Another day of my life forfeited to ptsd

[Glenn R.]

After another night of horrifying nightmares, I woke up too traumatized to live a halfway normal day. I couldn't leave the house, let alone get behind the wheel of a car.

It is now nearly 5:30pm, and I am now feeling a mild depression come on, which sometimes happens when the level of trauma is as deep as it has been today. I'm feeling sad and angry that, yet, another day of my life was wasted and forfeited to PTSD. I'm 62, so every day at this juncture of counts more than ever, as I can't guarantee how my body will treat me henceforth.

Actually, I'm real pissed off. I hate this crap. I did nothing to deserve it and feel super f*cked by life. This just reinforces why the concept of God sickens me, and it does, although that was not always the case when I was younger.

 

[shandemonium]

Hey @Glenn R.

I can really relate to being paralyzed by this and staying in my room for the whole weekend. I barely go to the kitchen to eat, can't even go in my yard.
Then the guilt and self-loathing kicks in.

If I could offer any good advice it's this: start by forgiving yourself and saying "f*ck it, this is a day to stay in my cave and that's gonna have to be ok"
If I at least do that much, I have noticed that my mood improves and sometimes I even make it outside on the porch.

The crippling part for me is getting down on myself for feeling afraid to drive or go outside. Then one day I said to myself, "it's fine, just watch a movie, get stoned and tomorrow is another day to try again". I cannot emphasize how freeing that was and I actually ended up mowing the lawn that day! (not driving or leaving, but still was a big victory!)

I know I just repeated myself, so sorry about that! Forgive yourself. This is normal for us. Thankfully we have the internet and we can support each other from our dark cave locations...

From one cave to another...
:hug: hugs to you

 

[Glenn R.]

shandemonium Thank you so much for your compassionate and enlightening response. Yes, the beat up from my inner critic for feeling the way I do and my limitations is probably a lot worse than the trauma itself. This is an area my therapist and I are putting a lot of time into. He calls it "The inner persecutor," which is quite appropriate.

I really wish I could toke on a doobie for some relief, but my brain chemistry is so f*cked, and the THC worsens it.

 

[shandemonium]

"the inner prosecuter".. I like that. I mean, I don't like it, but it's a clever and truthful term!

Sorry about the weed thing, that was more my own soothing words for me as an example.

Do what makes you feel good around the house.. a bath? some tea? eating all the nutella right out of the container with a spoon (these are things I do lol).

Tell that inner critic to take the day off.. then eventually you will fire his ass :)

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi -

Sorry to hear about your day - Glad you could share it with us.

I wonder if you have tried doing meditation. I am not sure that it would work for nightmares but I know that during the day, when thoughts kept occuring over and over, and I would beat myself up and get depressed about something that happened, meditating helped me recognize the thought as it was arising and I learned I could eventually tell that thought to go away before it manifested in sorrow or self pity or the like that further immobilized me.

Blessings - Laurie

 

[anthony]

Actually, I'm real pissed off. I hate this crap. I did nothing to deserve it and feel super f*cked by life.

Why do you think your trauma has anything to do with whether or not you deserved it?

Then in 1994-95, I suffered two near death experiences within one year: an almost fatal car accident, which left me physically disabled for months, and then a near plane crash. The later finally pushed me over that proverbial line -- if you get my drift.

What I quoted above, plus your prior Navy duty, is not about fault... it's purely random experiences you have endured through life. Nobody is to blame, entitlement of deserving something or not has nothing to do with it, nor God if they exist, or anyone else.

Life is one big random mess... you honestly never know what will happen next, with the majority of factors around us completely out of our control.

I think you're beating yourself up a bit more than you need, because you don't control what life throws at you, and it has nothing to do with God or whether or not you deserve something or not. The more control people think they have, often the more difficulty they have in accepting that life is outside their control. None of us control what happens to us in life. Sure, we can increase and decrease risk to ourselves, but that's about as far as it goes for control... risk mitigation.

Statistically it is safer to fly than drive. Statistically, it is safer to drive in a city than ride a pushbike or motorbike. Statistically you increase your risk of death smoking cigarettes. The list goes on and one. Control.... is an illusion only. We don't control much of anything, thus what we deserve means nothing in the scheme of life.