Anniversary

[LoveTea]

Today marks the 8th year of having PTSD. I hate that a stupid date can hold so much power over me, but it does. I had actually been doing ok for the past month or so, but now the past few days I've been sliding downhill. Now I'm barely with it, and I'm having trouble grounding, I'm having trouble wanting to ground. I can't eat or sleep. Last year it was so much easier to hide it, since it was the morning after the election, but this year I don't have that. I just want to be invisible, I don't want anyone to see me.

I don't know how to make it through the day. I have three classes, a short paper to write and work until 10 pm. I can't really miss any of it. My supervisor has at least been really good about it, which is some relief. A lot of the time, she will ride me a bit for not taking care of myself when I don't eat, or will send me home when my stuff gets in the way at work. But, she said for these few days I should try my best, but she knows it won't be easy and that I can keep working as long as I am safe (working is a good distraction for me).

I just want to curl up in a ball and make it all go away. I don't like it when people worry about me, I just want to be left alone. I hate doing this every year. I just want everything to go away, it all seems so unbearable right now. Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with anniversaries?

 

[The Albatross]

Astounding to me that anybody knows the "date" they got PTSD... but yeah... turn your thoughts away from introspection and determine to do something meaningful for someone else or your community.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@The Albatross Maybe it was the date of their trauma. Geez!

@LoveTea Try the best that you can to keep focused and ground yourself. Be kind to yourself and do something nice for you....

 

[Freida]

Understand that it is an anniversary reaction. I don't mean that to sound snarky....I mean don't try to fight it. Accept this day (and maybe a couple more on both sides) are going to totally suck. Allow yourself to grieve, be sad, be angry, whatever. Make it part of your plan for the day......write a paper then scream a bit....leave class early and go cry in the bathroom....go to work and ask your boss for a hug every hour or so. Know that it's ok that you feel like crap today.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Knowing the date of ones ptsd, so to speak, is pretty damn simple when you remember the exact days your life was forever changed in the worst of ways. Trying to get away from it or make it go away tends to only work to increase the discomfort when I try it. As it's always still there when I resurface and the same date is going to keep arriving year after year.

I have to allow the feelings, recognize and invite them in for a few, but not let them get too comfortable and hang around, and do as many healthy nurturing things as I can, as often as possible, especially leading up to what I know will be a rough time, to ground myself and simply get through the moments.

This is the worst time of year, ever, for me in trying to deal with the feels of the multiple abuse scenarios that took place this time of year/the overall fakery of it all/etc. and I'd love more than anything to be able to ignore it and make it all go away. However...I can't and it won't.

I tried like hell to do so for a long, long time, and still find myself wishing it away at times rather than wanting to deal with the feels. But that only serves to intensify my rage and discomfort, making me a target for others who like to prey upon those weaknesses and toy even further with my emotions.

I now just try to put my own twist on the hellish happenings and dive right into the day(s) with everyone else, as much as my varied sensitivities will allow, and do my own thing as best I can while staying mindful that I don't overtax my brain and heart with all of my usual "what ifness" thoughts and such. It isn't easy, but has proven to be very necessary.

Some things I've done in place of letting myself stay in the hellish space of all the feels is to plant something, especially edible somethings or flower somethings to help the pollinators out. I have a chance to add something that beautifies a space (especially if it's at a site I was abused at) in many places I haven't felt like I've been able to grow feels pretty good to me. Nurturing plants along heals me in many ways...but it's not for everyone.

Even a houseplant of some variety that helps clean the air I breathe everyday feels like a nurturing accomplishment. I end up propagating them and sharing with others when they grow and do well. Even if they die, I tried...and remind myself not everything is meant to exist and live in each and every space just because I want it to. Such is life, it seems.

Breathing techniques are an absolute must in my world daily, multiple times a day. Especially this one:
Rhythmic Stress Relief: Stopwatch Tap Technique with Jim Donovan

Moving in a fun way is a great distraction for thoughts that try to drag me down, even if it's just dancing in the grocery aisle or as I move through whatever space I'm in, although my favorites are hula hoops and mini-trampolines.

I also incorporate some chanting, especially the om mani padme hum (loving kindness) and the ra ma da sa sa say so hung (universal healing) varieties.

I smudge myself and my living spaces with sage, and other people and spaces who are willing.

I make it a point to be much kinder in my self talk....having to remind myself of that one frequently each day.

I purposely do a ceremony of some sort on the actual day (and almost every other day now that I think about it...lol) that includes herbal teas, nurturing foods at meal times and snack times if I have an appetite, otherwise I fast instead, sage smoke and palo santo smoke to cleanse and purify, candles or a fire in the fire pit, a hot cleansing salt bath, and some favorite aromas where I remind myself that I didn't cause the things that happened to me that day, I just happened to be the unfortunate recipient of the sick twisted choices of others.

Then I release the control that I've allowed them to maintain over my own well-being for so long by giving it permission to go on its way...telling it I'll see it next year....that may include writing it down and burning it, primal screaming it, or simply speaking it out loud to get it out of my head. Whatever feels "right" in the moment.

Hoping the weight of the day feels lighter as you get through it.

 

[Friday]

I used to handle anniversaries by going on trips. Sporting trips, mostly, so three birds & 1 stone of traveling (which I love), distraction, & a whole lot of exercise to be burning off the chems in my blood that keep wanting to either explode or gut me. A week in the mountains playing in the snow, or at the beach, or out of country... Just getting the heck out of dodge & completely changing my routine to something wicked fun for awhile.

I haven't done that in years. One of those things I very much want to build back into my life.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

I'm really sorry you've been going through that. I totally understand and I wish I had some advice that would help. I just went through the same thing and it was horrible. Not only that but I ended up frozen up and shaking on the couch for three hours, as I was having flashbacks and reliving everything in the actual time that it happened. Geez-it's bad enough having flashbacks but at least they are just snippets of time. I discovered that three hours is an excruciatingly long time when something horrible is happening. It was shocking realizing the extent of how long I had to deal with it at the time.

I hope you're having a better day today. The one thing that did seem to help was waking up the next day knowing it was not the anniversary anymore, and since then I've been a bit better. Not great, but better. I hope you're feeling better!

 

[LoveTea]

I somehow made it through work. It ended a little early, and by the time I sat down at the end, I was a wreck. It was like I had been holding my breath all day, it was the only way to get through it. People kept looking at me and asking if I was ok all day, and it made it so much harder. I fell apart and my supervisor got me away from everyone and found me a good dark corner (I like the dark and it feels safer to me). She tried to help me ground, I kept going in and out. I don’t know how long she sat with me, but eventually I just ended up sobbing uncontollably. I am so greatful she was there but I also feel guilty. Going home alone that night was really rough.

I saw my T yesterday, it was really hard. I’ve been seeing her for 5 months and I still havn’t told her much. She didn’t know about the anniversary and was at a bit of a loss since she didn’t know what was going on.