Anniversary stress and being hyper-vigilant and anxious

[SeekingAfrica]

I realized yesterday I was getting stressed around my trauma anniversary. I've been having any symptom from dissociation frozen state, panic, depression, flashbacks, anxiety...simply that raw vulnerable I-don't-know-how-to-function feeling...I did a lot even through all this because I had some critical things that had to get done.

I thought I was doing fine. But today it feels like I'll lose my mind. Yesterday I found solutions to some pressing problems, even while depressed and for a moment today felt good. Nothing is directly in my way today...There are issues, but none immediate...yet I'm so anxious it feels like my chest is pressed by something heavy and it's hard to remember that there is anything that I need to do.

I mean, to-do list aside, I can't even seem to start anything pleasurable to calm myself. I did some housework, emails, errands. I can't get myself to do anything else. The shows I like to watch seem pointless, doing nothing seems like a dangerous precedent, taking care of myself when I'm hypersensitive and don't really like myself is all messy...and the more I want to choose what I do the more everything just spins in my head and my mind just keeps spiriling to that one thing that happened years ago. And I've talked about it a lot and I've been moving on and I'm good, but I don't feel so good right now...

 

[Muttly]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I know all that spinning around inside can get so overwhelming. Is going for a walk an option and would that help?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I know all that spinning around inside can get so overwhelmin...

Thank you for writing... already had a walk to run some errands and it wasn't bad...But right now I can't do it again. I have a dance class and meeting with friend tomorrow so hopefully those will help...But right now I'm a mess and I don't even know why except for which time of year it is....it's like I can feel I am sliding towards a panic attack right now and I can't figure out how to stop it..

 

[Muttly]

what are some things that have helped you in the past?

Hang in there, you will get through this.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

what are some things that have helped you in the past?
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I don't know :(. Honestly at this point logic doesn't work because my body feels what it feels. And when I remember I have this bout of not liking myself, which makes it worse.

Few times I've used the RAINN hotline and they were somewhat helpful.
Other than that when it comes to this really I need to hold on when it's too bad and I'm frozen, distract myself when I can and wait for the moment this feeling eases a bit.

I just couldn't handle it. It's just this illogical hatred towards myself. And this feeling when I remember, that everything else of my life gets wiped away, like I never got over it, like I never achieved anything like I was never more than this. So for a while, there is just pain. It got really bad in the last hour so honestly, for a while I just lost myself, watching youtube in bed just trying to forget I exist. Now I am finally sitting up, so I guess that's a start, I hope. I feel like there are so many words in me about what happened, yet I can't say anything, not on here, not in fiction, not at all. That feeling like I'll never be anything more is overwhelming. I can't really share with anyone, even the few people that know about it. I just need to let go, not be myself for a moment...