy paranoid fear response. If my day is too good, I just want to cry, feeling sure tragedy is masquerading.

 

[RussH]

Simon isn't it funny how we can so quickly take blame for something we did not do, or had any control over. As you mentioned you feel that if you had died then your father-in-law would still be alive, and while you acknowledge the fallacy of your thoughts, you still blame yourself.

Isn't PtSD just a peach? It makes us feel like total failures when we try anything good, and makes us the epitome of success when it comes to being at fault for everything bad that happens. Simon his death is not your fault. There is not causal relationship between your being alive and him being dead.
If you had chosen suicide, there is still a very good probability that he would also be dead.

He had his own issues that have to direct relationship to you, and he made the choice he made.

I do know this is a hard time for you and your family and I just want you to know that I am here for you.

 

[moonbeam]

One of my best friends committed suicide 2 years and 9 days ago.

There is no right thing to say to make it better. Its a terrible situation to be the survivor and no matter how logical we are that doesn't stop the what if thoughts? Everything you are feeling is a very normal response.

Its only been 2 anniversaries but they have both been hard and I imagine always will be. Each year I and people who knew her get together and discuss some of out favourite stories of her. Look at pictures and photos. We talk about the good stuff.

And we talk about the bad. The things we miss that she will never do again, how hard it is that everyone feels like they should have done something, and wished they could trade places.

Its been really helpful to remember all the good and to share the burden of the bad. To know we aren't alone in remembering and missing an incredible person.

Maybe that type of event might help you and your partner and MIL and the dog as well?

 

[Em C.]

Oh Simon. I can't say anything to make it better other than if you need to talk feel free to message me. *hugs* if you want them

 

[Friday]

When I don't know what to say... I usually say that; I don't know what to say, and wish I did. I wish something I could say would make things different. I wish there was something to say that would make things better. I love the snot out of you. Etc.

... I know for myself, while I was periodically more than a bit suicidal in practice (Follow me. Unless I blow up. In which case, don't do that.), I wasn't super aware of it. I didn't care if I lived or died so I did a lot of risky things. Impulsive as blazes.

I didn't struggle with ideation... Until people I loved started eating their guns. Oh. Well, you know what? Maybe they have the right idea, afterall. Yeah. That seems like the smart way to go. Not pretty, but efficient.

Some people come across suicide, and could never -ever- do such a thing after their first experience with it. Like you :) Others? Like me, it gets them thinking, really thinking, that maybe this is best. :( No more fighting, no more pain, no more burden. It becomes a solution... Where it never was, before. I could give mercy, I could beg for it, but never take it. Until someone I loved did. And it was light a lightbulb. Oh. Now there's an idea. Struggled with ideation ever since.

 

[scout86]

I've got one of those anniversaries coming up Mar 9. Had another one back in Dec.

As far as your MIL goes this may or may not be something YOU can do. I don't think WHAT you say, exactly, is important. Maybe it WOULD be important that she has a chance to talk about it. You know how a lot of people are about death, especially suicide. They avoid it like the plague. They dance around it. It could be what she needs most is just someone who's able to listen and honor her grief, and her confusion, and her guilt because she probably has some too. Maybe it would help her to know how you feel. I don't know. It's a hard thing, for everyone. Most likely also the dog.

Here's another thing I'm sure of. At the point where you decide to fix the rope, or pull the trigger, or step in front of the train, you are not likely to be thinking that anyone is going to be hurt by you being gone. Maybe sometimes people kill themselves out of spite. Mostly I think they do it because they're hurting and tired and not looking clearly very far down the road. My buddy who shot himself last spring..... His wife (who was a bit clueless) said to me, "It's not like he ever THREATENED. All he ever said was that we'd be better off without him." Well, the retired Master Sgt wasn't the kind of guy to threaten and he darn sure wouldn't miss at that range. And I honestly think he thought he was screwing up so badly that everyone WAS better off without him. And, now that I've had a good while to reflect, I think he never talked to ME about it because I'd have told him in no uncertain terms that he was WRONG and that was the absolute LAST thing he wanted to hear. So it goes.... I wish he'd have called!

Sorry about your FIL! I wish there had been something you could have done, because I'm sure you'd have done it. God, I'm pretty sure, doesn't do trades though. And, we all kind of need you here anyway. It's hard to accept that there are just some things that are beyond our control. As my T said back last spring, "No one is actually 'All That'!"

@FridayJones ....... I admire your way with words, even when you make me cringe. To be honest, I've thought about death and suicide as long as I can remember. Was quite surprised, in fact, to find out that EVERYONE doesn't think about that stuff on a daily basis. But, after the first "suicide of a friend" I really started to pick the idea up and play with it. Turn it around in my mind and look at it from different sides..... After the sudden death of the only guy who's ever really cared about me, I REALLY started to play around with it. Because I missed him so much I just wanted to be where ever it was he was. At the time, my work put me alone along major highways, at night, a LOT. Used to imagine what it would be like to step in front of a truck. (Because that COULD be an accident, so no one would have to feel guilty. Except maybe the driver and THAT was a problem.....) Used to wonder, "Is this what T was thinking right as he pulled the trigger?" Was there a split second where he thought "Rats! (or words to that effect) What did I do THAT for?" After the second "suicide of a friend"........ Well, the one thing about not having people in my life is I can't really say "They'd be better off without me!" right? LOL But that last paragraph you wrote I get so well it kind of makes my skin crawl.

For the record, I hope you stick around. You're one of the people who makes the world a more interesting place!

 

[RussH]

I was reading all these post and the old song from M*A*S*H came to mind: Suicide is painless, and I thought no it isn't when you think of pain all the loved ones go through when someone kills them self.

 

[Recovery4Me]

SimplySimon...:cry: w/you and sitting quietly while offering silent davens of the heart.

I have been emotional all day on the subject of suicide, concerning those who choose to do so and the boundaries or power in our actions or words. So, forgive my lack of words.

However, when I read your post title...I felt the need to come to give you an friendship :hug:.
I am sorry for the anniversary of your loss and the struggles within that you feel during this time.

 

[The Albatross]

I never know what to say.
I feel like I always come off as cold.

I also have a lot of guilt, feel responsible, all that good stuff, because my relationship with Bill was on the rocks for a bit before he died.

...sometimes I think if I'd died instead, he would have lived.

It was such a perfect day. Now, when my day is going just a tad too well, I start having this crazy paranoid fear response. If my day is too good, I just want to cry, feeling sure tragedy is masquerading.

I think I might dig up Anthony's article on negative/detrimental thinking patterns. (Always/never stuff usually a detrimental thinking pattern.)

For someone who's partially blocking, you seem very aware of your thoughts, feelings and those of the people around you. That is a good thing by the way... though your preference may seem like blocking you are really trying to deal with your thoughts and feelings independently so as to assist B. and/or his mom.

You are though doing a pretty solid job of refuting the thoughts. Anger is understandable, guilt is optional.

It is not uncommon after losing a loved one to anguish over interactions around the time of that person's death. But to allow the thoughts to conclude that whether your relationship was rocky with B. or not, if you'd have died/he'd have lived, why did he kill himself with his dog present/in the home, or you and B. avoided finding his body by sheer circumstance. Well, none of that is beneficial for you, B. or his mom going forward. It has though been only a year. Grieving is optimally about three years... but some people get stuck in grief... some deal sooner, some later.

So far as the urge to apologize to his mom. Go ahead. Or take the time to tell her how you feel about her and that you want to help her through this difficult time.

 

[The Albatross]

Neglected to say... adversity and how to deal with it is a skill set worth learning, as we age, there will certainly be more. Death/illness/accidents... some tragedy... no one gets out without some. Not a welcome prospect for anybody, especially not for some/most/all of us who have had so much already.

Can you redirect your thinking to considering your support for B. and his mom, and step back on your own? Sometimes I find I can and it is beneficial for me. I deal with my stuff on the back end or focus on the experiences/new information I had with the others who are also grieving.

 

[The Albatross]

I am here for you too. If you need me holler by p.c.

 

[ms spock]

I feel for you Simply Simon. I am so sorry that Bill committed suicide. I have a lot of feelings about it. I have been there to that point. I am so glad you are talking to us. Keep posting.

It is a global problem, according to the World Health Organisation, someone attempts suicide every 3 seconds, and someone succeeds every 40 seconds. I know that this is not really of any help except to to make the broader struggle of it obvious. We are all not alone, whatever side of the fence that we are on.