Anxiety and Alcohol

[frogthroat]

Hello All:
First off, I would like to say that I'm at the point in therapy where I start to actually work through emotions instead of just putting them away for later. Besides being terrified of this I'm also terrified of general worries and my responsibilities because I don't quite trust myself. I know the stress cup explanation is part of this mounting anxiety.
I know I'm still incredibly immature when it comes to handling stress. I know I need a routine and I need to get out of my apartment. I'm just not quite there yet. I'm afraid I'm going to lose control of what I have going for me.
I've been drinking much more. I don't think I know how to be sober with this. I know that soon I have to face the terror and feelings of humiliation that are stuck in my body.
I don't want to be a victim anymore but I don't know what I am without trauma. It's hard to admit this but I'm not doing myself any favors by denying it. Basically, I'm terrified of people and my own desires. Has anyone dealt with this? How did you push through feeling hollow? I'm definitely using alcohol as a crutch. Is this a normal part of grieving?

 

[bhm]

Morning @RuffledFeathers it seems we have some similar things we're learning to cope with, I was forced to attain sobriety before I was accepted to advance in my therapy, as I've learned first hand it's kinda almost impossible to regulate emotionally when you're drinking, I thought I was doing pretty good but hit a bump when my sessions ground to a hault for reasons beyond my control, and not addressing my stress started relapsing and it's been a mess, I was going to a morning group thing thats offered in my area, early recovery program, it's a two part, meditation and grounding followed by a "smart" recovery like, but more in depth educational piece to help understand trauma, why we use, and work on coping skills, plus alot more, it's a great program, also go to smart in the evening occasionally but it just started here and is only available 1 night a week, but it's also a great resource, I tend to stay away from AA NA as i find it somewhat shame oriented and incredibly triggering and always left feeling worse than when I went in and instantly relapsing, altough it obviously works for some, I've found many I've talked with who also have cptsr and ptsr have had a similar experience, today I'm back onto my meditation and breathing exersizes and point tapping to try and stay grounded and sober, and am going to return to group in the morning, I wish you luck and hope you can be gentle with yourself and find some peace :) big hugs!

 

[frogthroat]

I've learned first hand it's kinda almost impossible to regulate emotionally when you're drinking,

I agree. It's a false sense of calm. Part of it is boredom I believe too because I don't go out and do things besides work, therapy, and run errands. The more I isolate the harder it gets for me to go out and the more I drink.
I give myself a ton of excuses for not exercising and not going out like "I'm tired" blah blah etc. I know I'm emotionally exhausted but I think I'm just terrified of breaking this cycle, doing well, meeting people, and getting hurt. I don't like risks and I don't take them. I'm still wearing my misery like a favorite shirt in that regard.
My T is trying to get me to find a hobby. She even mentioned volunteering. The problem is I can't find joy in anything and therefore nothing's interesting anymore. I don't know if I'm blocking myself from being able to feel good or if I really have a problem. Logically, I know you make yourself do things regardless but something hurts too bad and I don't understand what it is. I'm afraid I might never figure it out. I really get on my own ass for this victimhood mentality and then I just end up being ashamed of myself and it seems to deepen that distress.
I totally forgot about meditation. It would really do me some good to make myself concentrate on something. Good luck in your group. It sounds like it's helping you.

 

[bhm]

I agree. It's a false sense of calm. Part of it is boredom I believe too because I don't go out and do things besides work, therapy, and run errands. The more I isolate the harder it gets for me to go out and the more I drink.
I give myself a ton of excuses for not exercising and not going out like "I'm tired" blah blah etc. I know I'm emotionally exhausted but I think I'm just terrified of breaking this cycle, doing well, meeting people, and getting hurt. I don't like risks and I don't take them. I'm still wearing my misery like a favorite shirt in that regard.
My T is trying to get me to find a hobby. She even mentioned volunteering. The problem is I can't find joy in anything and therefore nothing's interesting anymore. I don't know if I'm blocking myself from being able to feel good or if I really have a problem. Logically, I know you make yourself do things regardless but something hurts too bad and I don't understand what it is. I'm afraid I might never figure it out. I really get on my own ass for this victimhood mentality and then I just end up being ashamed of myself and it seems to deepen that distress.
I totally forgot about meditation. It would really do me some good to make myself concentrate on something. Good luck in your group. It sounds like it's helping you.

I have the same issues with isolating and not being able to find any intrest in doing anything, I start to panic even thinking about going out or getting back into things I used to enjoy doing, I find almost everything triggering in some way, it's tough. If i can even stay somewhat regulated it's an accomplishment, I just keep trying to tell myself thing will get better and when it's time things will happen, be gentle with yourself :)

 

[frogthroat]

Hey @bhm do you want to have someone to talk to about staying sober? It would be nice to have support through this. I wouldn't mind it either. You can PM me if you'd like. I know the struggles of being sober. I quit weed 2 years ago so I'm not going to judge.

 

[bhm]

Hey sure @RuffledFeathers I'd be into that, I'm a bit of ludite and havn't figured out how to pm yet lol, I just figured out how to add people by username lmao, with the exception of very recently I've been sober for almost 9 months and havn't smoked pot either, I'm starting CBT and EMDR so being sober is crucial to staying regulated as the post therapy aftershock can be intense, and delayed sometimes, recently after an intense part of new therapy my session stopped and was in borderline crisis and I freaked out and started drinking to turn my brain off, yikes! ?

 

[frogthroat]

EMDR is intense. I was a hot mess for a good while after EMDR. I felt like I was totally out of control emotionally but I think you have to allow yourself some room to be emotional. I don't like to cry but that's ALL I did after EMDR but it passed. At the time though it did feel like I was in crisis.
Perhaps you're doing better than you think? It's pretty normal to feel completely gutted after intense therapy. I've drank too after some hardcore sessions but I think that you're still trying is really significant. Drinking isn't a good coping mechanism. You know that. I know that. I think in time it will get better as your CBT skills get better. I know it has for me. I still drink in rough patches but I have hope I'll get to a point where no longer feel I need it.

 

[Justmehere]

Staying sober is hard, and doing it while processing trauma can be especially challenging. I'm glad you are reaching out for support. Lots of people struggle with coping while doing trauma work. It's said a lot around here that things usually get worse before they get better, because it's so true. Setbacks are a common part of the process.

When you find yourself relapsing on this or any other manipulative coping tool while working through trauma, I strongly suggest bringing it up with your therapist. Continuing to just plow through can sometimes undo a lot of hard work and lead to things taking a lot longer to work through. Learning to pace out processing trauma and replace old habits with better ones isn't a detour from processing trauma, it is part of the work.

You can PM me

As a heads up, there isn't the capability for members to send PMs to each other here. If you have any further questions on this, please raise it via Contact Us.

 

[bhm]

How's it going @RuffledFeathers ? I didn't make it group this morning because I was to hung over and it's an honour system must be substance free for at least 24hrs to participate thing so I woke up and started drinking again because I still have booze left, good times, I really need to get my shit together here lol, like @Justmehere mentioned, I feel like I'm flushing the last few months of hard work down the toilet, I managed to get my narco substance use problems in check years ago but have a serious problem with alcohol, oh well at least I'm poor as dirt and can't afford to sustain an addiction so I'll be sober before dinnertime, I feel like I was doing well for a while there, I don't know what happened, I hit a ruff patch and just crumbled, probably due to my sessions grinding to a hault, I should have put in a request to speak to another clinician in absence of my regular person I suppose, oh well hindsight is 20/20 I guess, I feel like Wile. E. Coyote., Super Genius. D'oh!

 

[frogthroat]

, I strongly suggest bringing it up with your therapist

I am tonight. It's becoming a problem for me.

I hit a ruff patch and just crumbled, probably due to my sessions grinding to a hault,

Is there anyway you could mention this in your group? Is there anyway you could get back into therapy through them? There has to be some way for you to be able to get back into some kind of counseling. If you can't stay sober enough for you're group I'm thinking you're really distressed. Maybe you could try to power through or even sleep through a 24 hour period just enough to make it there and see if they have any resources for you. Maybe tell them you're struggling with trauma related issues.
As for me I'm okay. I'm dreading my therapy session tonight. Had a horrible flashback yesterday and I'm still kind of in it and it's been stuck on replay all day. I was supposed to draw but I'm stuck. It kind of sucks because if I could get back into it I could probably be making some extra money. Everything that comes out is garbage but I should I probably just sketch garbage until I get fluid ideas again. Probably going to have to talk about this horrible thing in order for it to pass through. Ugh.

 

[bhm]

Aww @RuffledFeathers I wish I could just start doing art again but that would mean having to interact with people, I'm trying to find a way around that lol, keep pluggin away, you'll flow again, you know it ? and yeah where I do group is connected to my treatment, I can put in for counciling whenever I want but am tired of working with new people, even if they do know me a bit, I'm tired of repeating myself, I'll be back to sober and weird as f*ck in no time! Good luck with your session tonight! :) try and breath after

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know what I am without trauma.

This is often a problem with PTSD. You don't want to be what you are, but don't know what to replace it with.

I think the question I would be asking myself is 'if I could choose - what would I want my life to look like without trauma' and then shoot for that. Walk the walk and talk the talk as often as you can.