Anticipatory Anxiety

[KwanYingirl]

I did some driving around the tritown area I live in scoping out possible places to live.

I noticed when I drove down a fairly long road to get to an apartment building that I started feeling the acid in my arms and legs. It was out in the woods and looked way too small to have 30 units. That's beside the point.

I didn't take me long to understand where the anxiety was coming from. All I could think about was walking Annie in this remote unpopulated area. I was taken into the woods to be raped and brutalized. I've been fearful of woods ever since-50 years .

It finally dawned on me what my therapist has been trying to teach me about PTSD. My brain was triggered by the mere sight of the setting and then it activates my body. As in fight, flight or freeze. I finally get it! Then it's either panic or dissociate.

I sat in my car and breathed in calm and breathed out acid, slowly and from my gut. I told myself I had a memory. It can't hurt me, I am grown now. And I felt the acid recede. It was an aha moment and I calmed myself. Very proud of that.

So here's my question-I posed it to my therapist today. To recover from my multiple traumas, do I have to challenge the object of my fear- in this case, the woods? I want to just avoid them if I'm alone. To not be triggered. Is it growth enough that I found words to describe my feeling? That I was able to express the trauma this fear is based from.

He said we didn't have to unpack that right now. He wanted me to learn to notice what is happening in my body when the acid flows.

 

[xena21]

Sorry that was so traumatic of a reminder for you. I'm not a therapist but moving seems like a big deal in and of itself. I wouldn't imagine doing a huge exposure of moving to a place that is so triggering for you. That's just my interpretation.

I am moving next week on the 1st. I'm horrified myself with just the thought of change. I also get that gnawing gut wrenching feeling in certain places and I made certain to stay away from all of those when I picked my apartment complex. I have a 15 year old shephard mix that I have to walk as well, and she always is a priority for me in choosing things. I worry a lot about everything, and I can't imagine how terrified you must have felt being in the position you were.

I guess my advice is to keep looking for something. There are places out there not near any woods. I bet you can find something better!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you. I don't have much confidence that I can trust my gut. I'm going to wait til next week to look for something that doesn't make me feel vulnerable. I know what you mean about change. That's the anticipatory part where you don't know what's coming. Just want it to be over already.

 

[Chava]

I wouldn't know how much is healed...sometimes I feel like I make a full connection, but then the same feelings might reappear, although the insight hels me hold off panc in some cases. If you can keep looking could you find a place that seemed trigger-free for the most part. I bought a house a few years ago and it's like my refuge...quiet, beautiful, tucked into nature without being too isolated...I had nothing about goods feelings toward the place and house. It wasn't til later that I realized it was like a revival of all the safe and wonderful places of my childhood. Anyway, I think it's good to have a safe place. I've ad a hard time locating that within my self or body, but I feel it in my home. When things are okay or I've processed some stuff well, it does feel helpful to face some more fears on a level I can manage...helps my world expand...

Good to keep looking for a place where you feel less vulnerable...and good job noticing the body sensations...that is great to be able to stay present and connected and able to notiuce those sensations. That's the sort of thing that usually helps me keep panic minimum vs getting totally swamed by it (though that still happens when I'm in pain...so kind of an ongoing process to keep getting better at recognizing and responding to)